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Category Humor

10 Funny Parenting Videos for a COVID Quarantine

When setting out to start this blog I meant to include regular doses of humor. However, I’ve fallen behind, having only written two articles thus far with a humorous slant. So, I thought I’d try to make up some ground by sharing my top 10 funny youtube videos with a parenting or child theme:

#10 First month as a parent: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09RAV0-On58

#9 Star wars according to a three year old (the funny line comes at the end) www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBM854BTGL0

#8 Irish girl Becky makes a prank call https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHUqflI2SKg

#7 Robin Williams on fatherhood: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykq8IkiCgFw

#6 Smarty pants dance: www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Nn9dd6FfE8

#5 Tim Hawkins on parenting www.youtube.com/watch?v=crQ7Y2alDxI

#4 David after the dentist: www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs

#3 Mark Scharenbroic on hobby parents: www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfjH1Rk5hj4

#2 My nominee for best commercial with a parenting theme (mostly heart warming but there is a laugh at the end): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGVm8fdYEGU

#1 William Tell Overture mom:  www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0ZpuA8_YYk

I’d enjoy learning about other funny videos with a child or parenting theme.

Parenting Through Proms

High school proms can represent, especially if your child is a senior, a right of passage. There is so much about this that can be joyful. But, there can be risks and challenges as well. So, this entry is designed to help you with the latter. I have three sections: (1) questions that I’d collaboratively answer with your teen until you are satisfied, (2) a list of issues that I would try to avoid controlling, barring unusual circumstances and (3) (hopefully humorous) responses to situations in which your teen tries to indict you for acting like a responsible parent.

Questions to resolve to your satisfaction

What sober and responsible person is driving?

Has the school established effective monitoring procedures? (This is more of a question for the relevant school administrator and needn’t directly involve your teen.)

What are the costs and who is paying for what? (A related issue, for some families, might be how a teen would be allowed to earn the money to cover the costs.)

Where is the after party and what responsible adult will be monitoring? (Keep in mind that monitoring can involve being in the same room, or next door, or in the parking lot. The goal is for the monitor to do no more than to ensure safety, sobriety and celibacy.)

Things to avoid trying to control

Yes, it’s good to be informed, but I would avoid trying to control what follows.

Who the date is. Of course you need to ensure that your teen is safe, sober and celibate for the night. Once those bases are covered, it’s a good idea for you to let your teen figure affairs of the heart out for himself or herself. It’s good to be a sounding board, if invited, but to keep negative opinions about a prospective date to oneself. This is good practice for when you’re an in-law, at least if you wish to be an effective in-law.

What the style of the outfit is, short of it looking like she could serve in a lineup of prostitutes. (Male analogies are less likely, but the same thing would apply if its relevant for your son.) Dads, when it comes to your daughter, it’s often best to let her mother (or some other responsible woman) handle this and to only make positive comments.

Who is attending the after party.

Other circumstances regarding the after party once you’ve secured the conditions described above.

Retorts to common prosecutorial invectives:

Obviously, these are not serious responses. But they are designed to make your teen exit your eye-line when howling at the moon.

Teen invective: “No body else I know has to have such stupid rules!”           Parental response: “But none of the other parents are as big of a control freak as me.”

Teen invective: “I’ll be going to college in a few months. You won’t be able to control things like this then!”                                                                         Parental response: (with a big smile) “Really?! I’ll be able to let someone else do it? What will that person be charging me?

Teen invective: “The other kids think you’re embarrassing.”                          Parental response: “That’s not because of my prom rules. That’s because they see me shopping at Victoria’s Secret so much.”

Teen invective: “I’ll just sneak out at the prom and you won’t know what I do.”            Parental response: “The school chaperone (know his or her name) has promised me that if s/he doesn’t see you for any given half hour s/he will text me about that. I will then text this baby picture of you (have visual ready) to your friend’s cell phones and upload it to your Facebook page with the caption “(your child’s name), cutest baby ever born in (name your city)! Love Mommy/Daddy”

Teen invective: Grandma (your mother) told me she didn’t have these kinds of rules for you!                                                                                                                Parental response: Grandma is getting senile.

Teen invective: You NEVER had these rules for (fill in name of older sib). Or, “You’ll NEVER make (name of younger sib) go through this!”                       Parental response: You know I love him/her more.

On a serious note, the wheel turns too fast sometimes. As your “baby” goes through this rite of passage, I hope you can enjoy it fully and take pictures/videos galore. It can be truly wonderful and bittersweet.

Parents of Teens: Do You Actually Give People Your Home Phone #?!

This week my youngest turns 13, which now means that I live with 3.0 teenagers, and will do so until 8/14, at which point my eldest will go off to college.

In the spirit of that reality, I’m blogging today about the odds of getting an accurate message delivered to you, when a teenager has taken the message. As you examine the illustration below, please note that this is dependent on the caller having had the good sense to make sure that your teen wrote down the message. Without that, the numbers would be much lower 😉

teens and phone messages

Top 12 Humorous Parenting Quotes

I’m in the middle of a hectic summer schedule, so I thought I’d let others do my writing by sharing my top dozen favorite, humorous parenting quotes of all time:

I’ve never understood horror movies. If you want horror have a couple of kids. Richard “Old Man” Harris, Pawn Stars

 

Parents don’t want justice. They want QUIET. Bill Cosby

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.                Red Buttons

Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare. Ed Asner

My second favorite household chore is ironing, my first one being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. Erma Bombeck

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. Harry Truman

Most children threaten, at times, to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. Phyllis Diller

The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering. Paul Reiser

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.        Michelle Pfeiffer

I am not allowed to sing, dance, laugh or wear short skirts. Having a teenage daughter is like living with the Taliban.  Kathy Lette

There is nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won’t aggravate. Anonymous

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is. Erma Bombeck

 

Some Humor for Dog Lovers

A few times I’ve written about the neuroses of my Portuguese Water Dog, Dakota. In the spirit of fairness, perhaps such are not completely determined by genetic endowment, as this brief video suggests. (Just click on the picture to view it.)

10 Gifts to Give Her if You Wish to Die

Let’s face it, its way easier to read your average man’s mind than it is to read your average woman’s mind. Case in point: a few months back I was in a local bookstore with my teenage son. Around that time the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition had just come out, with the sort of cover that is typical for that edition. And, the magazine was all over the store. As I noticed my son looking at this cover, but trying to hide his glances from me, I initiated the following exchange:

Me: (chuckling) You know that I know what you’re looking at and what you’re thinking about.

Son: What are you talking about?

Me: Son, never forget that I usually know what’s going through your mind.

Son: Well, what am I thinking now?

Me: You’re thinking that you’re hungry.

Son: Ok…well, what am I thinking now?

Me: That you’d like to get back home to your new video game.

Son: Damn. How do you do that?

Me: We’re just simple creatures.

When we got home my son relayed the story to me teenage daughter, who turned to me and asked “Ok, Dr. genius, what am I thinking?!” To which I said “no clue.”

So, in the spirit of trying to help dudes understand their ladies, or to help ladies to bring their dudes along. I’ve constructed this top 10 gifts to avoid giving her, unless you want to die. (Keep in mind that if your lady has explicitely requested something on this list, you’re probably okay. But make sure she explicitely asked for it and her doing so is not a test.)

• Appliances

• Jewelry, clothes or perfume that your mother is partial to

• Any article of clothing that is the wrong size

• Hobby equipment that you want her to take up but she has been resisting (e.g., golf clubs)

• Electronics, tools or sporting equipment that you wish someone would give you

• Any gifts even remotely suggesting that she would do well to lose weight

• Gift cards (suggests you either didn’t have the energy to shop and/or have given up on trying to read her mind)

• Sexy lingerie (risks her concluding that you are giving her something for you)

• Something re-gifted

• Anything used

I know, I know, you’re thinking things like “What’s wrong with something used, as it saves money for something that could be just as good?” Or, “But a gift card gives her more flexibility in what she wants to get!” I hear you man, and for your partner, you might be right (even a broken clock is right twice a day). But, remember she thinks differently than you, so sometimes its best to not trust your gut and to read your indicator lights (e.g., this blog), less you crash and burn.

For Men: Parsing When a Woman Says “Fine.” (Humor)

Clearly men and women speak different languages. This post is meant to aid married or committed men, who ask their wife or partner if it is okay to play with friends, to parse what the response “fine” could mean.


I hope you can use this guide to promote harmony and understanding in your relationship 😉


Using Our Screw Ups to Help Our Kids

With this entry I hope to illustrate the truth of two psychological formulas: crisis = pain + opportunity and comedy = pain + time.

Our children, as they negotiate awkward developmental challenges, often feel as if they are the first human to go through the turmoil and awkwardness that is at hand. For this reason it can be very comforting to them to hear our related stories of failings and difficulties, assuming they see us as being generally competent. To demonstrate what I mean I offer the story below. I’ve used it with not only my own children, but with many teen clients, to help quell the terror that is often associated with first dating experiences.

At this point in the story I was 16 years old. Having never dated before, and being tormented by my father’s repeated choruses of “16 and never been kissed,” I felt desperate to put the experience of “the first date” in the rear view mirror. So desperate was I that I asked my next youngest sister–with whom I was generally at war–for help. Probably sensing that teasing me about this would be too easy, Sharon took pity on me and put forward a candidate for a first date: Molly (her name has been changed to hide the fact that I cannot remember her name).

As many males who are learning about female creatures have discovered, movies make for good first dates because they reduce the need to come up with things to talk about. So, I asked Molly to Romeo and Juliet and she said yes. Before the movie I considered what rules might apply in such situations. Where I got this from I don’t know, but I decided that a “rule” for such dates was that the guy should put his arm around the girl. Now, I knew Molly about as well as the woman who punched our tickets. However, being a first-born Irish Catholic, I thought it important to follow the rules, so I put my arm around her. Of course, it didn’t take long for my arm to grow as numb and lifeless as a piece of decaying meat…and, then it started to hurt. So, I had no choice but to retract it. But as it was numb and I could not control it well, I bashed the right side of Molly’s head as I withdrew it. A few moments later, as I was feeling badly both about having hit her and for violating the dating rule, I decided to put my arm back. However, as it was still partially numb, I smacked the left side of her head on the return flight. Of course, a few moments later, the pain returned. This time, though, I was determined to gut it out. Finally I could bear the pain no longer and knew that I had to retract it again. This time, however, I resolved, with as deep and as sweaty of a conviction as any 16 year old could muster, that I would clear her head. But, as my arm had become deaf to signals from my brain, I hit her the fullest this second time coming back…trying to salvage some aspect of this date I consulted my mental rule book and remembered that guys should buy snacks, which I offered to do and which Molly quickly accepted (probably just to enhance her safety). With all that had been doing on with my right arm, I didn’t notice that my left leg had gone completely asleep. So, as I got up, I collapsed into the isle. Getting up somehow, I then galumphed my way up to the lobby like some actor playing a hyperbolic version of Igor. Such was my spectacle that when I returned to my seat a couple of people behind me started throwing popcorn at the back of my head.,..needless to say, Molly and I did not have a second date.

As mortifying as that experience was at the time, I have helped so many teenagers feel less alone and consider that maybe he or she is not as big of a screw up as he or she sometimes imagines. Indeed, the pain from that night–in a theater that was subsequently and thankfully torn down– has yielded more opportunities than I can count.

So, think of your mistakes and consider whether sharing them with your child might help you to discover hidden treasures. I would certainly enjoy hearing about any success you have, or have had, along these lines.

Top 10 Ways to Get Your Teenager to Clean His or Her Room

Tell him/her that doing so is the only way she/he can get you to not…

  1. send his cutest picture walking in a diaper to his friends’ cell phones.
  2. dance at the next dance she attends (model making a lasso over your head with one hand and smacking your backside with the other).
  3. hold his hand the next time you’re at the mall.
  4. share the name you had for him when he was a baby the next time you give his friends a ride.
  5. rap when her friends come over.
  6. ”accidently” text her boyfriend asking if she has completed her daily prayers yet.
  7. stand up at the next religious service your family attends, at an appropriate point, and ask if you could offer an example of your teen’s virtuous behavior so that other teens might benefit.
  8. keep clapping, after everyone else has stopped, at her next performance (sports, music, acting, etc.), shouting “woo-hoo! go girl go!”
  9. take out an add in the local paper with the caption “For (name of your teen)” with the words “Remember, mommy and daddy will always love you no matter what!”
  10. show up at her school wearing high water pants and green socks and
  • if you’re a mom: bright pink lipstick that you apply outside of your lip line.
  • if you’re a dad: moussed, spiked hair.

Of course, these are meant for the sake of humor only (well, mostly 😉 ). But, if you really are struggling with your teen’s behavior, perhaps a child therapist could help. One place where you might find a local referral is here.

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