Making the Most Out of Snow Days

girl, little, outsideUnanticipated days off from school can present some significant challenges for we parents. This entry is meant to provide you with 12 ideas on making the most out of them, each of which is probably better for your kid(s) than vedging in front of the TV or Xbox all day.

• Use the problem solving method to develop plans for the summer. Ask you kid(s) to generate at least 10 ideas for summer activities or plans without evaluating them. After the ideas are generated, ask them to rate each of them from one to ten, with ten being the best idea (ideas can have the same rating). Then, if they are old enough, ask them to start researching things like dates and costs.

• Make a snow person family on the property where you live.

• Use the snow from shoveling driveways or walkways to build snow forts and have snowball battles. (You may have to make rules about the weight of snowballs. I wonder if Bill Belichick or Tom Brady might have some advice to offer ;-) ) You might also augment these battles with water guns!

• Try geocaching. This activity involves using a handheld GPS to find hidden treasures. Just Google the term to learn about this universe around you. Alternatively, you could set up your own treasure hunt inside and outside your home.

Baby pictured by artistic mom• Have your kids produce their own movie. Write a plot (or improv it), have costumes, make up, direction, filming, and so forth.

• Have your own cupcake wars. Invite a neighbor in to judge. Get a trophy for the winner.

• Have a photo contest regarding the outdoor winter wonderland. Find someone to judge the pictures, making sure to keep undisclosed who authored which pictures. Arrange for a nice prize (e.g., I love winning back rubs).

• Create some crafts using family photos; most of us have a ton of these on our phones. Again, many ideas are available online.

diverse happy parents• Do makeovers on each other, incorporating makeup, hair and clothes. (When my girls were younger they loved applying makeup to me.)

• Have a tournament with any games you might have that involve physical activity (e.g., ping pong, Wii games).

• Perform science experiments. Here’s a site with some good ideas.

• Play winter wiffle ball (use socks and a broom stick if you don’t have a wiffle ball and bat). You can play with as few as two, but you could probably easily find other kids to play with a little effort. (IMHO, baseball is God’s sport. Who says it has to be warm out to have a ton of fun with it!)

I bet you’ll find that you can make some pretty special memories doing these activities, so be sure to take some pictures and videos as you go!



Is He Just Being a Boy, or Does He Have ADHD?

adhd signHow can the difference between a boy being a boy and ADHD be determined? Many parents of young active boys, who run into trouble at school, struggle with this question. This blog entry is meant to provide some guidance.

ADHD involves two clusters of symptoms: problems with inattention and problems with hyperactivity; the later of which can usually be traced back to difficulties with impulsivity (i.e., the problem is more with poor brakes than a revved up engine). In order to qualify for an ADHD diagnosis a child should  be more inattentive and/or hyperactive than 93% of his peer group (i.e., a standard deviation and a half above the mean in a normal distribution), and the symptoms are usually required to have been present for six months or longer, have had an onset in childhood (the first symptom usually by age 7) and not be attributable to any other viable cause. For this reason a boy whose activity level does not rise to this level, even when it causes adults distress, would not typically meet diagnostic criteria for ADHD.

In my clinical experience (which is an albeit very limited parameter), there are three common instances when ADHD is misdiagnosed:

1. A very active boy (but not a boy with ADHD) is also defiant. boy in suit with attitudeOppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), which involves problems with anger control and doing what adults expect, is very distressing. If the evaluation is not sufficiently thorough, it can be easy to misdiagnose ADHD in this scenario.

2. The primary assessment tool, for a boy who is illustrating behavioral problems that are not attributable to ADHD, is the response to a stimulant medication. Even kids who do not have ADHD may have a positive response to medications that are designed to treat ADHD. So, it’s important to avoid using a medication response as the primary assessment tool.

3. A boy has an internalizing disorder (e.g., a mood or an anxiety disorder) but the evaluation misses this (usually because it has not been thorough enough). For example, a child who is very anxious can be quite inattentive.

In order to avoid these kinds of misdiagnoses it is important that the evaluation include some key elements. These are some assessment methods that can be helpful in ruling ADHD in or out:

kid overwhelmed by books1. The use of teacher, parent and self-report (if a child has ≥6th Grade reading level) behavior rating scales. These measures can help determine if a child’s level of activity or ability to concentrate are typical (i.e., among children of the same sex and age group). There are measures designed to rule out ADHD as well as an assortment of potential collateral problems. It is important to survey all three groups of people (i.e., parents, teachers and the child of concern), when they are available and able to participate that is, in order to increase the odds of arriving at an accurate impression.

2. A review of school records. What can be especially helpful is to review behavior grades and ratings in the early elementary school years.

3. Family and individual child interviews (or play sessions for very young children). These interviews can help in determining if there is another viable theory to explain any symptoms of hyperactivity or inattentiveness that are being displayed. These interviews would typically inquire regarding all important domains (e.g., the developmental history, the school history, the medical history). As I mentioned, ADHD is a diagnosis by exclusion; if another problem viably explains the symptoms, the ADHD diagnosis is usually set aside until the other problem(s) can be treated.

4. Diagnostic testing that measures attention and/or other executive stairs up to a brain and skyfunctions. This testing can add considerable cost to the evaluation. So, I often prefer to not do it unless the first three methods leave the ADHD question in doubt. (However, if cost is not a significant consideration, it can be helpful to include this testing anyway.)

Three closing thoughts:

1. A child with ADHD often meets diagnostic criteria for at least one other disorder (e.g., ODD, a learning disability). So, and for example, documenting that a child suffers attentional problems secondary to anxiety does not automatically mean that said child does not also have ADHD.

2. A child whose behavior is causing impairment, at school or home or both, will usually meet criteria for some diagnosable problem, even if it is not ADHD.

parent guilde3. Parents do well to educate themselves as to the nature of ADHD (or any other diagnosis that is suggested). Being an informed consumer of mental health services is very important. Please see Chapter 10 of my parenting book, or other articles on this blog site, for guidance.

Becoming the Person You Wish to Be

man on a cliffMany of are in the midst of breaking out new resolutions for change. This entry is designed to increase your odds of success. I’ll review four planning steps and a dozen strategies for promoting effective change.

The first step in the planning phase is to visualize what you like about yourself today. I’m skeptical that your self-improvement project can survive and thrive if you do not know and enjoy your strengths, not only at the start, but consistently throughout. I like a prayer that British psychologist Robert Holden recommends in one of his books: “Oh God, help me to believe the truth about myself, no matter how beautiful it is.  Amen.” If you’re in doubt about your strengths, enter the term “strengths” in the search bar above and take some of the assessments you’ll read about.

The second step is to picture yourself as the most fulfilled version of you. What is different about that person? What changes, that are under your control today, would help to get you there?

Third, list the obstacles you’ll experience in taking this voyage. This is a step worthy of your most honest and thorough consideration. What function does the unhealthy behavior serve? What obstacles arise within you when you seek out the healthy, life-giving behavior?

Fourth, what steps can you take to reduce the obstacles and lessen your imagination2reliance on will power?

A problem that many of us run into is called “present bias.” The person who we are when we make a resolution–present me–is steely eyed and filled with gritty resolve. However, present me may also be inclined to be harsh (“okay, you really need to stop being so weak!”), excessively ambitious (“I’m going to never yell again!”) or inclined to invest in ways that aren’t always helpful (e.g., purchasing expensive equipment that proves to be impractical). The problem is that present me is not the same person who will be doing the heavy lifting; that person is future me. If present me doesn’t adequately understand future me’s strengths and vulnerabilities, then present me is destined for disappointment. A skilled therapist can also be of great assistance in a deliberation like this. For a referral, click here.

Each of us are like snowflakes, completely unique. Thus, a strategy that helps another person make substantive changes could be a useless idea for you. Use your world’s leading expert knowledge of yourself to develop a plan that is supportive of future you. Use your strengths. Establish support for your vulnerabilities. Some of the following twelve tips may help:

health graffic, cool1. Set small regular goals and build from there. Avoid goals like “I’m going to lose 30 pounds.” Instead, try “today I’m going to eat a balanced diet and walk for 20 minutes.” Six months of tortoise behavior will leave you feeling much better than brief bursts of hare behavior. (By the way, if loosing weight is one of your interests, I’d recommend the movie Fed Up. It’s provocative and enlightening.)

2. Try to attach a behavior you want to add to things you routinely do. This link is to a very good YouTube video by psychologist BJ Fogg on this topic.

3. Keep a daily log of those behaviors that are most important to your goal(s). Many self-destructive behaviors occur when we disassociate from ourselves (i.e., only partially notice what we’re doing). Writing your behaviors down combats disassociation and increases the odds that you will remain self-aware and in the moment.

happy older man and woman4. Join with others. Two things characterize those who are successful in setting aside self-limiting patterns: they work on themselves and they surround themselves with people who are striving towards the same goal(s). Relying on others could involve partnering with friends, starting counseling, or attending support group meetings.

5. Ask your partners for help. Many people are willing to help your future self reach your present self’s goals. All you need do is swallow your pride (which can be very freeing), share your vulnerabilities and ask for ideas and/or assistance. For example, I know one pair of friends who committed to playing a rotating aerobic game before work each day (e.g., basketball, racquetball, etc.). They rotated the role of cheerleader for those days when one or both of them was tempted to cancel.

6. Establish rewards for yourself. For instance, so many days of completing a desired behavior change earns you a treat. Also, give yourself hefty mental pats on the back for success along the way. Reflecting on three things your grateful for over the course of the past 25 hours, while you’re taking your daily shower, can be one way of doing this.

7. Take lapses as opportunities to learn more about your vulnerabilities and how present you can do a better job of supporting future you. Avoid being cranky, cruel and harsh with yourself as this risks putting your goals further out of reach. WebI’ll sometimes ask clients, who are parents, to react to themselves as they would react to their child if their child showed a similar lapse (sometimes this involves projecting forward in time and imagining their child at their age, having fallen prey to the same vulnerability).

8. Use music if that motivates you. Start your playlist with the mood your at and then change it gradually towards the mood you want to morph to.

9. Focus your mind on the positive behavior or outcome you want rather than grinding against temptation. Imagining the beach vacation you’ll take with saved money is usually preferred over trying to directly focus on not making an impulse buy.

10. Have present you write encouraging and positive messages for future you. There are numerous wellness apps available to help with this.

11. Make a plan to remove as much temptation as possible from the eye line of future you. As I mentioned above, excessive reliance on willpower is generally to be avoided.

12. If you are a spiritual person, lean on that part of your life as much as you can. A wonderful book that regards using your Higher Power to overcome difficult challenges, is Breathing Under Water by Richard Rohr.

Good luck! And, remember:

√ Being in the fight for self-improvement matters at least as much as the outcome.

√ We all fall and fail sometimes.

√ Falling and failing affords you the opportunity to demonstrate character when Printyou dust yourself off and get back after it.

√ You deserve to treat yourself with kindness, compassion and love at all points throughout your journey.



Are We Conditioning Selfishness in Our Kids During the Holidays?

christmas woman white backgroundA student of mine recently forwarded this YouTube video to me (thank you Mary Ware!). It is by David Maxfield and Joseph Grenny, New York Times bestselling authors of Influencer: The New Science of Leading Change. In this video the authors report that they invited 50 kids, ages 5 to 8, to a Christmas party. After first dosing them with holiday joy, a man playing Santa interviewed the children; joining them was another child. After the interview one of Santa’s helpers offered the kids a choice. Santa, Santa’s helper and the second child were all assistants of the researchers (i.e., the other child was not a subject in the experiment but someone playing a part). There were two conditions for the interview. In the first condition, Santa asked the child-subjects the traditional questions we tend to ask our kids in November and December; these were all along the lines of, “what do you want to get?” In the second interview condition, Santa asked the kids versions of, “what do you want to give?” (It’s thought provoking to watch the kdis struggle with the latter quesion.) The kids were then shuffled to Santa’s helper to make a decision. The child-subject was offered a choice of two pieces of hanukkahchocolate, with the knowledge that the piece they didn’t chose would go to the other child. One of the pieces of chocolate was much larger than the other. What was interesting is that 70% of the kids who were in the “what do you want?” condition chose the larger piece of candy. However, in the “what do you want to give?” condition, “50% more of the kids acted more generously” and took the smaller piece of candy (I think this means that 45% of the kids took the smaller piece of candy, as opposed to 30% in the other condition).

This YouTube video is not a research study published in a scholarly journal; for this reason we need to be even more cautious than normal in the conclusions we reach. However, I think this video is thought provoking and challenges all of us to wonder if we might do well by our kids to modify some of our holiday procedures (e.g., imagine that the people being interviewed were not cherubic children but fully grown adults). So, in the spirit of that concern, here are six tips:

1. Focus as least half of your questions to your child on what she or he plans to give. This isn’t about depriving you or your child of the traditional holiday “magic.” This is about encouraging you and your child to spend at least equal time on that which better promotes wellness.

2. Collaborate with your child on what she or he might give. This could certainly include purchases, but could also include acts of kindness, productions of art, or offerings of labor.

3. Join in a project of sending holiday cards to loved ones. (Cards personalized with your child’s input are likely to be better received anyway.) Of course, you can prioritize how much your child contributechristmas squirrel with notes based on who the card is going to and your child’s age.

4. If your child needs cash for presents you might allow him or her to do extra chores to earn what you previously would have just forked over.

5. Consider a family kindness project such as giving to a food bank, helping at a soup kitchen, giving away used toys and clothes to charity or giving to a family in need. Be sure to collaborate in choosing a project and discuss what it felt like afterwards.

6. Write gratitude letters to each other. (Enter the term “gratitude letter” in the search bar above for some guidance.)

By the way, this isn’t about aspiring to live on a higher moral road for it’s own sake. This is about trying to live on a higher moral ground because that is what promotes happiness and wellness.

I_Am_documentary_2011_PosterHere’s a 7th tip thrown in for good measure: watch the movies Happy and I Am over the holidays (streaming choices are also available); both of these movies are projects of Tom Shadyac; Mr. Shadyac, IMHO, is a contemporary prophet (i.e., someone who offers initially uncomfortable, but ultimately life giving, counsel that challenges common perspectives that make people sick). In an interesting and engaging manner, both of these movies review aspects of what the field of positive psychology indicates promotes happiness. If your kids are old enough to sit through and appreciate these movies, family discussions about them could serve as a catalyst for life-giving changes in the new year. Otherwise, watch them on your own or with your significant other; I think you’ll be glad you did!

Four Holiday Stress Busters for Parents

Of course, the holidays are quite stressful, even as they offer us joy. There is less light. The weather is colder. Your life’s circumstances may not be in concert with a “joy to the world” message (e.g., you’ve suffered a recent loss, your child is ill). You may be faced with having to interact more with people with whom you have less than a peaceful relationship. There is a lot of hustling and bustling and, of course, financial pressures often mount. So, I’d like to review a few stress busters. I’m not going to cover obvious ones such as maintaining a good diet (avoiding processed foods and intoxication and eating fruits, veggies, Omega-3, etc.), getting enough sleep (8-9 hours/night) or getting enough physical activity (as one clinician put it, get some physical activity on any day that you eat). Instead I’d like to cover a few that may be less in the front of your mind. I’ll first review a common trap and then suggest one potential antidote.

Trap #1: To overspend

Antidote: Focus on relationships

Discussion: At some point in time it got embedded in our collective parental psyches that acquiring a lot of expensive stuff for our kids is the way to give them a magical holiday experience. And, if we don’t, we guilt ourselves with the notion that we may be depriving our kids. However, our research indicates that shared positive experiences with us is much, much more important to our kids’ happiness. For many years I’ve been asking people, up and down the age spectrum, for their best and worse memories. I can’t remember the last time someone told me that a best memory was the acquisition of some expensive thing. But, I’ve had countless people recount a family ritual or interpersonal moment as a best memory. For some ideas on ways to promote holiday magic, mystery and meaning for your kids, on pocket change, click here.

Trap #2: Act like you don’t have limitations

Antidote: Kind declines

Discussion: We know that our possessions all have their limitations and we are not surprised when our things break if we ignore those limitations. Many of us are also aware of our kids’ limits and likewise try to not exceed them. However, we often act like we are the only humans on the planet who don’t have limits. We work, serve, transport, host, donate, wrap, bake, cheat sleep and pin-ball around creation like frenetic hamsters on crack. On a related note, it is interesting to me that when I suggest to parents that one way to become more fulfilled and happy is to love more effectively many will respond with things like “how can I be expected to give more?!” Or,” My veins are empty doctor so I have no more to give!” However, this may be more of a western, industrialized bias as many other traditions realize that loving and cherishing oneself goes hand-in-hand with loving others. Sometimes one of the most loving things we can do for those around us is to realize our limitations and graciously decline invitations and pleas for us to exceed those limits.

Trap #3: Letting one’s mind or body be tense for extended periods of time

Antidote: Daily calming

Discussion: I don’t know how much the Dali Lama would be willing to participate in the crazy busy lifestyle many of us lead during the holidays. But, if he did, even he’d likely experience a tense body and mind. When our minds and/or bodies remain in a tense state for extended periods of time we become more susceptible to an assortment of physical and psychological symptoms (e.g., headaches, irritability, stomach pain, sadness, worsening of illnesses, anxiety). One way to combat this is to create a daily practice of calming ourselves and focusing just on the moment before us in a non-judgmental way. Some sample ways of doing this include starting a meditation practice (e.g., click here), using biofeedback strategies (e.g., for a device you can purchase click here), doing a pleasing and relaxing activity that limits our focus (e.g., knitting, going for a walk in nature) or just trying to sit still and quiet for a few minutes (e.g., click here). Even 10 minutes a day portends to offer dividends over time.

Trap #4: Maintaining unrealistic expectations

Antidote: Acceptance

Discussion: Despite years of experience that would suggest the value in throttling down our expectations, many of us go into the holidays expecting to engineer heaven on earth for ourselves and others. As the old saying goes “people make plans and God chuckles.” I think its fine to make plans, and even ambitious ones (as long as the previous traps are avoided). However, we do well to accept whatever comes along knowing that obstacles, surprises and changes are woven into the fabric of our lives. (To read more about how this antidote applies to holiday meals with family, click here.)

Here’s wishing for a meaningful holiday season for you and those you love. And, if you have other ideas for holiday stress busters I’m very interested to learn about them.

Using Gratitude Letters to Create Authentic Holiday Joy

black woman pointing to the sideAs reader’s of this blog or my parenting book know, the science of positive psychology has a great deal to offer us regarding how to be happy. One of my all time favorite strategies is to write a gratitude letter. Below are the stops and a link to a brief video where I describe the strategy.

Step #1: Identify a person towards whom you feel a significant amount of unexpressed gratitude. This might be a person who knows about some of the gratitude you feel but not all of it. This gratitude can be recent or ancient. You can also rotate writing a gratitude letter within a family: week #1 is moms turn, then eldest son’s, then dad’s, etc. Then everyone writes a gratitude letter for the person whose turn it is.

house with arrow upwardStep #2: Hand write a legible letter of about 300 words. Don’t worry about a precise word count, just land somewhere in that ballpark. (The handwritten nature of the letter produces a more personal feel and indicates more effort on your part.)

Step #3: Schedule a meeting with the person, but don’t tell her or him about your letter. The surprise tends to make the experience more powerful.

Step #4: Read your letter to the person. Don’t chicken out and hand it over for the person to read as that stands to significantly weaken the experience. Don’t worry if you get misty or cry as such usually adds meaning for the other person; plus you probably won’t be the only one.

Step #5: Give your letter to the person.

Here is a video  where I briefly describe gratitude Screen Shot 2014-12-04 at 10.43.31 AMletters (click on the image):

I’ve done this myself, had families do it in my office and asked my students to do it. I find that just about everyone (myself included) is surprised by how powerful of an emotional experience it proves to be. The research also suggests that the writer of the letter can experience a bump in happiness for a few weeks afterwards. So, give it a try it and see how much power you have to manufacture happiness in your life and the life of another.

Parenting a Depressed Teen During the Holidays

depressedThe holiday season can be harder than other times of the year for people who are depressed. When someone is struggling with depression he feels estranged from himself and the world around him as a baseline position. Then, when that world temporarily gets even more unlike him (i.e., emphasizing cheer), his sense of estrangement can worsen. For this and other reasons, parenting a teen who is depressed during the holiday season can quite challenging.

Before I offer some tips, let me offer a very important proviso. Imagine you had a kid with significant dental pain and you wondered, “what meals should I prepare that best accommodate her condition?” That seems like a useful question, but only if your daughter is receiving, or is about to receive, professional dental care. Without the dental care, cooking interventions would probably be like re-arranging deck chairs on the Titanic. It is the same thing with depression in a teenager. The tips below are best considered and rendered within a context of a kid already getting good mental health care (e.g., an evidence based talking therapy such as cognitive-behavioral therapy or interpersonal therapy).

All that said, here are seven tips to consider:

• Collaborate with your teen, and ideally your teen’s treatment provider, regarding a holiday plan (e.g., which activities to do and which to set aside). Your teen’s depression would have him bail out on most, if not all, activities and that is usually a mistake. Likewise, you may be tempted to insist on 100% participation, and that can be a mistake as well. Your expert’s assistance can increase the odds that you’ll find the adaptive middle ground.

• Do what you do for your teen without the expectation that such will cheer her african woman's half faceup. We parent-lunatics hurt when our kid hurts, and often worse. So, it’s very natural for us to try to cheer up our depressed teen. However, if we set up the expectation that our intervention will result in our teen showing us a better mood we risk becoming frustrated and adding to the stress on our teen.

• Accept your teen’s moods as they come. These moods can be like the weather. Sure, you’ve laid out a nice picnic and here comes a rainstorm, and that sucks. You can rage at the weather (and that can take many, many forms) or pitch a tent, realizing that the weather is outside your control, and enjoy what is possible to enjoy.

• Resist trying to reassure your teen out of a negative thought. While such encouragement can often help someone who is not depressed, to a depressed person reassurances can sound like, “you don’t have anything to feel sad about so stop it,” which can then cause the depressed person to become even more adamant about his negative thinking. This is another instance where your teen’s therapist can be very helpful in coaching you how to respond (e.g., “I think that’s your depression convincing you of a painful lie. I believe the reality isn’t nearly as painful as your depression’s lie); the technique of thought testing can also be very helpful here (e.g., see my parenting book or a future edition of this blog).

• Don’t allow extended family to hassle your teen regarding his depression. Loved ones can say some pretty hurtful things sometimes in their authentic desire to be helpful. Your teen’s therapist can help you to figure out your methods for doing this in a way that respects your teen’s privacy and independence.

teen diinterested face• Regularly let your teen know, without overdoing it, that you love her, that she is not alone and you understand that it sucks to be feeling what she is feeling.

• If your teen is or could be suicidal, get him in front of an expert ASAP and don’t leave him alone until you do. Consider this to be a life-or-death emergency as you certainly don’t want your baby to be one of the two million U.S. teens who attempt suicide each year.

Geez. Tough stuff huh? Sorry to be such a downer. But, hopefully there’s a helpful tip or two here for you. Regardless, I hope you and your have a wonderful holiday season!


Dos and Don’ts Regarding Self-Esteem Development

parents kissing kidThe promotion of health self-esteem is an agenda on many parents’ short list. The research suggests that there are two components to self-esteem: a sense of worthiness and a sense of competence. Below I will review how to facilitate both as well as how to avoid promoting self-entitlement.

Promoting worthiness

This seems to come from experiencing quality attachments in which a child feels inherently loved and valued. Readers of this blog and my parenting book know I advocate a weekly exercise called special time (this link offers a free download on how to do this exercise). Special time involves providing one hour a week of one-on-one positive attention to each child. In my years of introducing parents to special time, I find two common reactions: an initial thought that “this won’t be hard to do,” followed up with the subsequent insight that it is very, very hard to do weekly and happens only when a parent makes it a top priority.

I think we naturally think of our relationships as things we’ll invest in child hand cuts out adult hand skyonce life’s obligations have been met. Relationships are for tomorrow, duty is for today. However, life’s obligations are rarely sated, so we end up treating our relationships like cacti instead of the orchids that they are. Special time not only combats this common trap but it also goes a long way towards promoting a child’s sense of worthiness.

Promoting competence

Another theme in my writings has been sharing how to identify and promote a child’s strengths in the world (e.g., enter the word “strengths” in the search bar above or see Chapter Two in my parenting book). One of the top jobs that we have as parents is to help our child to discover his or her top strengths. Once we then know the strengths, we do well to both promote them and to put them on display. The inherent sense of competence that a child can subsequently develop goes a long way to promoting both self-esteem and resilience.

paint on handsThis reflection is also germane when guiding high school students in vocational planning. Instead of the common: “what career would allow me to make the most amount of money, given how much I’m willing to sacrifice to my education, so that I can do what I really want to do on the weekends and vacations?,” we might ask: “in what career might I best use my top strengths to make the most meaningful impact in this world?” Clearly, practical questions are important. But, I worry about what happens when they are front loaded in the deliberation or, worse yet, they are the only consideration.

Avoiding the promotion of self-entitlement

The following are some common parental behaviors that can promote self-entitlement. Note that no parent that I’ve ever met has tried to turn  his or her child into a narcissist. Hence, these behaviors are usually done with good intentions. It’s just that they tend to have the exact opposite intended effect when they are practiced habitually.

• Praising or complementing a kid for poor or pedestrian performance. what's your planAttend most little league games and you’ll hear compliments rendered for grounding out or making a bad throw. In these instances, we may be compromising our credibility (e.g., when someone has told you that 2 + 2 = 5 do you go to that person for math help?) or promoting self-entitlement.

• Praising in the abstract. “You’re smart” or “you’re kind” or any other praise that is not anchored in appropriate context, if offered as a pattern, can foster a poor outcome.

• Overpraising our child. We do well to try to keep the dosing of our praise commensurate with our child’s performance. Throwing a parade, when a behavior isn’t parade worthy, if done routinely, promotes a sense of unrealistic specialness.

discussion with teen• Being afraid to let a child know that she or he is wrong or has made a mistake. Timing and wording are key, as is avoiding becoming overly negative and critical, of course. That said, blocking our kid from knowing that she or he has erred may compromise our work to ready our child to be effective in the world.

• Over subscribing responsibility for poor outcomes to others besides our child. When our kid hurts we hurt worse. For this reason it’s easier to think that someone else has treated or evaluated our child unfairly than it is to look within our child or our family for responsibility. If used as a general copying style, this pattern can inculcate within our child the intuition that others are at fault when she or he fails.

• Protecting our child from the consequences of his or her choices. See other articles on this blog site for some possible exceptions to this guideline (e.g., a given consequence would break our child). Generally speaking though, routinely protecting our child from such consequences promotes a sense of unhealthy specialness, as well as compromising our child’s opportunity to improve. If done habitually, it can leave our child expecting others to protect him or her from the consequences of his or her choices. It’s remarkable to me, as a college professor, how many young adults want me to excuse them from an outcome because he or she is a good person who tried hard or mehappy hispanic family3ant well.

As always, if your child is struggling with self-esteem, or you want tailored advice for your parenting, consider seeking out the services of a qualified child psychologist. For a referral, click here. Finally, I’m going to be participating in a live Google Hangout on this topic on 11/25/14 at 3:30 EST. If you’d like to log on, for free, click here:


What Can I Do If My Kid is Being Socially Excluded?

bullying3If your child is being socially excluded it can happen for so, so many reasons. This entry offers some questions to consider.

  • Is this long standing or a newer problem? If the problem is longstanding, please consider taking it to a good child psychologist. You can get a referral here. Several of the questions in this entry might not be useful to you without such assistance. If it’s a newer problem it may be one you can come to understand and remediate on your own.
  • Do you know how your child might be contributing to the problem? To ask this question is to not blame your child or to suggest that it’s his or her fault. For example, a kid might be experiencing social rejection because she has been overwhelmed by the volume of school work and has cried in class. There is usually some manner in which a child collaborates with this problem. So figuring that out can go a long way to developing a plan for remediation.
  • Is this problem worth discussing with either the school or other adults? This comes down to the severity of the exclusion. A kid not getting invited to a birthday party would probably not typically trigger involving other adults, as doing so could risk making the problem worse. However, a kid being excluded from a class activity or being physically bullied would usually be worth consulting over.
  • Does your child have at least one significant competency that she or competencehe is showing to the world? If yes, great. If no, your child might be projecting insecurity to the social world, which is like having a target on his or her chest. (Enter the word “strengths” in the search bar above to learn more.)
  • Is your child manifesting any symptom within his or her social world? Crying, being overly self-critical, being aggressive and hyperkinesis are examples of the sorts of behaviors–albeit unfairly–that can get a kid rejected. In these instances it may be very helpful to seek out a referral for an evaluation.
  • Has your child been letting others know that the rejection bothers him or her? It’s usually not a good idea to let the social world at large know that a given rejection is painful as that can provide fodder for the gossip mill.

bullying4• Has there been a dust up with one or more kids recently? These simple misfires are common, especially among girls (how you adult women survived the middle school years is beyond me). Rather than trying to get to the bottom of who said or did what to whom and why, you might arrange for a sleep over or another fun social event (e.g., a trip to an amusement or water park) with at least the other kid or kids in question. You put enough fun in front of these kids and minor skirmishes may die out on their own, assuming that’s all they were.

A few things to avoid:

√ Discussing any of these matters with any of the other kids. It’s possible to walk through such a minefield unscathed but there are just way too many ways for you or your child to get blown up.

√ Doing an intervention plan that your child strongly objects to. The only general exception to this, that I can think of right now, would be in instances when your child is being physically or seriously bullied.

√ Encouraging your child to try to fight fire-with-fire. This is different peacefrom training your kid to engage in effective social banter (e.g., how to tease back when being teased). This involves not encouraging your kid to try to out ostracize another kid or to encourage retaliation. This is like giving your kid ice cream in an effort to improve his or her physical fitness.

√ Supporting your child trying to solve this problem through social media. Yikes. Talking about a potentially explosive solution.

As I always do, let me bring out my dead horse and say: get a pro on the job if your kid is hurting over this in a serious way or if the problem is persisting. A good child psychologist can be amazingly helpful!

Seven Tips for Coping with Homework Hell

So, the first quarter report cards have come home. If you’re fortunate your progeny has done well. Otherwise, you may be wondering if the homework hell you’re experiencing has anything to do with the lower than expected grades. Here ere are seven tips to help.

• Tip #1: incentivize effective homework completion. First define what effective homework completion means (e.g., a certain amount of time legitimately exerted without hassling anyone). Then establish what reward your child will earn by effectively completing the homework. The more problematic the behavior the bigger the incentive and the more it should follow immediately upon homework completion. For instance, if Aiden lives for his X-box One, that might be earned by completing homework effectively each night. Be careful to put this as a reward, instead of a punishment. Xbox is earned, or not earned, not taken away. After so many days of effective homework completion Aiden might be allowed to earn a bonus (e.g., a new X-box game).

• Tip #2: Consider an excessive violation of the 10-minute guideline to be potentially problematic. Research suggests that there is often a diminishing academic return when students spend more than 10 minutes a night on homework times their grade in school (i.e., a 5th grader spending 50 minutes, a 7th grader, 70, and so forth). If your child is spending much more time than this consider tips #3 and #7. (NB: if your child is a high school student taking honors and/or advanced placement classes, this guideline will probably not apply. However, if the report card is suggesting that there are problems, perhaps take this question to an expert–see tip #7)

• Tip #3: Consult with your child’s teachers when homework is problematic. For instance, your child’s teacher(s) may not realize that your child is spending an excessive amount of time completing homework, especially in the middle school years and onward (i.e., teachers may not be coordinating their expectations). For example, asking your child’s teacher(s) what he/she/they believe is a reasonable amount of time to spend on homework each night can begin a productive dialogue.

• Tip #4: Try to avoid getting hung up on methods if the goal is being reached. Sometimes we parents try to over control how our child does his or her homework without considering whether or not he or she might get it done well using his or her preferred method(s). Some kids like music on, or to do homework on a bed, etc. As long as the homework gets completed, that’s okay.

• Tip #5: If your child isn’t being truthful about what the homework is, see if the teachers put the homework online. If the homework isn’t online, or a given teacher is spotty about compliance, add a communication system from school to home. This daily communication should include the grades that were returned that day (if any), the homework for the night and any long term assignments that are due; you might also add a report on any behaviors that might be of concern (e.g., treating peers with respect). Compliance with this system should also be incentivized. (This can be a complicated system, so see my parenting book for a step-by-step break down of the how-tos.)

• Tip #6:If you can afford this, and your child needs it, consider hiring a tutor to help with homework (not to do the homework, but to help with it). There are many well trained educators looking to do such work; you might also get names for tutors from your child’s school or PTA.

Tip #7: If your child is working at it, but floundering, consult with a child psychologist. It may be that your child has a learning disability or a psychological obstacle that is at play (e.g., a mood problem that s/he has been keeping from you). A skilled child psychologist can get to the bottom of things and suggest an effective remedial plan. For a referral, click here.



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