10 Tips for Surviving Your Kid’s Graduation

May 4, 13 7:10 AM

Your kid’s graduation, be it from high school or college, is a major family event. This entry includes my top 10 suggestions for getting the most out of the experience.

#1 Determine a figure that you plan on spending and stick to it unless you have a compelling reason to do otherwise. If there are other adults contributing it’s a good idea to partner with him, her or them in this decision. (If you don’t get along with the other person or persons arrange for a neutral party, that everyone trusts, to join the discussion.) It is so easy to spend an amount of money that is toxic for you, which is no favor to your graduate (i.e., in the months following the graduation she’ll benefit more from having a relationship with a well parent than from a stressed out parent). If your graduate gets pushy about celebrating his graduation in a way that exceeds your budget ask him what his plan is for coming up with the extra cash.

#2 Partner with your graduate in deciding how the money will be spent. For instance, your graduate may prioritize putting together a down payment on a car over having a party.

#3 Collaborate with your graduate on who will be invited to share in the celebration. You would want to have an important reason for overriding your graduate’s wishes along these lines.

#4 If you fund a party for your graduate’s friends make sure that it is chaperoned well enough to keep everyone safe and legal (e.g., not allowing underage drinking).

#5 Realize that celebrations hardly ever go off as planned. It is almost inevitable that one or more people, the weather, mechanical things, food or something else. will disappoint. Keep in mind that something like this is almost always bound to happen, that it is really only as hampering as you decides it needs to be and that what really matters is the graduation itself; such insights can keep a speed bump from causing a major crash.

#6 Include a present that has an emotional impact; this is the sort of gift that stands to keep on giving much longer than material presents. For instance, you might write a gratitude letter for your graduate (see my blog entry on this method), create a photo slideshow, with music, of your graduate from infancy up to the point of graduation, write a poem that expresses your thoughts and feelings about your graduate, and so forth. In getting in the mood for creating this gift imagine what it will feel like to watch your baby walk across that stage and take a diploma in hand.

#7 Assuming you are not hiring a professional for this purpose, ask a responsible friend or family member to do the picture taking and video recording. If you assign this task to yourself you will not only be in fewer of the images but you will be one step removed from taking part in the celebration.

#8 Respect the value of a good night’s sleep. While graduations are festive, they are also stressful. Stress plus a weary body can facilitate an assortment of unpleasant outcomes (e.g., irritability, compromised decision making, diminished concentration and impairing fatigue).

#9 Form a plan with your graduate, in advance, for how she will thank any who gave her presents or participated in the celebration (i.e., the method and the date by which it will be completed). This makes it less likely that you’ll be cast in the role of hound afterwards. (For less mature graduates you may need to form a contract stipulating that access to a privilege you provide–e.g., usage of a car–will only happen after the thank you cards are mailed.)

#10 Take at least a few moments to pat yourself on the back for all that you did to get your graduate to this place in life. Parenting is tough work that we all stink at it sometimes, but our efforts and intentions are selfless and beautiful and deserve to be recognized. In the instance of a graduation it is clear that your parenting was at least good enough to facilitate your kid successfully finishing a major educational hurdle. So, take an existential moment or two and enjoy that about yourself!

Leave a comment

College Trips with Your Teen

Apr 26, 13 9:18 PM

diverse happy woman on floorHaving a Junior or Senior in high school prompts a daunting enterprise: finding a college. If ever there was a project that can take all the time you have to give, and more, it’s this one. There are so, so many (too many?) sources of information available regarding tactics. So, I won’t be discussing those strategies. Instead, I’d like to focus on some relationship issues I’ve seen as folks plan college visits.

• Try to develop some scoring rubric in advance of your trip. Divide 100 points up among those factors that matter to you and your teen: cost, distance, academic reputation, college atmosphere, student to faculty ration, etc. Then, as you do your trip do your independent ratings, comparing them after the trip is over.

• Try to surrender the concept of one perfect, or just right school. There are about 1,400 four year colleges in the U.S. So, there are likely more “just right” schools than you could ever have time to visit or seriously consider.

• Schedule an official tour (these will often answer many of your questions). Thenconfused graduate character develop your list of questions that you’d like to see addressed during the tour. The better of these will likely hit all the high points (e.g., dorms, library, classrooms, gym, cafeteria, study abroad options, internships, student center) but, if not, ask.

• Consider this to be a unique bonding opportunity with you and your teen. Take occasion to do some sightseeing or to create some special moments and momentoes. Who knows how much one-on-one time is in your near future with your teen; so, this time (even the commute) can be precious.

woman overwhelmed by books• Always ask for your teens opinion before giving yours. When you disagree with some analysis your teen has rendered, offer empathy for it and try to use questions to make your points. For example, if your teen, upon seeing a work of art at the entrance to the library, notes “Ewww. I could never come to a school that has such terrible art in front of its library!” You could first give empathy for that visceral reaction, pause (and maybe listen more), then ask, “what percent of the average students week here do you think he or she spends looking at that?”

• Try to schedule a visit to see a lecture in a discipline that is of some interest to your teen. Many universities, with a couple of weeks notice, are happy to help with this. (Don’t worry if your teen doesn’t have a major picked out yet. That’s common.)

• Make sure to take your own tour of the department where your teen may have a major. Don’t hesitate to knock on any doors where you see a faculty member and ask if s/he has 5-10 minutes for questions. (Make sure to have some ready.) The worse thing that happens is that s/he doesn’t have the time. The best thing that happens is that a faculty member, where your child ends up going to school, starts to develop a positive connection with your child.

• Try to make the time to look around the community surrounding the campus, leadershipfiguring out what various practicalities might be at play. (Many campuses are self-contained in terms of the range of services and entertainment available but sometimes it will be nice to break out to the surrounding area.) This can also give you a sense for the range of internships that might be available.

• Set up a timeline for yourselves. Your teen’s guidance counselor, or the myriad of other resources available to assist (e.g., websites, e-books), can guide you about what should go on your timeline. This can help you to feel some sense of control over what can be an incredibly daunting prospect.

man stressing to pursue money• Begin having discussions with your teen about financing as soon as you can in the process: what you can do and what you can’t do, or what you’re prepared to do and what you’re not prepared to do. This can be an important factor in helping your teen to be realistic about which schools s/he seriously targets and reduce the odds that s/he will fall in love with a school that isn’t a possibility. (Your guidance counselor can help you to rough estimate what adjustment down from the sticker price your child might hope to get from the school given the strength of his or her application.)

 • Begin reflecting on your teen’s capacity to manage himself or herself at various institutions. Is Becky ready to be 8 hours away on an urban campus with 10,000 students? Is Jaden prepared to do well in a lecture hall with several hundred students? In other words: what’s the nature of this pond and how well or poorly might your progeny swim there?
• Lastly, try to be patient with the process. We parent-lunatics are at risk to black man walingover-worry, to over-control and to get freaked out at all of the uncertainty. Somehow, someway, somewhere, s/he will likely land at some institution of higher learning and avoid a life of crime and/or homelessness.
Leave a comment

To Err is to Parent

Apr 13, 13 8:45 AM

working momThis week I’ve had a lot of parental guilt crossing my path. So, I thought I’d encourage us all to reflect  on that and a few related issues. .

I believe that all of we engaged parents are crazy people, which is why I prefer the term parent-lunatic to parent. We love our kids SO, SO much that it hurts sometimes. We want only the best for them and often (and sometimes without thinking about it) hold ourselves 100% accountable for their happiness and success. But, inevitably we run into obstacles. Here are six common ones:

1. Research suggests that we are not sculptures of our kid’s personality but are shepherds. Much of who s/he is depends upon the spin of the genetic roulette wheel. This regards things like his or her temperament and vulnerability to physical and mental illnesses. (Temperament refers to biologically based personality attributes that, among other things, heavily influence our kid’s capacity to experience happiness.)

2. Research indicates that over 90% of kids will suffer from a diagnosable mental health problem by adulthood.

3. Secondary to inevitable statistical realities, our kids end up sucking at some important stuff. When they do it hurts them and us (I speculate us worse).teen rolling eyes

4. Getting into conflicts with us is an inevitable part of healthy trajectory to adulthood. Sometimes these conflicts can be sustained and quite wearisome (e.g., my 17 year-old refers to me as a “micromanager”…by the way, there is a t-shirt that we micromanagers can acquire. Just click here).

5. Other adults have a great deal of influence on our kid’s outcomes. And, like all humans, sometimes they do a poor job at it (e.g., I recently had the experience of having a group of teachers acknowledge that it wasn’t possible for kids to do three things in their high school:  a. do a quality job on homework, b. have one extracurricular activity and c. get the amount of sleep that science indicates a teen brain needs).

6. We screw up a ton, including those of us who have authored an award winning parenting book 😉 It is just the nature of being one of these human creatures.

If we embrace being over responsibility for our kid’s outcomes these are some of the results that can occur:

woman's face in hands• We feel excessive guilt and shame. (I say “excessive,” in that appropriately dosed guilt can be useful for correcting things that warrant such.) Excessive guilt leaves us taking responsibility for that which is outside our control and/or beating ourselves up to no good purpose. Certainly our kids are not served when we go toxic on ourselves.

• Denying our kid’s pain. Because we hurt so much when our kid hurts, it can be so easy to deny his or her pain. Indeed, our research suggests that we parents often miss the boat when it comes to recognizing our kid’s internalizing symptoms (e.g., depression and anxiety). Of course, denial interferes with forming helpful remedial plans (e.g., pursuing helpful mental health services).

• Not providing sufficient psychological space for our kids to experience failure. Like the previous point, this vulnerability is fueled by our crazy love for our kid. But because we hurt so much s/he fails, it’s so, so easy to either try to recast the failure as not being a failure (e.g., somebody cheated my kid) or to try to rush past the pain to Pollyannaish statements. The path to wise and helpful reassurances lies through the pain; trying to rush past it, or do an end run around it, dampens our ability to be helpful.

• Turning to our kid for reassurances to quell our parental guilt or insecurity. We can sometimes look to our kid to make statements that we hope can act as a healing ointment for our psychological wounds. However, doing so can put undue pressure on our kid and feel very uncomfortable and weird to him or her.

Here are seven (hopefully) helpful antidotes for excessive parental guilt or shame:

1. Do an hour a week of special time with each of your children that live with you. Click here for a free download on how to do this exercise, or read Chapter One in my book for a more complete account.

2. Meditate on your parenting successes: moments when you were selfless, working momtimes when you made an altruistic decision in service of your kid’s wellness, moments when you skillfully applied wisdom and insight to your kid’s benefit and so forth. Evaluate yourself as you would have your child evaluate his or her parental effectiveness in the future should s/he become a parent (that is after you enjoy images of your prospective grandchildren torturing your child).

3. Meditate on your kids’ successes: s/he got the well-deserved award or recognition, s/he got that important high grade, s/he carried the team to an important victory and so forth.

4. Credit yourself for being able and willing to have such a crazy love for another person. Is there a higher expression of our humanity than love? Is there a purer or truer form of love than that manifested by an engaged parent? Well then, kudos to you!

happy latino couple5. Share your insecurities or doubts with another kind, wise and experienced parent. That person may help you to get relief from irrational thoughts and give you a little air under your wings.

6. Review home movies or pictures. Gosh, we spend so much time and energy creating these suckers. We all do well to pause and actually enjoy them, preferably with our family.

7. If your kid is hurting in some sustained way, seek out the services of a lean-mean-healing machine. For a referral, click here.

In closing I’ll share that, to me, parenting, with all of it’s bumbling and stumbling, is living art and that you, when you do your best by your child, are a beauteous beauty. I hope you can give yourself that from time to time, even if you’re a micromanager like me 😉

Comments (1)

Popes, Gay Marriage & The Bible: Talking To Your Kid About Spirituality and Values

Mar 30, 13 9:23 AM

spiritual manBetween the new Pope, the Supreme Court case on gay marriage and attention being garnered by the TV series, The Bible, there is an abundance of media attention being given to stories that reflect on values and spirituality. This entry is meant to offer a few suggestions for engaging your child on these issues. (By the way, when I say “spirituality” I mean the entire spectrum, including atheism.)

• As is a theme in this blog, set aside regular time with your child to see if s/he has any thoughts or perspectives on any of these issues (s/he may not, especially if s/he is young, but it’s always good to check). Allow your child to say his or her piece first, providing doses of empathy, before sharing your perspective.

• Let your child know what your spirituality is, using the principle of selective truth telling, to guide the breath and depth of your coverage (i.e., you share more or less based on your child’s age and wellness; see this blog entry for an elaboration on that principle).

• Empower your child to see the definition of a personal spirituality and personal values as a life-long journey that often includes confusing and mysterious segments, and that doubt is often sprinkled along the way (e.g., Mother Teresa’s cheerful familydiary included expressions of doubt about God’s existence).

• Keep in mind that the active practice of a spirituality can be associated with many important psychological and health benefits. The research supporting this assertion is compelling. (See Chapter Four, on rituals, in my parenting book for a review.)

• Ask your child to always consider some guiding principles:

√ That which is loving should always be prioritized over that which is not.

√ All people deserve to have their spirituality and values respected, as long as they do not hurt others, no matter how much we may personally look at things differently.

child hand cuts out adult hand sky√ One group’s spirituality should not be codified into laws that infringe on the civil rights of another group.

√ Learning about other people’s spirituality and values can be a fascinating and enriching enterprise, no matter how much we may personally look at things differently. (For my blog entry on talking about diversity with kids, click here.)

√ Using a spiritual model to hurt people is always wrong.

√ Humility in the quest for truth can leave one open to developing a spirituality that is beautiful, wise, uplifting and meaningful.

In closing I’d like to thank my wife Lia for her help with this entry 😉

Leave a comment

What the Heck is Work-Life Balance?

Mar 23, 13 8:51 PM

work-life balanceIs it me or does the term “work-life balance” conjure up images of a parent putting in 40 hours at a rewarding job, then coming home, energized from a day of doing important things, and realizing an effective balance of completing household and parenting tasks, having fun with family and/or friends, soaking up the meaning of being a spouse and/or parent, eating a balanced diet, being physically active and getting a good night of sleep? Well I’ll tell you that in my 22 years as a psychologist and husband, and 17 years as a parent, I’ve never seen it. Actually, I think this concept has more value for employers (e.g., to be flexible with schedules and methods for reaching agreed upon goals) than it does for we working parents. One of the things I do in my parenting book is give accounts of what I believe are more typical sorts of days for working-parents. Click here to read one of these (hopefully both humorous and realistic) illustrations.

Rather than using terms like “work-life balance” I prefer a term like “living on the working at home momhigh road.”  IMHO these are the characteristics of a working parent living a high road life:

• In my vocational life (whether that be in the home or otherwise) I’m using my top strengths to resolve or address important human problems or needs, regardless of how the culture at large values these contributions. And, my kids see me living this way.

• I’m making (not finding, making) time each week to spend one-on-one with my spouse/partner and each of my kids who are living at home (I like to think of one hour as the floor). And, my kids see me living this way.

• I’m in the fight to have healthy habits (i.e., a balanced diet,  ≥4/5 hours a week of physical activity and about 8 hours of sleep a night); this doesn’t mean I become a paragon of fitness, speaking with an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent. It just means that I prioritize this goal and hit these marks more than I miss them. And, my kids see me living this way.

chaos• I’m comfortable with chaos. I said to a colleague recently: “Bill, just one week I wish I could get everything done that has to get done that week.” He replied “Well, Dave, that’s the week that we hold your wake.” High road life is engaged. And, at this place and time in the universe, that comes with chaos. I’ve never seen a working-parent, on the high road, who has everything zipped up and buttoned down. But, if I tell myself that I must be doing something wrong if my life is chaotic, I may be suffering needlessly.

• I’m routinely asking myself, “what’s the loving thing to do (and that means towards myself too)?” And, more often than not, I pull that off. And, my kids see me living this way. (Tapping into your internal well of wisdom can help.)

• I experience injustice but get the most out of that. To be in the world is to have the world in me; and, the world is filled with injustice. Do you know anyone, who has been impactful in this world, who has not experienced injustice? Doesn’t it also sometimes seem like those that get the most done experience the most injustice (just a wonderment of mine)? But, at the end of the day I morph the injustice into an actualization of this formula: crisis = pain + opportunity. I realize that, as a poet put it, pain is like a dragon guarding treasure. Andhappy black woman background, my kids see me living this way.

• I make (not find) time for self-care. What this means varies wildly. It could mean killing two birds with one stone in doing physical activity. It could mean hanging out with friends. It could mean a rich spiritual life. But, I have a plan for self care and, like most priorities, I hit the mark more than I miss it. And, my kids see me living this way.

• More often than not, my parenting promotes those factors that promote resilience in kids. I don’t have space here to review them but the top research supported ones are in my parenting book.

black man pointing, happy face• There are other aspects that may not be a part of everyone’s high road, but can facilitate getting there or staying there: humor, being stupid with friends, buckets of forgiveness (the unilateral and unconditional type is the purest sort), turning the other cheek (not the same thing as letting oneself be bullied), praising beauty and strength and savoring gifts. And, my kids see me living this way.

So, if your striving to do these things, and win more battles than you lose, you may be firmly planted on the high road, even though the last thing you often feel is that you manifest work-life balance ;-).

Leave a comment

Defiance in a Young Child Needn’t Be Tolerated (usually)

Mar 10, 13 11:46 PM

defiant boyAn important study was published a couple of months ago in the Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry titled “Psychosocial treatment efficacy for disruptive behavior problems in very young children: A Meta-analytic study.” The first author is Boston University professor Dr. Jonathan Comer. This study of studies examined 36 studies investigating 3,042 children. The high points from this study support the headline for this entry.

Backdrop for the study

The authors first reviewed some key findings in the research literature:

• About 10% of preschoolers meet criteria for a disruptive behavior disorder. These conditions exist across cultures and are associated with debilitating outcomes (e.g., profound family disruption, continued psychopathology).

• The rates of psychotropic medication treatments for preschoolers has experienced between a two and five fold increase despite the fact that “…controlled evaluations of the efficacy of antipsychotic treatment for early child disruptive behavior problems have not been conducted…(and) potential adverse effects of antipsychotic treatment in youth, including metabolic, endocrine, and cerebrovascular risks, have been well documented.”

• While only a minority of children with disruptive behavior problems have ever tantruming girlgotten evidence-based treatment, there is evidence of a decreasing trend of kids getting needed mental health care.

Results

When considering if interventions work, researchers calculate an effect size. A “0” score means no effect; .2 means a small benefit; .5 is a moderate benefit and .8 represents a large benefit (what one well known statistician described as “whopping”).

• The average effect size was .8! Remember, this is across 36 studies and more than 3K kids.

∫• The largest effect sizes were found for treatments that took a behavioral approach (see the commentary section below).

bipolar child• There is evidence that many treatments offered to youth with disruptive behavior problems are not the ones with the most evidence supporting their use; moreover, when these treatments are compared to evidence-based behavioral treatments there is a large difference in favor of the behavioral treatments. As the authors note “…widely used approaches rarely show support.”

• “Treatment effects were consistent across samples of varying compositions of racial/ethnic minorities.”

• “These findings provide robust quantitative support for consensus guidelines suggesting that psychosocial treatments alone should constitute first line treatment for early disruptive behavior problems. Against a backdrop of reduced reliance on psychosocial treatments in this age range, and increased reliance on pharmacological treatments in the absence of controlled safety and efficacy evaluations, the present findings also underscore the urgency of improving dissemination efforts for supported psychosocial treatment options, and removing systematic barriers to psychosocial care for affected youth.”

• “Roughly 50% of U.S. counties have no psychologist, psychiatrist or social worker.”

Comment

Readers of this blog will note how much this study is consistent with a primary ball and chain runningpoint I’ve been trying to make (and quoting from my own previous entry):

“Psychological problems are akin to medical problems in so many ways: they are nearly universal by the time a kid reaches adulthood (about 90%), most of the time they are treatable in a short period of time, they are easier to treat the earlier they are caught and, if they are left unchecked, can cause very stressful and costly consequences. However, unlike medical problems, only about 20% of youth who need evidence-based mental health care get it.”

This is profound social injustice and it needs to stop!

character holding checkmark-bulletWhat can you do to help?

• Ask your pediatrician if s/he screens all children for mental health problems in her/his practice on well visits. If not, ask him or her to reconsider. If s/he says that s/he doesn’t screen because s/he would have no one to refer such children to, make a counterpoint and a suggestion. The counterpoint: parents deserve to know if their child could benefit from a mental health evaluation. So, even if no help can be found, the problem has been upgraded. The suggestion: contact your state’s psychological association and ask if they can help to identify a provider to whom your pediatrician may refer; it is highly likely that that they will be passionate in their efforts to assist. Should you convince your pediatrician to grow in this way, a quickly administered pediatric mental health screening tool is available in the public domain (i.e., it’s free): Pediatric Symptom Checklist.

• If your child’s defiant or disruptive behavior is causing anyone distress, get him or her help for it today. Besides tapping your state’s psychological association, you may also try here .

• Ask the mental health professional you interview at least two questions:

√ “In what types of problems do you specialize?” (This is a better question than question mark over brain“do you specialize in working with children?”) If you hear kids listed, that’s good. If not, ask if s/he knows of someone who does. Of course you may live in a community where this person is your only choice. So, you can ask if s/he has had success treating this problem.

√ Once you identify a viable clinician, ask “You obviously can’t know if my child has Oppositional Defiant Disorder at this point, but what is your treatment approach when you have diagnosed a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder(ODD) and that’s the only problem?” There are synonymous terms for a good answer: “behavior modification,” “parent training,” (an unfortunate term in my view but it’s used), “behaviorally oriented family therapy,” and “behavioral treatment.” The clinician might also name some specific treatment manuals/approaches such as “Parent-Child Interaction Therapy,” “Incredible Years,” “Helping the Noncompliant Child,” “The Triple P-Positive Parenting Program,” and “The Defiant Child Program.” I would be very concerned if the first line of approach were a different one, including the use of medication treatment.

key in lockJust to give you an idea of what you might be in for, when I have a child who has ODD, and that’s the only problem, the treatment phase of the work (i.e., not including the evaluation phase), takes 8 sessions. In my own practice this cures the problem over 90% of the time. And, the two most common reasons I’ve found it doesn’t work are (1) the parent(s) don’t apply the techniques, usually because of personal pain and limitations or (2) there was another or different problem interacting with the ODD (e.g, the child really was suffering from an emerging case of bipolar disorder, the child was privately sniffing glue on a regular basis, a parent was substance dependent but tried to hide that). If a child truly has just ODD, and the parent does the techniques, it works.

The truth I/m reviewing here still seems to be too much of a secret, at least from most parents, teachers and pediatricians I’ve known. This leaves kids, parents and families suffering needlessly. As Jerry Garcia once noted: :Somebody has to do something, and it’s just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us.”

In closing let me share that you can also find multiple behavioral strategies in my parenting book as well as suggestions for identifying, and affording, quality mental health care.

Leave a comment

Ten Tips for When Your Teen Says, “I hate you!”

Mar 2, 13 8:32 AM

angry male hand upI remember when my eldest was in preschool and the delight we both took in being reunited at the end of each day. At the time I shared my bliss with a graduate student. This student, who had two teenagers, responded with “yeah, but wait ‘till she’s a teen.” I remember feeling nonplussed by that remark. While the available science and my clinical experience were both consistent with my grad student’s remark, I thought this would not happen to me…not only has it happened multiple times, but it has happened with both of my teenagers. And, my third child will hit adolescence in a few months, leaving me looking at want adds for oil rig work in the North Atlantic.

So, my fellow parent-lunatic, here are the things I try to do, at least when I’m acting with intention, when one of my teen says some version of “I hate you!”

Tip #1: Reflect on the resilience formula: crisis = pain + opportunity. You’re crisis opportunityfeeling the pain. Now, where is the opportunity? (My own experience is that the dosing of opportunity is usually higher than the dosing of the pain.)

Tip #2: Take a deep breath and keep things in perspective. This is a normative experience. (Those of you who have raised a teenager, and have not experienced this, should probably keep that to yourself, lest the rest of us kick you off the island!) Your teen’s brain is still developing, especially in regards to those parts that will end up defining his or her most mature self. Moreover, sometimes you hear this because you’re doing right by your teen (e.g., doing effective monitoring) and s/he will be grateful later (probably not until after your dead though).

Tip #3: Realize that yours and your teen’s experience of the conflict may be different. Research suggests that these sorts of conflicts bother we parent-lunatics more than they bother our kids. Ever have your teen go off on you and then act like zero happened a few hours later, or the next day? Our teens often look upon these conflicts as being less significant than we do.

Tip #4: Spend at least one hour a week each week doing special time. I’ve written extensively about this within this blwork-life balanceg and my parenting book. This is my top resilience promoting parenting strategy.

Tip #5: Use other wise parents as a sounding board. The three criteria I use for my sounding boards are: (a) the person is experienced and knowledgeable about the problem or issues at hand, (b) the person is willing to disagree with me and (c) the person feels kindly towards me. This discussion can help you to find your perspective and feel more confident about moving forward with your teen. Of course, if you can partner with your spouse all the better (my wife is my go-to gut check person in these instances).

Tip #6: Be selective about your psychological autopsies (i.e., following up later teen rolling eyeson what was said). A simple “I hate you!” Or, “you suck as a parent!” followed by the classic storm off and door slam, may not be worth following up on. Sometimes the gift we give our teen is allowing him or her to blow off steam without it ending up being a thing.

Tip #7: Wait until everyone’s brain is back online before doing a psychological autopsy. Sometimes your teen might say some things in the middle of one of these rants that is very hurtful or which gives you information you believe you need to follow up on. In these instances wait until you’re both calm and rested in order to proceed. This allows for everyone to have all IQ points on deck for what could be a difficult discussion.

Tip #8: When doing a psychological autopsy get your teen’s perspective first, and offer empathy (which can be done even when you disagree); stay there until your teen is vetted, unless you find yourself getting too upset (in which case you may want to stop and come back later). This can be gruelingly difficult to do, but not only will you be modeling an effective communication style, but you will be helping your teen to be more open to your perspective when it’s your turn to share.

child helpmeTip #9: Make sure this isn’t part of a larger problem. Is your teen making similar statements to teachers? Is your teen struggling in his/her social life? Are academics not going well? Does your teen routinely struggle when s/he is asked to do things s/he doesn’t feel like doing?  Is your teen’s mood often disturbed? Does your teen struggle in his/her extracurricular life? Are any of your teen’s regulatory habits disturbed (e.g., sleep)? If the answer to one or more of these questions is  “yes,” then the “I hate you” remarks may be a cry for help.

Tip #10 (readers of this blog can see this one coming a mile away): Err on the side of getting help sooner rather than later. Psychological problems are akin to medical problems in so many ways: they are nearly universal by the time a kid reaches adulthood (about 90%), most of the time they are treatable in a short period of time, they are easier to treat the earlier they are caught and, if they are left unchecked, can cause very stressful and costly consequences. However, unlike medical problems, only about 20% of youth who need evidence-based mental health care get it. Want to be among those parents who don’t make this error of omission? Just click here to get the ball rolling.

So, go forth in peace my fellow parent-lunatic. And, if you can remember exactly why we all signed up for this, would you email me? I’ve forgotten 😉

Leave a comment

10 Tips for Avoiding an Affair

Feb 22, 13 8:17 PM

woman rejecting man's kissOne of the quickest ways to threaten the viability of a family is to have an affair. This entry offers 10 tips for avoiding one.

Tip #1: Be humble. Realize that an affair can happen to anybody. Affairs just don’t happen to people in problematic marriages, though they certain can. The key is to realize that anyone can lose control if enough of the wrong circumstances line up; one does well to stop the progression before it passes the point of no return.

Tip #2: Through water on the spark. If you start feeling titillation towards another person do something to kill that. Putting some distance between you is always a good idea (e.g., stop having contact, make sure you are never alone together, don’t complain about your spouse to this person or encourage the same from him or her, avoid mixing contact with substance use). Another strategy is to tell a wise friend, therapist, or clergy person about it, with an eye towards having them say back to you what you already know. Pre-affair flirtations are like mushrooms: they thrive in the dark. Throwing light on them makes them ill.

forgivenessTip #3: Spice up the fun and sex you have with your spouse. There is a concept in psychology called “hedonic adaptation.” It means we all start losing pleasure in doing things that become too routine or familiar. Novelty in having fun and sex enhances your interest in your spouse and weakens pre-affair titillations. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve seen it happen that someone gets bored with their spouse, has an affair, marries that second person and then gets bored with that person as well.

Tip #4: Fix any impairing psychological pain in your life. Affairs can be used like medicine for mental agitations. If your mental health is troubled, seek out a upset black woman, white backgroundconsultation with a qualified mental health professional. You may be amazingly surprised at how helpful this can be. It can also have way fewer side effects and be much less costly than medicating your pain with an affair. For a referral click here.

Tip #5: Explore accounts of people who have been cheated upon by a spouse. Perhaps you know someone who’d be willing to tell you what it’s like to have his or her spouse cheat on him or her. If not, there are plenty of accounts to be found on the Internet. As a marriage therapist, I find many people are surprised by how much pain it causes their partner. Being connected to this awareness, instead of avoiding thinking about it, throws water on pre-affair sparks.

Tip #6: Explore accounts of people who have cheated. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve known people who felt wracked by guilt over an affair, and were really surprised by how much so. Such individuals often end up feeling in a terrible bind: if they don’t tell their spouse they feel a horrible, crushing guilt. If they tell their spouse it could end the marriage.

marriage counselingTip #7: If your marriage is stuck, seek out a consultation with a skilled marriage therapist. If the foundation in a marriage is strong, marriage counseling can go a long way to getting things back on track. In my experience there are four characteristics of a marriage that is working well: the couple has fun together on a regular basis, the sex life is mutually satisfying (in its frequency and nature), arguments don’t get toxic and couples share what matters in their lives. For a referral for someone who can help get you there click here.

Tip #8: Reflect on what the pain from divorce is like. Engaging an affair significantly increases the likelihood of a divorce and few human experiences are more stressful or painful than that. Moreover, if you share children you could find yourself having to co-parent with someone who feels significant hurt and anger towards you, even years later.

Tip #9: If you believe you wouldn’t feel guilty over an affair, can keep it black couple arguingsufficiently secret while continuing to be in a relationship with your spouse (very few can and it takes tremendous energy to do so) and are seriously thinking about moving forward with one, please seek out the services of a mental health professional. This profile suggests that you may be suffering from some very significant interpersonal problems, even though you may not be in conscious distress. The alternative is to put yourself at high risk for facing some of the common painful consequences that affairs tend to bring.

Tip #10: Do what you can to keep stress from getting toxic. It’s remarkable to me relaxed character in a coconut hot tubhow often this profile keeps stress from getting out of hand: getting a recommended night’s sleep, being physically active on a daily basis, maintaining a healthy diet, and having fun with friends regularly. A regular spiritual and/or meditation practice can also be very helpful, which may or may not mean practicing a specific religion. And, if you really want to get into it, try implementing strategies from positive psychology (e.g., see the book The How of Happiness or multiple blog entries on this site).

I hope these tips are helpful and I welcome others to share theirs.

Comments (2)

What Can I Expect If I Take My Child to See a Psychologist?

Feb 15, 13 9:12 PM

upset characterA recent national study indicated that by adulthood about 90% of youth will have qualified for a mental health diagnosis at one point or another. However, only about 20% of these kids get any kind of mental health care. So, if your child is showing some distress s/he is in a huge club. But, if you’re getting him/her help for it, you are in an elite club.

Different mental health professions may go about their work in different ways. This blog entry is meant to characterize how an evidence-based psychologist might proceed. (While there are always exceptions, psychologists are the doctorally trained mental health professionals who most commonly provide talking treatments.)

The first thing the psychologist will do is an evaluation. These are the elements I believe constitute a cost-effective, evidence-based evaluation (each of these elements has been endorsed by the Pennsylvania Pediatric Mental Health Task Force):

• A family interview (who is in this interview can vary but often both birthboy umbrella pointing parents and the child of concern are included)

• An individual interview with the youth of concern

• The completion of behavior rating scales

• A review of relevant records (e.g., school records)

• A feedback session that reviews a diagnostic impression, addresses key issues (e.g., causes, prevalence, prognosis) and recommends a treatment plan

What follows are some common concerns I’ve heard from parents who are considering getting mental health care for their child.

If I take my child to see a child psychologist s/he might suffer self-esteem damage (e.g., mom thinks there is something seriously wrong with me).

boy head on handExperienced psychologists know that this is a concern and have procedures in place for helping (e.g., assessing for your child’s strengths, making the experience enjoyable). Moreover, the symptoms that are troubling your child are far more likely to be causing, or to cause, self-esteem damage than interacting with a highly trained, caring and kind adult.

I’m not comfortable signing up for a long course of treatment.

Most research-supported treatments, for most problems, are designed to be short-term. Sure, there are instances where a longer course of care is indicated. In medical pediatric practice short-term treatments are more common than longer-term treatments; the same thing is true in mental health pediatric practice.

Treatment is too expensive.

I’ve been doing this work for over 20 years. I’ve never seen an instance where aconfused child way wasn’t afforded to those with the will to be persistent. Please see this blog entry for a list of strategies. Moreover, the toll from untreated symptoms can be devastatingly higher.

I don’t want to weaken my child (e.g., encourage senseless whining, create dependency, promote externalizing responsibility).

Evidence-based psychotherapy is designed to make itself obsolete as soon as possible, to promote healing and to instill resilience. Alternatively, psychological symptoms often weaken functioning, dampen the human spirit and lower the ceiling on interpersonal, educational and vocational outcomes.

My kid doesn’t want to come in. There’s no point in doing this if s/he won’t cooperate.

black kid skateboardMost kids and teens are neutral or opposed to the idea of mental health care. Actually, if a kid is interested in counseling it suggests either that he or she is very psychologically minded and/or is in a great deal of pain. I tell parents new to my practice not to worry about this. It’s their job to get their kid to my office. It’s my job to make the time worthwhile.

The final chapter of my book Working Parents, Thriving Families, goes into much more depth on this topic, including describing what the most common evidence-based treatments entail and how to tell if your child is getting quality care. Please also see these related blog entries:

Seven Common Myths About Counseling

Signs that a Kid Needs Mental Health Services

Mental Health Concerns are Nearly Universal by Ag2 21

Ignoring Kids’ Mental Health Needs is Expensive

I’ll close by stating that I travel widely within my profession. My experience suggests that the average child psychologist is an extremely devoted and mission-driven person who really cares about kids and doing right by them. If you’d like to check this assertion out for yourself, click here.

Leave a comment

What About When Kids Sexually Abuse Kids?

Feb 9, 13 12:50 PM

upset and angry little girlCNN reported on a story this week regarding 4-5 year old children performing sex acts on each other at a preschool in California. While I’m not in a position to comment on that story, I would like to take the occasion to discuss some parenting implications.

Where does one draw the line between normative and troubling behaviors?

Kids are naturally curious about their bodies and the bodies of other children. For them to comment about such, make jokes, “play doctor” and engage in other expressions of curiosity is normative. Some elements that would make this troubling would be as follows:

√ One of the children is significantly older than the other one. A difference of three years is often used, though there are exceptions (e.g., in Pennsylvania the legislature has set a cutoff of four years between teens who have sex).

√ One of the children is forced to do something that s/he doesn’t want to do.

√ An adult is present.

√ Someone gets hurt, either physically or mentally.

√ Someone gets penetrated.

What might cause a child to abuse a peer?

Research and my clinical experience suggest three causes that are more likely upset girl from behindthan others (of course there may be more than one cause and this list is not comprehensive):

• The perpetrator has himself or herself been the victim of sexual abuse or sexual over-stimulation. The act of sexual acting out can be a child’s way of trying to cope with the trauma of having been a victim himself or herself.

• The child is suffering from juvenile onset bipolar disorder. Hypersexuality is one of the symptoms of bipolar disorder when it has an onset in childhood (which is not the same thing as saying that all children with bipolar disorder are hypersexual).

• The child has a serious case of childhood onset conduct disorder. Children with serious variants of this disorder organize their inner world around aggressive and violent themes. In these instances the sex act is a way of being violent towards and/or dominating another child.

What are the signs that a child has been sexually abused?

child helpmeIt isn’t really possible to be comprehensive as kids are too variable both in the ways they become symptomatic and the degree of trauma it takes for them to become symptomatic. That said, these are some of the more common symptoms:

√ Sudden onset of disturbance in regulatory habits (e.g., sleep, appetite). This can also be manifested by the undoing of previously accomplished developmental milestones (e.g., a child starts wetting the bed).

√ Exaggerated startle responses; this refers to jumping or acting startled upon experiencing routine or casual touches.

√ Intense fear expressed when it comes to approaching situations or people that are reminiscent of the abuse.

√ Sexual acting out.

√ Suddenly and persistently acting like the undead (i.e., having flat affect and disengaging from life).

√ Sudden and persistent mood disturbance (i.e., sadness, anxiety and anger).

Can you share six strategies that parents can use to prevent sexual abuse?

1. I believe the top prophylactic strategy is the maintenance of a good and diverse mom and childconsistent sex education program in the home. This should begin as young as your child can have a conversation with you. Obviously, you’re going to pace yourself on what you share when. The overall goal is to be the first one to cover a given topic (e.g., I don’t want a song or a peer to be the first one to introduce and define a sexual behavior or issue to my child). This is a blog entry with related content: Communicating with Teens about STDs

2. Make sure children are appropriately monitored when they come together. I discuss this extensively in Chapter Three of my parenting book, Working Parents Thriving Families (WPTF). Related content can also be found in these blog entries:

Teens Are Going to Have Sex and Drink, You Can’t Control That…Not!

10 Tips for Parenting Your Progeny’s Online Life

Recent Research: Teens Need Parents to Monitor Them

3. This is somewhat redundant with the first recommendation, but establish what good and bad touches are, what your child should do if approached for such and what your child should do if s/he experiences such. Part of this could be creating various vignettes for your child and asking him or her what s/he would do in those situations.

4. Ask the appropriate school administrator how they handle bathroom trips and character checkmarkactivities. Partner with them on making sure that the monitoring and access are effectively managed. (You’d also want to ensure that there are not other occasions for children to be unmonitored for an extended period of time.)

5. Ensure that your child is appropriately monitored when not in school and in your home (I cover this extensively in the chapter I mentioned above).

6. Do “special time” each week with your child. This keeps the communication channels open. I discuss this extensively in Chapter One in WPTF. For a handout on doing special time click here.

What do I do if my child has suffered sexual abuse?

Get an evaluation done by an appropriately experienced mental health professional ASAP.  For instance, Children’s Advocacy Centers are spread across our country. To find one near you, click here.

Leave a comment