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These posts review specific evidence-based parenting strategies.

10 Coping Thoughts When College Searching

Oct 18, 13 11:05 AM

character college gradA time of acute stress is when teens are searching for a college to attend. It’s so easy to harbor thoughts that promote anxiety and stress. However, just like one can change out of an uncomfortable pair of pants, one can swap out painful (and usually irrational) thoughts for ones that promote peace (and are usually more rational). Here are my favorite 10 coping thoughts for this situation.

1. It’s impossible to visit all the schools that might be a good fit for your child. There are over 7,000 institutions of higher learning in the United States (and it can sometimes feel like about half of them are sending your kid email or snail mail). Better to set a number to visit and know that this means you’ll be leaving many, many good schools out.

2. It’s okay to not know how it’s all going to work out. This is such a complex, long and draining process. Who the heck knows what will happen? It’s certainly possible to fill in the uncertainly with epic worrying. However, think about this: did you ever have another time in your life when you had no clue how something very important was going to turn out? Didn’t it usually end up working out okay, even if there were some bumps and bruises along the way? If Vegas were involved, the smart money would be on that it’s all going to work out fine.

3. It is very rare for a human to do his or her best job at anything over a woman sitting on books with a laptopsustained period of time. Your teen is either on point for this process, or co-authoring the lead with you. This means that s/he is probably sometimes procrastinating, sometimes breaking deadlines and sometimes not exerting sufficient effort. It’s important to remember that we are all like this, at least some of the time, even with important projects. Forgetting this can cause some pretty intense and unhelpful conflicts.

4. There is no such thing as THE ideal school for your child. As you do college campus tours notice the percentage of kids at that school who state that they are very happy with their choice. Sure, they’ll sometimes talk the marketing talk (i.e., this is THE BEST SCHOOL EVER IN THE UNIVERSE). But, either all but one of those groups of kids are correct, or, most kids end up liking where they go.

character holding line charted5. If you don’t have the money, you don’t have the money…though it can take a while to figure that out. I was recently doing a tour of a campus and calculated that the sticker price, across four years, including all ancillary fees, added up to about a quarter of a million dollars. (Good thing I wasn’t eating any food at the time or I’d have choked on it.) We parent-lunatics are disposed to think that our only two choices are 1. To give our baby what s/he wants and have him/her be happy, in which case we are a good parent or 2. To not give our baby what s/he wants, have him or her be miserable and have us both be failures. I have to laugh to myself because even blogging child psychologists are vulnerable to this type of thinking.

6. Affluence has little to do with happiness. The research indicates that once you know that a person has enough money to take care of his or her basic needs (e.g., shelter, clothing, food, medical care), knowing how much additional money that person has won’t tell you much about how happy that person is. While what institution a kid graduates from might sometimes affect future socio-economic status, I’ve never seen research affiliating graduating from a particular institution with happiness (and, believe me, if such research existed, that institution would be doing a full court press in the media about it!).

7. Your child is likely going to have criteria that seem stupid to you, and that’s okay. You’re probably focused on things like cost, return-on-investment, and the breath and depth of opportunities that the faculty can provide. However, your kid may be focused on how the greenery looks, the range of food offerings, the size of the showers and what bands played there in recent years. Maddening I know, but getting upset over that, or trying to get your kid to not be a kid, is as feckless as trying to vacuum all dust mites out of your home.

8. The school a kid attends tells you nearly nothing about the quality of his or hercollege student in garb parenting. I find that many of we parent-lunatics subscribe to this, albeit often without much awareness. “She could only get into schools whose admission standards are a pulse and the ability to write a check that doesn’t bounce, so I must have not done a good job as a parent.” “He got into an Ivy league school, so I deserve applause from the audience.” However, in my experience, judging the quality of parenting based on the school a kid gets into is about like judging the quality of a marriage based on the car(s) the couple drives.

9. It’s okay for your child to go to a university and have zero clue what s/he wants to do for a career. I’m not saying that every kid graduating high school is ready enough, and mature enough, to make decent use of a college education. But, among those who are ready to go, it is common to feel a lot of confusion about which vocation to pursue. That’s what taking courses and speaking with faculty can help with. Moreover, many universities offer career counseling at no additional charge.

toddler learning to walk10. It’s normative to feel freaked out about all of this. In the past few months I’ve told just about anyone who would listen that the process of college searching makes me feel like a toddler, in a wet diaper, all alone, in downtown Manhattan, during rush hour. I’ve since figured out that most parents going through this process feel similarly, at least at the start. And, most parents who are on the other side of it (i.e., whose kids have since graduated from college), say that they worried for naught…of course, they are now onto other worries…This parenting, it is not an open wound?

Anyway, good luck to you and your progeny!

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Five Tips If Your Kid Gets a Bad Report Card

Oct 10, 13 8:02 AM

Many of us have been there: our scholar, our baby, our future Nobel Laureate comes home with a report card that makes us wonder what percentage of his or her genetic material we share. But, as in all painful events, opportunity abounds. Let me begin by defining “poor report card.” I take this to be one in which your child’s grades are significantly below what they should be if he or she extended sufficient effort; of course, this bar varies based on each kid’s academic potential. If your child comes home with a report card that you believe is below this bar, here are five tips to consider.

Tip #1: Diagnose the problem. Just like a fever can have many causes, so to can a poor report card. Is your child investing enough effort each school night? Is the curriculum too challenging? Might she or he be suffering from a problem in learning? Might the stress in your child’s life be exceeding his or her capacity to manage it? Is he or she getting enough sleep? Might your child be suffering from a psychological disorder (about 90% of youth do, at one point or another, by age 21)? How is his or her vision? Is too much work being assigned?  Getting help in figuring this out can also save a lot of time and consternation, especially if your plan to fix things doesn’t work right away. Even the evaluation choices can make one’s head spin. So, I’d consider not going at it alone and get some help.

Tip #2: Avoid bad mouthing the teacher. If your child gets the idea that singing to you about the teacher’s incompetence or unfairness will cause your expectations for him or her to be relaxed, expect for that song to soar to the top of the charts in your house. Even if you believe that the teacher is part of the problem, use the experience to teach your child how to interact effectively within such relationships (i.e., this is hardly going to be his or her last experience having to deal with someone with power over him or her exercising such in a manner that is less than ideal). You may also value reading my entry on having an effective parent-teacher conference.

Tip #3: If your child manifesting a compromised effort is a key factor, incentivize such. As behavioral psychologists have argued for years, we all do those things that we believe are in our best interest. Of course, many youth know not what is in their true best, long term interest (i.e., if we dropped their brains into a fully grown adult body we’d say that that adult has brain damage). So, we parent-lunatics, need to align what they believe is in their best interest what we know to be so. In my parenting book I’ve detailed a variety of decision trees for rewarding desired behavior based upon the severity and nature of the problem. As the issue of getting a kid to do something when he or she doesn’t feel like it is a common theme in parenting I have multiple blog entries on related topics and strategies. For example, click here, here, here, or here.

Tip #4: Make sure your kid is experiencing success with his or her competencies. Using one’s top strengths in important ways contributes to every human’s sense of personal efficacy. However, this is even more important for a child as self-esteem is in a formative period. And, double that for a child that is experiencing challenges in another major domain such as academics. Without this countervailing force one worries that a child’s self-esteem could go south, which is then associated with a number of unfortunate outcomes. (Chapter Two of my parenting book, Working Parents, Thriving Famiies, covers strategies for this in dept.)

Tip #5: Establish a communication system from school to home. You’ve had the experience of the report card being like Mystery Theatre and likely don’t want to experience that again. So, getting good information on a regular basis is important. This allows you to remediate problems sooner, when they are smaller, than later, when they are bigger. The information you want, at least, is: the day’s homework, when the next quiz/test is, what grades were returned that day and when any long-term projects are due. If your child is motivated and cooperative this communication could be managed by him or her directly to you. However, most of the time you will need the teacher to facilitate your getting the information in order to ensure that you have an up-to-date and complete picture. My preference is to start out on a daily bases and then cut back to a weekly basis once things are better (i.e., it’s easier to have too much structure and relax it than the inverse). Keep in mind that you may also want to know what behaviors your child displayed (e.g., raised his/her hand in class, respected adult authority, stayed on task, related well to other kids in the class). I’d lay out the mechanics of how to do this if I had space, but, once again, all the details can be found n WPTF 😉

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Why Do We Get So Defensive When Our Kids Complain About Us?

Sep 21, 13 9:05 PM

combative momWe parent-lunatics, as much as we are hard on ourselves about our parenting mistakes, can be remarkably defensive when our kids come to us with a complaint about the same. The purpose of this entry is to consider possible causes for this dynamic and to suggest some coping strategies.

Possible Causes

• We love our kids to a degree that is indescribable. I suspect there is part of us that believes that if they totally got this they’d cut us more slack. And, when they don’t, we imagine they are missing how much they mean to us.

• We bust our tails in service to our kids and we (perhaps unconsciously) believe that if they truly recognized that that they’d be more often keep their complaints to themselves. It’s almost like we voluntarily paved our driveway for a neighbor (and received only a brief “thanks” for the service). But then, when we walk on our neighbor’s lawn to retrieve a newspaper, get yelled at for damaging the grass. Yeah, we’ve committed an affront. But, the scolding seems to be missing the big picture!

• We often do better than was done for us by our parents. So, we want out kids working dadto say something like “Father, I so much appreciate that you had it tougher than me when you were growing up and are putting so much effort into rising above that and selflessly and graciously giving me a better childhood.” In these moments we forget that it’s more likely the family dog will sing the Star Spangled Banner.

• Our kids are WAY more self-entitled, irrational, ungrateful and unfair in their treatment of us than the other way around. So, when they come to us with their grievances we want to take out the scales of justice and do some objective analysis.

Coping Strategies

• The first thing is to give your child permission to complain and to express anger. This is not the same thing as allowing cursing or abusive language. But, creating a household where it’s safe to express such thoughts and feelings goes a long way to promoting your child’s long-term wellness and interpersonal skills.

blocking out stimuli• We all do well to remember that our children are exactly that: children. In other words, if your child’s brain was placed into a fully grown adult’s body, and a full battery of neuroimaging and neuropsychological were tests completed, the conclusion would likely be that brain damage exists.

• Sometimes when our self-care is out of balance it’s easy to look to our children to meet our needs. This leaves us vulnerable to overreacting to complaints (i.e., the outlet for my needs being met is being challenged). It’s probably better to make a plan to get some consistent “me” or “us” (i.e., parents) time.

• Taking a deep breath and keeping things in perspective is helpful. Research suggests that our kids make less out of our conflicts than we do. When our kids come to us with lamentations about our parenting we can be more devastated, and think there is something much more wrong, than our kids do.

• Use empathy as much as possible. Just letting your kid know that you dadandsonunderstand what he or she is thinking and feeling can be very helpful. And, to be empathic with a position is not the same as to agree with it. It just lets your child know that you’ve heard and understand him or her, and that means a lot.

• This is the hardest part, but agreeing with any good points that your kid makes is very important to do. This will make it more likely that he or she won’t lie to you (i.e., what’s the good of bringing arguments to the bench if one never wins), models effective conflict resolution skills and strengthens your bond.

• Oh, and it’s probably not a good idea to expect much gratitude as long as your child has brain damage (see above). I know that’s very, very difficult given how selfless and gruelingly difficult parenting can be. But, we can always hope that this will come later, maybe after were dead, but at some point 😉

I’ll conclude by noting that the more years I get under my belt as a parent the more I have an empathic joining with one aspect of grandparenting. I CAN’T WAIT to see my kids in my shoes and to then go home to my childless residence! What’s that line about he who laughs last??

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Four Steps to Finding a Mission

Sep 13, 13 6:54 PM

whats your missionI find there are two common scenarios that arise in family life regarding vocational issues. First, you, as a parent, may be unhappy or unsettled in your current vocation (including those that reside within the home) and be looking for a change. Second, you might be trying to help your child–including the grown up ones–to identify his or her vocation. This entry is meant to help in both circumstances. I will propose four steps for finding a mission and review four traps to avoid.

Step #1: Figure our what your top strengths are. It’s a statistical reality that all humans, barring brain dysfunction, possess top strengths. By a top strength I mean you’d have to travel far and wide to find someone as good at that thing as you. However, I find that many people haven’t figured what their top strengths are and live, as Thoreau put it, lives of silent desperation. A couple of tools can big dreams big efforthelp: StrengthsFinder 2.0 (if you buy the book you get a code that unlocks the online survey) and the VIA Survey of Character Strengths. These tools don’t generate divine wisdom. But, they can be very helpful in generating ideas about what your top strengths might be.

Step #2: Figure out what human problems or needs your top strengths could lessen or alleviate. Sometimes your agitations can offer clues. (You might think of your agitations as angels whispering potential missions.) Make a list of them. What bugs you about the world, both at large and right around you? What needs might you be in a position to meet?

Step #3: Write up a vocational mission statement. This would include statements like you will use a, b & c top strengths to address service mission(s) x, y or z. A persistencemission statement can be a highly valuable tool for helping you to make choices about how to spend your time. One of my all time favorite books, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People makes this point well. (Click here for a resource that can aide you in writing a mission statement–an advertisement first appears but just click away from that.)

Step #4: Figure our what vocational paths might allow you to best realize your mission in a way that is practical (e.g., given your other commitments or life situation). Keep in mind that it is easy for something I call WAIT to creep into your planning process. WAIT stands for “who am I to (take on some important task)?” Self-doubt is a mission crusher. Assuming you’ve managed to purge WAIT from your psyche, it’s at this phase that you might consider things like salary, benefits, location and other practicalities.

You want to have a vocation that makes you feel like you have electricity coursing through your veins? Use your top strengths in a way that serves others in meaningful ways. It’s just that simple.

Let me share four traps to avoid (in addition to the biggie, WAIT):

Trap #1: Being unwilling to take any risks. I’ve never known someone living on a high road challengewho didn’t take calculated risks at some crucial junctures. Clearly not all risks are wise, but calculated ones (e.g., ones based on your top strengths) can facilitate your landing on a high road. (Not every time someone tells you you have low odds of pulling something off are you on the high road. But, just about every time you’re on the high road someone will be in your ear about your low odds of success.)

Trap #2: Getting bogged down by suffering or injustice. Ever known someone living a high road life who didn’t experience injustice? Me either. Again, not everyone experiencing injustice is on a high road but just about everyone who is on a high road will experience injustice. We try to reduce suffering, absolutely. We try to right wrongs, definitely. But, at the end of the day, the more you are in life the more life is in you; so, these kinds of pains are inevitable. But, after you’ve served those masters, try to find the treasure that they offer and forgive as thoroughly and as completely as possible (including yourself).

man stressing to pursue moneyTrap #3: Front loading money issues in the decision making process. Yes, having income can reduce nagging stresses. Yes, having income can broaden choices. But the research on the connection between income and happiness (and this is a well developed body of science) indicates that there is little connection between income and happiness once a person has enough money to take care of life’s basic needs. Ever see someone who is miserable, or listless, within a job that makes him or her a lot of money? Golden handcuffs are still handcuffs.

Trap #4: Getting off track regarding motivation. If I do what I do with an expectation of recognition, gratitude, reciprocation and so forth, I can end up feeling bitterness, anger or depression. Want to fill your tank? Empty it in service. Want to get your needs met? Forget them as you meet others’ needs. Of course there can, and should be, other moments when you focus on your self-care. It’s just that selflessness and deep meaning in one’s vocational life tend to go hand-in-hand. (One of my favorite videos to illustrate this is John Stewart’s happy woman, backgroundtribute to Bruce Springsteen at the Kennedy Center. Listen for what he says about Bruce emptying the tank at the end.)

In closing let me offer that another helpful assessment tool in choosing a vocation is the Strong Interest Inventory. The results can be very useful for generating ideas and avenues for exploration.

Good luck!

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Reduce Separation Drama On the First Day of School

Aug 16, 13 12:32 PM

tantruming girlThe separation on the first day of school can be upsetting for kids and parents. In this entry I offer six strategies for lessening the drama.

#1: Preparation is key. For my blog entry on useful preparation strategies, click here. (Two key points I’ll re-iterate here are to avoid reassurances and the avoidance of developmentally appropriate situations.)

#2: Most kids with separation challenges have one parent, or parent-figure, that they are most attached to. Try to have that person not be the one to take your child to the bus stop or school, at least until the separation has become drama free. Separating from that person at home, while in the company of the other parent, or parent figure, allows your child to get into the separation bath more gradually instead of all at once. It’s also likely easier for your child to separate from the other person when at the bus stop or at school. (My experience is that the second parent/parent figure also tends to be the parent who is less nervous about the separation, which leads to the next point.)

#3: Be calm yourself. Our kids read us in ways that are outside even their black woman smiling backgroundawareness. As there is only so much you can fake, and your anxiety will escalate your kid’s anxiety, use your self-soothing strategies to be cool about school (e.g., thinking about something you’re looking forward to, relaxing your muscles and unobtrusively breathing into your abdomen, engaging another adult in an interesting discussion).

#4: Make the separation as cleanly and as quickly as possible. In this context, syllables synergize symptoms. “Have a great day!” “See you at X time!” “Can’t wait to hear about your day later!” are examples of simple phrases you can use to separate. Chatting your kid up suggests you’re nervous, or expect him or her to be nervous, which may start or fuel drama.

#5: Let whatever adult is taking over deal with any distress your child may be showing. Lengthening the period of separation, in an effort to calm your child, usually has the exact opposite intended effect. Rare is the child who won’t calm down on their own shortly after you leave, especially if the adults with whom you are leaving your child are baseline competent or better. If you’re concerned about this you can always arrange to call the school later to see how your child is doing.

cancel fear#6: If your child continues to struggle with separation for a period longer than two weeks, or your child displays school refusal, consider seeking out the services of a qualified mental health professional. Why have everyone suffering needlessly, right?. To get a referral, click here.

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An Open Letter to College Students

Aug 14, 13 3:15 PM

black woman graduating from behindAs a university professor I often encounter developmental hitches in students that feel outside of my purview to comment upon. Yes, I’ll mention some of these things in my course syllabi. But, I usually don’t draw individuals’ attention to them as to do so would feel paternalistic and intrusive. So, I thought I’d pen an open letter to college students in this forum. As a parent, you may find value in sharing this content with your progeny, especially if you’re footing all or part of the bill.

Dear College Student:

As a strong letter of recommendation from at least one faculty member is usually helpful in order to get into a good graduate program, or to obtain a desirable job, I thought I’d offer some suggestions for accomplishing that and for getting the most out of your courses and professors.

• Be early to class and appointments. And, if you need to be late, don’t bring coffee or retail food with you, as stopping for such suggests you’re casual about being late.

• Give academic tasks your best effort. This may or may not result in an A grade. For most of we professors, a student who busted his or her tail to earn a B is more impressive than the student who dialed it in and got an A.

• Frequently raise your hand in class. In many classrooms it is much better to state the wrong answer to a question than to remain silent. We character raising hand in a crowdfaculty also appreciate students who are willing to alleviate the extended silence than can descend after a question has been posed.

• Present yourself in a neat and clean manner. And, avoid chewing gum in class. If your piercings or tattoos could be considered garish by an older generation, consider whether it might be wise to suppress them.

• Always have with you your schedule and a way to take notes.

• Unless the matter at hand is urgent, or the professor encourages the use of such, never go online or text in class. If it’s urgent that you do so, ask the professor in advance if it’s okay.

upset at laptop• If the professor allows you to take notes with your laptop or portable device, don’t abuse that by using it for other things. (Believe it or not, we can usually tell when you’re making this kind of mistake…also keep in mind research indicating that notes taken by hand are more helpful for learning the material than notes typed on a device.)

• Make eye contact and take notes. Even if you have a superlative memory, taking notes suggests engagement.

• If you get sleepy, ask a question. Nodding in and out of consciousness, or looking like you are struggling to stay awake, may draw the professor’s attention to you in a negative way.

• Try to spend one-on-one time with your professors. This is most easily done by going to office hours. However, many faculty are willing to share a lunch or coffee, go for a walk and so forth. You can discuss class material, career aspirations, projects with which the professor is involved or anything that helps you to get to know each other better.

• Ask your professors what professional projects they are doing outside of class. cocky teacher pointingIf any sound interesting to you, ask if you can help, especially, if the faculty member works within your intended discipline.

• Try to prioritize your career above your extracurricular interests. For instance, I recently had a very talented student decline a great opportunity to get involved in a project that would have advanced his career. He politely turned it down because it conflicted with a social activity from which he could have been excused.

• Play devils advocate with faculty who demonstrate that they value that.

• If you come across a resource (e.g., YouTube video, article, cartoon) that overlaps with class content, send it to the professor as an FYI.

• Read the syllabus before asking questions about tests, grading, procedures in the class, and so forth. (Of course, if the syllabus is vague or incomplete, ask away.) We faculty tend to pour a lot of time and effort into our course syllabi. Asking a question that is addressed in the syllabus (albeit mildly and implicitly) disrespects the faculty member’s work and can make you look like someone who is either unmotivated or needs to be spoon fed.

• Be kind and respectful to other students. Few of us want to spend time with rude or cut-throat people.

fear• Be daring and avoid suffering from WAIT, or “who am I too…?” Self-doubt seriously dampens your ability to take advantage of the universe of opportunity around you.

• If you cross paths with the faculty member outside of class, flash a nice smile and say hello, calling the professor by name; avoid pretending that you haven’t noticed him or her. This helps you to exude confidence and suggests you are socially adroit, even if the faculty member has a dampened response.

• If you’ve been positively impacted by something the professor said or did, send a note about it once the course is over. Any form is nice, but handwritten notes tend to be more impactful.

• If you’re not going to attend a class email the professor about that and your reason. If the reason seems trite reconsider whether you should miss the class (i.e., none of us get really good at anything unless we consistently do it when we don’t feel like it).

• Speak the truth, as exclusively and as kindly as possible. If the academic speak the truth signenterprise is anything, it is the pursuit of truth (not the same as using “the truth” as a club to hurt or to control others). Lying, even if used to provide comfort, is a seductive coping strategy: the more you use it, the more you will be tempted to use it. And, the more you use it, the more you risk becoming known as someone who can’t be believed.

• Ask for favors face-to-face, and preferably outside of class (i.e., the professor may be distracted by competing demands in class). Requesting a favor through an email risks creating the (perhaps unfair) impression that you are shy or unmotivated.

• Avoid sending emails that solicit a lot of typing in response.

•If you’re writing about some way the professor can improve on a course evaluation, do so in a way that is kind and respectful, even if the professor did not treat you that way. This makes it much more likely that your message will carry weight and make a difference.

Keep in mind that most of we faculty recognize and appreciate that you are an adult. So, we won’t harp on you like (many) parents and high school teachers. We will let you be independent. This can create an impression that we don’t care about the points I’ve raised above. Not true. We care and form our opinion about you based on such things. So, when you come to us for letters of recommendation, or for requests to mentor a project, or to become involved in what we are doing, how you’ve performed on such accounts will usually impact the response you receive.

success ladderI’ll close with two thoughts. First, I realize that you are likely to encounter faculty who violate principles in this letter (e.g., they dial it in, are rude). However, interactions with such faculty afford you the opportunity to demonstrate (if only to yourself) that you can be a pro even when the other person is not. Second, I invite you to find at least one mentor while in college. To many faculty you are beautiful in your state of becoming. For this reason we enjoy, and find meaning in, mentoring. (I suspect that there would be a lot more mentoring going on were it not for WAIT.)

Good fortune to you during these precious and exciting years of opportunity, learning and growing. I hope you can get the most out of them in order to define and advance your vocational mission!

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Preparing Your First Time Student for the Fall

Aug 6, 13 12:34 PM

mom and daughter2I’d like to organize this post around five Q & As:

1.  Why should parents of rising preschoolers or kindergarteners be thinking about this now?

If no child or adult in your home is experiencing anxiety about the pending school year little preparation may be needed. However, if anyone is nervous a little preparation may increase comfort and reduce drama come the big day. When in doubt, it’s usually better to prepare, when that isn’t warranted, than the other way around.

2.     What are some things parents can do in the home to help prepare their young children?

The short answer: play and read together. The playing could be things like role playing (e.g., one of my fondest parenting memories is my eldest bossing me about the classroom, as my teacher, when we would play this game). It could also be drawing about the pending school year. Kids often use play to acclimate themselves to developmental challenges.

The reading could be acquiring related books on the topic and reading them to dadandsonyour child, maybe following such up with a discussion. I find the books at magination press tend to be helpful while I like how the scaredy squirrel books treat anxiety in general.

3.     Are their any field trips that can be helpful?

Probably the most useful thing you could do would be to take a trip, with your child, to the classroom; even better yet would be to meet the teacher and to talk about what the school year will be like. Many preschool and elementary schools are willing to make such a service available in August. If not, even driving to your child’s school and walking around it, or in it, can be helpful. Also, if your child will be taking a school bus for the first time, it can be a good idea to get permission to sit in a bus for a few minutes. (Meeting his or her actually school bus driver may not be possible. But, if it is, that could be a good idea as well.)

4.     Any other preparation that can be done?

The first preparation is an anti-preparation: avoid reassurances about the school year. But, if you must reassure, try not to overdo it. A reassurance indicates that there is something potentially threatening at hand. If you came to my office and I said to you: “don’t worry about getting lice here as I keep my office very clean” can you imagine how uncomfortable you could start to feel? A well intended, but sometimes unhelpful reassurance, could be something like “Don’t worry about going to school this year. You’re going to love it.” Instead, it might be better to say something like: “Guess what, you’re going to get to make lots of new friends in a few weeks!” But, you don’t want to oversell, less you create the impression that your pushing a lemon.

character students lined up in desksIt can also be fun to collaborate on school clothes and supplies. This needn’t break your bank. Just whatever you can afford. I think it’s also good to segue to your school time sleep routine the week before. (I’ve written multiple blog entries on sleep. Just enter “sleep” in the search engine above.)

5.     Will you be offering any other advice on this topic?

Yes. In the near future I’m going to do a blog entry on how to avoid separation drama on the first day of school. So, stay tuned.

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The Serenity Prayer and Parenting

Jul 28, 13 9:12 AM

prayingThis is a well-known version of the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Let me make my points through six questions:

1. Are you suggesting that one need be religious to be a good parent?

No, I’m not suggesting that. While practicing a religion is correlated with a wide array of good health outcomes, one can be an atheist and still benefit from adhering to the psychological principle imbued within this prayer.

2. What is the psychological principle?

Want to burn a person out? The formula is simple: give that person a sense of responsibility for an important outcome; then make sure s/he doesn’t have the power to achieve it. As the importance of the outcome rises, and control goes down, burnout rises. Sounds silly for someone to allow himself or herself to fall prey to this doesn’t it? Yet, we cooperate with this sort of an agenda all the time. We do this in our vocations (e.g., serving more people with fewer resources) and in our personal lives (e.g., trying to get another human to stop a self-destructive habit). There’s a reason why so many recovery programs lean heavily on this prayer.

3. How is this related to parenting?

As I’ve routinely noted in this blog, we parents love our kids so much it makes black mom with kids, white backgroundus crazy people. When our kids hurt we hurt worse. We also are very focused on procuring the best outcomes for our kids. This great love of ours, in combination with our mighty concern for our kids’ outcomes, can cause us to try to control things that are either outside of our control or which would be better left to the control of our kids or those serving them (e.g., teachers, coaches), especially as they age.

4. What are some signs that a parent might be trying to control things not within his or her control?

Tension and frustration are often experienced. Of course, experiences of tension and frustration are not exclusive to these moments. But, if I’m trying to control things not within my control, I can get myself pretty worked up. My kids will also either tremble in my wake or storm the gates of my authority. Others trying to serve my kids will also often manifest some combination of finding me odd, trying to avoid me, or joining the charging of the gates.

5. How do you distinguish between not trying to control uncontrollable things and disengagement or laziness?

The prayer indicates that this can be tricky, which is why there is the request for wisdom. For my part, I find that those parents who are at risk to be over controlling don’t often have it within them to be disengaged or lazy.

spiritual man As a professor, I see some students who over study. Sometimes this causes them to fret needlessly. As I try to get them to throttle back a little, I’ll say things like “y’know, someone like you is never going to just dial it in. You may burn out but you’re never going to rust out.” I think it’s the same thing with we parents. There are those of us who are disposed towards micromanaging (the burn out crowd) and those of us who are disposed to dialing it in (the rust out crowd). (By the way, does the rust out crowd even read parenting blogs?). So, if you’re in the former group, I don’t really think you have to worry too much about being disengaged and lazy when it comes to parenting. It’s just not in ya 😉

6. Any closing advice?

Just ask yourself if this thing you’re fretting over is really within your control. And, if it is, might it better to relinquish it to someone else? If the control is yours and it’s best to have at it, go forth and do well young lady/man! If it isn’t, try letting go. In my experience, if you let go of something that warrants it, there’s often an  internal confirmation you feel that you’re doing the right thing; this may or may not be accompanied with a feeling of peace (as your child’s outcome is still at issue), but it’ll often feel, somehow, someway, like it’s the right thing to do (and I speak as someone who owns a t-shirt that says “micromanager”).

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Elements of Quality Mental Health Treatment for Youth

Jul 18, 13 7:07 AM

billboard2 copyI find that many parents have little idea what to expect when taking their child or teen for mental health services. In my last blog, I described elements of a good mental health evaluation for a child or teen. In this entry I will describe elements of quality outpatient mental health treatment. (Please keep in mind that some of these elements may not be present in your child’s or teen’s care but s/he may still be receiving good treatment.)

√ A diagnostic impression is shared. The insurance company is usually getting this information, so you should too. More importantly, having these words allows you the opportunity to educate yourself about the condition(s).

√ The clinician has discussed how he or she arrived at the diagnostic formulation and the the primary scientific findings pertaining to such (e.g., causes, prevalence, outcomes).

√  The clinician shares specific information regarding which treatment(s) is/are   therapy etchingrecommended. This should include giving you the name of what each treatment is called; again, this allows you to educate yourself about the science behind the intervention. The clinician also does well to include, in instances when more than one intervention is recommended, which intervention is treating which problem or diagnosis; a discussion of the prognosis is also usually advisable.

√ The clinician endeavors to answer all of your questions, either at the time that you ask or later, including telling you when the available science does not allow a question to be answered well or thoroughly.

√ The clinician develops measurable treatment goals in collaboration with you and/or your child or teen. These goals need not be (and usually are not) a comprehensive listing of what will be worked on. But, they include signposts that help you to know (1) if the treatment is working and (2) when you are done.

therapy with teen√ The clinician is comfortable with, and even encourages, you and your child or teen to express differences of opinion regarding what s/he is stating or recommending.

√ The clinician follows the agreed upon treatment plan and doesn’t make changes without getting your informed consent.

√ The clinician tracks progress, keeps scheduled appointments, doesn’t take phone calls or check his or her phone during the appointment (unless you’ve agreed to an exception), meets the entire time, remains both pleasant and alert and gives you sufficient notice of any extended vacations or breaks from treatment.

√ You get the sense that the clinician cares about your child or teen and his or her success.

√ You are kept informed about progress. While the clinician may not share information that your child or teen wishes to keep confidential, s/he should keep you informed in general terms. If the treatment is behavioral in focus, it is also commonly recommended to teach you how to coach and reinforce the skills your child or teen is learning.

√ If there are problems at school, the clinician should be available to collaborate with school personnel; sometimes this may warrant attending an in-person meeting at the school.

√ The clinician may recommend things you can do to augment the work (e.g., overwhelmedread a book, attend a support group meeting).

√ The clinician is not shy about bringing up sensitive topics, including if s/he believes that your getting mental health care for yourself could be helpful.

√ Appointments are scheduled at a pace that is consistent with how the treatment is usually prescribed (something you can easily learn yourself with a little leg work).

√ While your insurance company may dictate what is covered and what isn’t, you should never get the sense that the insurance company is dictating what is diagnosed or what treatment(s) is/are being recommended.

Good luck! To find a clinician near you, click here.

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What Does a Good Mental Health Evaluation Look Like?

Jul 6, 13 6:17 AM

billboard2 copyIn last week’s blog I discussed why the summer can be a great time to get a child or teen a mental health evaluation. This week I will review the elements of a good child or teen mental health evaluation. At the end I will offer a few qualifiers.

(I recently ended a term co-chairing the Pennsylvania Pediatric Mental Health Task Force, a collaboration between the Pennsylvania Psychological Association and the Pennsylvania Chapter of the American Academy of Pediatrics. That task force endorsed the standards I am reviewing here.)

A good mental health evaluation for a child includes the following elements:

• A family interview. “Family” can be legitimately and differently defined across clinicians. For me, it is the youth of concern and his or her parents and stepparents. If the adults cannot be interviewed together (e.g., there is too much resentment) this can be spread across interviews. I find it very difficult to get the relevant information, while building a trusting relationship, in less than 90 minutes. This is an essential part of the evaluation as it is exceedingly difficulty to accurately understand a child’s or teen’s symptoms independent of the context in which that youth resides.

• A youth interview and/or play session. Each child or teen has a great deal of useful line of kidsinformation to share. However, s/he may not be able or willing to do so with his or her parent(s) in the room. This is true even among youth who are not psychologically minded or inclined to cooperate.

• The completion of parent, teacher and child behavior rating scales. These scales allow a clinician to measure whether a youth’s symptoms and strengths are atypical among children or teens of his or her age and sex. The available research also suggests that parents, teachers and kids each possess important, complimentary and unique information about a given youth’s functioning.

• A review of academic records. This includes report cards, state achievement testing and relevant special education or disciplinary records. Sometimes parents believe that the school life is not a problem but records suggest that there are important opportunities for growth there. Moreover, such records can present the clinician with information that allows him or her to develop a more nuanced understanding of a kid (e.g., how often a child is tardy or absent, academic strengths and weaknesses).

defiant boy• A review of any relevant medical, psychological, welfare or forensic records that exist on the youth. I tell families that work with me: “If you’re in doubt regarding whether a document could be important for me to review, include a copy of it.”

• A behavior rating scale that screens for parental wellness. The research and my clinical experience both suggest that the number one complicating factor in mental health treatments for youth is the mental health status of his or her parent(s). (You can find numerous articles on this blog pertaining to the connection between parent and kid wellness.)

I have seven qualifiers for these remarks:

1. Other evaluation tools may also be needed to render a reasonable diagnostic formulation (e.g., psychological testing, medical evaluations, speech and language evaluations).

2. There may be clinical contraindications for doing some of the procedures I have reviewed here. However, if such contraindications exist they warrant discussion.

3. Here’s the elephant in the room: limits on insurance coverage often drive medicalsymbolanddollarsstandards instead of the other way around. Too many times I’ve heard clinicians lament that they do not do what they believe is clinically warranted because an insurance company won’t pay for it. Yes, that can be a harsh reality (actually, a very harsh reality). But, parents (and sometimes the youth too) deserve to hear, from the clinician, what the clinician believes is an advisable evaluation plan. Then the parents can decide, once they are informed regarding the pros and cons of their choices, whether they wish to proceed in a truncated fashion (i.e. what the insurance will cover) or do as the clinician recommends. (For my blog entry on paying for mental health services, click here.)

4. Here’s the elephant’s sidekick: child and teen clinicians are busy people who often have large caseloads (put this statement all in caps for those child clinicians working within agencies). A given child or teen clinician may feel too busy to do an evaluation the like of which I’ve described here. If so, this also deserves a frank discussion so that parents can make their own decision about who to see. I have no problem with a clinician doing a truncated evaluation. I do have a problem with a clinician doing a truncated evaluation without informed consent.

character checking off checkboxes5. A diagnostic formulation can hit the bullseye without all of these elements being included. Heck, if a parent honestly answered my questions for 10-15 minutes, and I were to develop a formulation based only on that interview, I might end up being right a good amount of the time. However, I’d be wrong, or importantly incomplete, in an unacceptable number of instances. This is why due diligence is warranted.

6. The evaluation standards I’ve reviewed here include a cost-benefit analysis. (If that weren’t the case, I’d recommend psychological testing for every child and teen.)

7. A good mental health evaluation on a child or teen will offer a thorough review of his or her strengths. And, this will be a central aspect, not just a preliminary or sidebar feature.

There are numerous other issues I haven’t covered here (e.g., what are the signs that a child might need a mental health evaluation, how can one parent get this done when another is resisting it, what’s a good way to approach a school or teacher about participating). But, you can find these topics addressed either in other blog entries (use the search bar at the top right) or in my parenting book Working Parents, Thriving Families: 10 Strategies that Make a Difference.

Next week I will review methods for active partnering and participation with your child’s or teen’s mental health professional. For now, good luck, and click here for referral information.

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