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These posts review specific evidence-based parenting strategies.

Parenting Through Divorce, Part 2

Jun 18, 13 8:13 PM

divorce graphic2In last week’s blog entry I set a context for parenting through divorce and reviewed some common parenting traps. This week I will focus on positive parenting practices and offer some qualifiers.

The following can be very helpful to your child as your family adjusts to divorce:

• Having positive conversations with your ex within earshot of your child.

• Offering sincere compliments regarding your ex within earshot of your child.

• Affirming to your child that your ex loves him or her.

• Qualifying or disagreeing with negative statements that your child makes about your ex (see last week’s entry for the rationale).

• Putting your child’s best interests above any feelings of rage or hurt that you Asian mom with kidscontinue to feel towards your ex.

• Keeping your child unaware of any ongoing court battles.

• Making peace with your ex as quickly and as thoroughly as possible. Sacrifices rendered along these lines, as long as you can manage them, are in service of giving your child a precious gift.

• Allowing and welcoming your child to voice feelings of loss pertaining to your ex. This can be very hard to bear but your child will likely appreciate your selflessness across time.

• Allowing your child to talk about, and play through, feelings pertaining to the divorce.

• Providing the your child with methods for coping with the divorce (e.g., readings—for example see the book for kids by Isolina Ricci, a child divorce support group, counseling and so forth).

ethics, awesome• Pursuing your own recovery from the divorce.

I have four qualifiers for this material:

1. Many parents in my practice will say things like “Ok. Fine. But, what if I play by these rules and my ex doesn’t. My child will end up hearing only complaints about me from my ex and only positive statements about him from me. This could cause my child to be turned against me!” I have two responses. First, I’ve found that when you widen the lens across time, instead of only considering the here-and-now, you will find that most kids, or adult children, will be able to tell which parent is acting in a loving fashion versus which parent is acting more out of hurt and anger. Second, I would use your child’s psychologist to help you with this. She or he can be in touch with the other parent and/or help your child to recognize how much your behaviors along these lines are evidence of your now what characterselflessness and love.

2. Sometimes parents challenge: “But, he gets drunk when my child is with him.” “Or, she has sex in common and open areas of the house with her boyfriends while my kids are sleeping in their beds.” Or, fill in the blank with some other potentially abusive or seriously neglectful behavior. The question becomes “how can I allow my child to be exposed to situations like this?” In my experience these situations are sometimes innocent or easily adjusted, while at other times they represent a serious and ongoing problem; it can be almost impossible for you, as the ex, to make an objective determination about which is the case. However, a child psychologist can help you to both understand what is going on and craft a reasonable intervention plan. But, regardless, be reassured that no reasonable adult believes that it is serenity prayer backgroundokay for a child to be subject to abuse or neglect.

3. You want a formula for creating burnout? Insert the following three elements into a person’s life: (a) the notion that a given outcome is very important, (b) the idea that that person is responsible for that outcome and (c) the person does not have the power to significantly affect the outcome. This is why the serenity prayer is so commonly used in recovery programs. If I try to control how my ex parents I am setting myself up for significant stress because such involves an important outcome over which I have very little, if any, control. This is another scenario where a good child psychologist can be very helpful.

4. If you find that you cannot follow these indicators because your feelings of hurt and anger are too great, it would be highly advisable for you to consider starting your own counseling. (This might be a good idea even if you can act with intention.) If research on parenting tells us anything, it is that promoting your own wellness is an act of love towards your child. (I have some searchable databases on my website: www.helpingfamilies.com/referrals.html.)

Every crisis contains both pain and opportunity, with the dosing of opportunity crisis opportunityoften exceeding the dosing of pain. Parenting a child through a divorce usually involves plenty of pain. But, such situations also include opportunities to manifest and model both excellence in parenting and selflessness. There is no way to calculate the incredible value of such manifested love.

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Parenting Through Divorce, Part 1

Jun 16, 13 11:14 AM

divorce kidBecause of the various ways that families are formed or changed, most children do not reach age 18 living with both birth parents. Quoting a 2005 research brief from the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values: “Before they reach the age of 18, a majority of all U.S. children are likely to spend at least a significant portion of their childhoods in a one-parent home.” A significant contributor to this landscape is the fact that almost half of first marriages end in divorce. Therefore, if you find yourself parenting within a divorced family, you’re in a very, very large club. In this week’s and next week’s entries I will focus on this topic. This week I will set a context and describe common undesirable parenting behaviors. Next week I will describe positive parenting strategies.

Divorce can cause some of the deepest wounds that a person can suffer. So, when someone suggests that your ex is still a member of your family, and that finding a way to parent cooperatively is an important goal, your stomach can wrench. Your ex may have cheated on you, abused you, damaged your relationships with others, stolen from you, made you feel worthless or done some other terrible things. Or, your ex may be highly emotionally reactive to you and depressed characterlose his or her mind whenever you open your mouth. In these situations, it’s so easy, and even understandable, to either stay trapped in feelings of hurt and rage or to be highly dismissive of your ex. Moreover, you might deeply begin to question whether your ex should even be allowed to parent, never mind parent your child/children. Such thoughts and feelings are both common and easy to empathize with. After all, these are human reactions to real pain, suffering and alienation. That said, research makes it clear that the two largest predictors of child adjustment following a divorce are 1. How many changes the child needs to endure (with fewer being better) and 2. How well the divorced parents get along.

With a context set, let me share that the following are usually hurtful to a child:

divorce, child in between• Berating your ex within earshot of your child. Berating your ex outside of your child’s hearing range is also usually not advisable (see below). It sometimes helps to remember that every bullet fired at your ex goes through your child first.

• Quarreling with your ex within earshot of your child. Nothing makes a child want to cover his or her ears more than his or her parents arguing. Kids turn up music, put on headphones, leave the house or do whatever they can to avoid hearing these arguments. To them, who is right and who is wrong, and what is being argued about, no matter how important it may be to the adults, is usually not very important.

• Allowing your child to say negative things about your ex without challenge. I know this can seem counterintuitive. But, keep in mind that your child likely has an uncanny sense for what pleases you. And, pleasing you may be worth the pain of trashing your ex. For your child this is like sticking a dart into himself or herself. If left unchallenged, your child may end up complaining about your ex to you and vice versa. The resulting wounds can facilitate surprisingly negative outcomes, both now (e.g., depression) and later (e.g., your adult child becoming insincere and chameleon like in relationships).

• Expressing non-verbal anger towards the other parent within earshot of divorce graphicyour child. While verbal expressions of anger are often more damaging, this often hurts too. While non-verbally expressed anger may be a lower caliber bullet, it is still a bullet none-the-less.

• Questioning your child about your ex’s personal affairs or allowing your child to play the role of reporter. While both understandably motivated and common, such behaviors are often in support of either 1. trying to collect information to use against your ex in court (which is psychologically akin to asking your child to aide in a prosecution against his or her parent), or represent a difficulty in letting go of the relationship (e.g., it drives me crazy to think of my ex dating someone else so I hope to be given confirmation, by my child, that s/he isn’t doing that). In the latter case this is like trying to quench my thirst by drinking ocean water. Understandable? Absolutely. Helpful? Rarely.

embattled young couple• Differing with, or qualifying, positive statements that your child makes about your ex. Your child may be factually incorrect in some positive statement s/he makes about your ex. But, positive illusions can be an important component of good adjustment growing up (and maybe even as adults), so it’s usually best to let those go. Besides, your child will likely have the opportunity to reconsider his or her childhood as an adult. Your child remembering that you took the high road would only stand to improve your child’s respect and appreciation for you.

• Trying to form a coalition with your child against your ex. Consider such behavior a symptom that your own needs are not being sufficiently met. Love is boundless. It is only pain that can fool us into believing that love is a zero sum game (i.e. to think of love as being like a piece of pie: I better grab it lest I go hungry). The more your promote your own wellness, and find healthy ways to get your needs met, the more your temptation to do this will weaken.

• Threatening to limit access to your ex. This can terrify your child.divorce war with kid, sketching

• Threatening to take your ex to court within earshot of your child.

• Rejecting, or qualifying, feelings of loss that your child expresses regarding your ex. Again, if I do this I am usually responding more out of my own pain and discomfort (none of we parents want to see our child hurting) than my child’s need to mourn. Significant feelings of loss, buried alive, can reek havoc in a psyche.

• Communicating to your child, directly or indirectly, that s/he has to decide which parent is favored or loved more.

• Staying trapped in feelings of rage or hurt towards the other parent.

character at a laptop backgroundIf you are parenting within such a context, and are doing some of these behaviors, it just means that you’re human. However, aspiring to eliminate these behaviors only stands to benefit both you and your child/children.

Please tune in next week for suggestions on positive parenting practices to try.

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Ten Guidelines for When an Adult Treats Your Kid Poorly

Jun 6, 13 1:03 PM

cocky teacher chastizingThe caption of this entry refers to situations in which it seems like a teacher, coach or some other designated authority in your child’s life treats him or her poorly or unfairly. What follows are 10 guidelines for responding to this maddening situation.

Guideline #1: Try to remember that your child will likely have a long stream of these kind of events happening in his or her life way off into the future (i.e., someone with authority over him or her exerts such ineffectively or unjustly) and that this event, while painful and unfortunate, provides a wonderful opportunity for on-the-job training.

Guideline #2: Keep in mind that all of we engaged parents are lunatics. So, we have to realize that we are, much of the time, disposed to over-reactions and/or efforts to over control things. That’s okay and even inevitable. But, we do well to humbly admit that our perception(s) and reality can be different.

Guideline #3: The older your child, and the slighter the infraction. the least likely it may be advisable to intercede, or at least not without clearance from your child. The younger your child, and the more significant the infraction, the more it may be advisable to intercede, sometimes even over your child’s objections. For instance, a coach publically screaming profanity at your elementary school aged child would likely call for you to intervene, while a teacher grading your high school student unfairly on an exam would likely not call for you to intervene.

Guideline #4: Get a full vetting from your child about his or her thoughts and mom and kidfeelings about what happened. Provide empathy. Stay at that place, not sharing your perspective(s), until your child is finished. Then, state any agreement you have with what your child has said before pointing out any alternative perspectives you hold. (Keep in mind that empathy and agreement are different things.)

Guideline #5: Decide if an intervention is warranted. This can be a complicated calculation based on factors like the odds of it happening again (including to other kids), the age of your child, how much the event has upset you and/or your child, the apparent maturity of the adult in question (as best as you can tell), the effectiveness of the administration above the adult in question and the seriousness of the infraction. In figuring this out it’s often a good idea to consult with at least one kind and wise person who is willing to keep your confidence and who is as equally likely to disagree with you as to agree with you.

Guideline #6: If an intervention is warranted, decide who will be on point: you/another parent/another adult or your child. Regardless of who is on point, decide if the other person(s) will follow up in some way (e.g., your child follows up with a teacher after you’ve had a meeting).

conversation teacherGuideline #7: If the child is on point, here are some possible interventions:

√ Asking for a meeting with the adult and your child; consider whether some other adult should be there or not, including you. Consider whether it be over the phone or in person, impromptu or scheduled.

√ Coach (e.g., through role playing) your child on how to get the adult’s perspective on what happened first, on how to provide empathy for the adult’s perspective and how to find common ground with what the adult asserts. This makes it more likely that the adult will be receptive (I know it feels odd to need to coach your child on how to manage the potential defensiveness of an adult, but that’s, unfortunately, how things often work here on planet Earth). Also coach your child that many points can be made more effectively with sentences that end in question marks than with sentences that end in periods or exclamation points. Look at two different ways to make the same point. First method: “coach, I’d love it if you’d let me play center field sometime!” Second method: “coach what could I do to increase your confidence in giving me a shot in center field sometime?”

√ Coach your child on how to get his or her position across kindly, calmly and clearly.

√ Consider what it is your child might ask of the adult or offer to the adult or both.conversation

√ Discuss what your child might say to the adult about your potential follow up (if you’re not to be at the meeting, that is).

√ Consider whether it would be advisable for your child to write something to the adult.

√ Consider whether it is a good idea for your child to be in touch with the person the adult reports to.

√ Consider whether your child should ask his or her peer(s) to be involved in some fashion.

Guideline #8: If you (or another adult) is to be on point, the principles in the previous guideline would be essentially the same. Most of the time it’s advisable to try to find common ground, provide empathy, share your perspective as kindly, calmly and clearly as possible and see if you can reach agreement on a follow-up plan. If the latter isn’t possible, then you could agree on which other adult(s) you might bring into the conversation, assuming what’s at stake is worth it to you.

crisisGuideline #9: Teach and model crisis = pain + opportunity. Do this all the way through the process, including after the fact, at which point it is often a good idea to do a psychological autopsy of what happened.

Guideline #10: If the situation is too painful and/or if the issues are more than you’re prepared to effectively negotiate on your own, seek out help. For example, to find a psychologist in your region, click here.

Who said parenting was easy, right? But, don’t you wish, on some days at least, that someone would have made it EXACTLY clear what it was that you were signing up for? And, can someone please tell us all where the guy lives whose job it was to have done that?! 😉

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Avoid Drama: Use the Problem Solving Technique

May 27, 13 11:54 AM

mom frustrated by depressed daughterHow many of you can relate to this scenario: you want your kid to do one thing (e.g., do a school night routine) but your kid wants to do a different thing (e.g., go to a friend’s house). The resulting drama can last days or, in the case of teenagers, weeks. Problem solving is a technique for avoiding that drama. I’ll review the steps here. You’ll need this handout to use the technique (it includes both a blank form for the exercise and a completed example).

Step #1: Everyone gets their own sheet. Each person should write down the problem at the top and stick to solving only it. Families often sit down to solve a particular problem but then often digress into a wide array of lamentations, some of which seem to pre-date the Old Testament.

Step #2: Brainstorm as many ideas as you can to solve the problem without evaluating them. Just as a light switch can’t be on and off at the same time, we can’t be fully creative and evaluative at the same time. I suggest generating at least 10 ideas and two minutes of silence before stopping. That is, make yourselves get to at least 10 possible solutions and then only stop once you go two minutes without anyone thinking of another idea. So, you may end up with more than 10 ideas. (On the form, it’s important that each person’s line has the same idea.)

Step #3: Evaluate each idea. Each person’s name occupies a column to the right teenandmomof the ideas. Privately put either a + (acceptable idea) or a – (not an acceptable idea) next to each potential solution.

Step #4 (the miracle step): Everyone declare whether you put a plus or a minus next to each idea. The “miracle” is that I’ve never had a family not have at least one idea that is acceptable to all.

Step #5: Rank the ideas. Copy down in the bottom section of the form those ideas that everyone ranked as a plus. Then privately assign each of these ideas a number from 1 (an idea that is barely okay) to 10 (a rocking good idea). After everyone has completed their ratings add them up to see how the ideas rank. It’s important that you declare, up front, whether you are going to operate as a democracy (top idea(s) win) or a benevolent dictatorship (parent(s) to consider the rankings but reserve the right to decide).

Step #6: Develop your plan, which may include more than one of the solutions.

(Reviewing the completed example may help to clear up any confusion.)

Asian mom with kidsWhen I do this with families in my office, who are brand new to the technique, the average amount of time it takes to do the exercise is between 20-30 minutes, which most agree is way better than the drama.

Good luck folks! Oh, and I have much more on this and similar techniques in my parenting book Working Parents, Thriving Families: 10 Strategies that Make a Difference.

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A Baker’s Dozen Ideas for a Staycation

May 10, 13 2:38 AM

family in house clipartWho says we need to spend thousands of dollars to have a quality family vacation? Staying at home can not only be cheaper but it can also offer opportunities for creativity and bonding that many paid vacations would have a hard time emulating. Here are 13 ideas to get you started:

• Camp out. This can be in your yard or your family room. Cook marshmallows. Tell ghost stories (within reason). Do magic tricks (a bunch of tutorials are available online).

• Try geocaching. This activity involves using a handheld GPS to find hidden treasures. Just Google the term to learn about this universe around you.

• Order your dinner in all week.

• Sit outside and read for pleasure.

• Try a marathon or two: movies, board games, card games and so forth.

• Have a water gun war; you could even chose teams, make rules, assign points family charactersand award prizes. Augment with water balloons.

• Make your own movie. Write a plot (or improv it), have costumes, make up, direction, filming, and so forth. Invite family and/or neighbors to the premiere.

• Eat some meals in an unusual spot (e.g., the driveway, a safe spot on a flat section of roof); if at night, add candlelight.

• Devote a day to making and sampling the cuisine from a particular country. Stress those that none of you have ever tried and make sure to include deserts.

• Have your own cupcake wars. Invite a neighbor in to judge. Get a trophy that the winner can lord over everyone until next year’s contest.

happy hispanic family• Turn your house into a haunted mansion and invite neighbors and/or family to tour.

• Watch home movies.

• Create some crafts using family photos. Again, many ideas are available online.

As you live your staycation try to create one-on-one moments with each of your family members; these are the sorts of moments that will tend to matter the most over time.

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10 Tips for Surviving Your Kid’s Graduation

May 4, 13 7:10 AM

Your kid’s graduation, be it from high school or college, is a major family event. This entry includes my top 10 suggestions for getting the most out of the experience.

#1 Determine a figure that you plan on spending and stick to it unless you have a compelling reason to do otherwise. If there are other adults contributing it’s a good idea to partner with him, her or them in this decision. (If you don’t get along with the other person or persons arrange for a neutral party, that everyone trusts, to join the discussion.) It is so easy to spend an amount of money that is toxic for you, which is no favor to your graduate (i.e., in the months following the graduation she’ll benefit more from having a relationship with a well parent than from a stressed out parent). If your graduate gets pushy about celebrating his graduation in a way that exceeds your budget ask him what his plan is for coming up with the extra cash.

#2 Partner with your graduate in deciding how the money will be spent. For instance, your graduate may prioritize putting together a down payment on a car over having a party.

#3 Collaborate with your graduate on who will be invited to share in the celebration. You would want to have an important reason for overriding your graduate’s wishes along these lines.

#4 If you fund a party for your graduate’s friends make sure that it is chaperoned well enough to keep everyone safe and legal (e.g., not allowing underage drinking).

#5 Realize that celebrations hardly ever go off as planned. It is almost inevitable that one or more people, the weather, mechanical things, food or something else. will disappoint. Keep in mind that something like this is almost always bound to happen, that it is really only as hampering as you decides it needs to be and that what really matters is the graduation itself; such insights can keep a speed bump from causing a major crash.

#6 Include a present that has an emotional impact; this is the sort of gift that stands to keep on giving much longer than material presents. For instance, you might write a gratitude letter for your graduate (see my blog entry on this method), create a photo slideshow, with music, of your graduate from infancy up to the point of graduation, write a poem that expresses your thoughts and feelings about your graduate, and so forth. In getting in the mood for creating this gift imagine what it will feel like to watch your baby walk across that stage and take a diploma in hand.

#7 Assuming you are not hiring a professional for this purpose, ask a responsible friend or family member to do the picture taking and video recording. If you assign this task to yourself you will not only be in fewer of the images but you will be one step removed from taking part in the celebration.

#8 Respect the value of a good night’s sleep. While graduations are festive, they are also stressful. Stress plus a weary body can facilitate an assortment of unpleasant outcomes (e.g., irritability, compromised decision making, diminished concentration and impairing fatigue).

#9 Form a plan with your graduate, in advance, for how she will thank any who gave her presents or participated in the celebration (i.e., the method and the date by which it will be completed). This makes it less likely that you’ll be cast in the role of hound afterwards. (For less mature graduates you may need to form a contract stipulating that access to a privilege you provide–e.g., usage of a car–will only happen after the thank you cards are mailed.)

#10 Take at least a few moments to pat yourself on the back for all that you did to get your graduate to this place in life. Parenting is tough work that we all stink at it sometimes, but our efforts and intentions are selfless and beautiful and deserve to be recognized. In the instance of a graduation it is clear that your parenting was at least good enough to facilitate your kid successfully finishing a major educational hurdle. So, take an existential moment or two and enjoy that about yourself!

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College Trips with Your Teen

Apr 26, 13 9:18 PM

diverse happy woman on floorHaving a Junior or Senior in high school prompts a daunting enterprise: finding a college. If ever there was a project that can take all the time you have to give, and more, it’s this one. There are so, so many (too many?) sources of information available regarding tactics. So, I won’t be discussing those strategies. Instead, I’d like to focus on some relationship issues I’ve seen as folks plan college visits.

• Try to develop some scoring rubric in advance of your trip. Divide 100 points up among those factors that matter to you and your teen: cost, distance, academic reputation, college atmosphere, student to faculty ration, etc. Then, as you do your trip do your independent ratings, comparing them after the trip is over.

• Try to surrender the concept of one perfect, or just right school. There are about 1,400 four year colleges in the U.S. So, there are likely more “just right” schools than you could ever have time to visit or seriously consider.

• Schedule an official tour (these will often answer many of your questions). Thenconfused graduate character develop your list of questions that you’d like to see addressed during the tour. The better of these will likely hit all the high points (e.g., dorms, library, classrooms, gym, cafeteria, study abroad options, internships, student center) but, if not, ask.

• Consider this to be a unique bonding opportunity with you and your teen. Take occasion to do some sightseeing or to create some special moments and momentoes. Who knows how much one-on-one time is in your near future with your teen; so, this time (even the commute) can be precious.

woman overwhelmed by books• Always ask for your teens opinion before giving yours. When you disagree with some analysis your teen has rendered, offer empathy for it and try to use questions to make your points. For example, if your teen, upon seeing a work of art at the entrance to the library, notes “Ewww. I could never come to a school that has such terrible art in front of its library!” You could first give empathy for that visceral reaction, pause (and maybe listen more), then ask, “what percent of the average students week here do you think he or she spends looking at that?”

• Try to schedule a visit to see a lecture in a discipline that is of some interest to your teen. Many universities, with a couple of weeks notice, are happy to help with this. (Don’t worry if your teen doesn’t have a major picked out yet. That’s common.)

• Make sure to take your own tour of the department where your teen may have a major. Don’t hesitate to knock on any doors where you see a faculty member and ask if s/he has 5-10 minutes for questions. (Make sure to have some ready.) The worse thing that happens is that s/he doesn’t have the time. The best thing that happens is that a faculty member, where your child ends up going to school, starts to develop a positive connection with your child.

• Try to make the time to look around the community surrounding the campus, leadershipfiguring out what various practicalities might be at play. (Many campuses are self-contained in terms of the range of services and entertainment available but sometimes it will be nice to break out to the surrounding area.) This can also give you a sense for the range of internships that might be available.

• Set up a timeline for yourselves. Your teen’s guidance counselor, or the myriad of other resources available to assist (e.g., websites, e-books), can guide you about what should go on your timeline. This can help you to feel some sense of control over what can be an incredibly daunting prospect.

man stressing to pursue money• Begin having discussions with your teen about financing as soon as you can in the process: what you can do and what you can’t do, or what you’re prepared to do and what you’re not prepared to do. This can be an important factor in helping your teen to be realistic about which schools s/he seriously targets and reduce the odds that s/he will fall in love with a school that isn’t a possibility. (Your guidance counselor can help you to rough estimate what adjustment down from the sticker price your child might hope to get from the school given the strength of his or her application.)

 • Begin reflecting on your teen’s capacity to manage himself or herself at various institutions. Is Becky ready to be 8 hours away on an urban campus with 10,000 students? Is Jaden prepared to do well in a lecture hall with several hundred students? In other words: what’s the nature of this pond and how well or poorly might your progeny swim there?
• Lastly, try to be patient with the process. We parent-lunatics are at risk to black man walingover-worry, to over-control and to get freaked out at all of the uncertainty. Somehow, someway, somewhere, s/he will likely land at some institution of higher learning and avoid a life of crime and/or homelessness.
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To Err is to Parent

Apr 13, 13 8:45 AM

working momThis week I’ve had a lot of parental guilt crossing my path. So, I thought I’d encourage us all to reflect  on that and a few related issues. .

I believe that all of we engaged parents are crazy people, which is why I prefer the term parent-lunatic to parent. We love our kids SO, SO much that it hurts sometimes. We want only the best for them and often (and sometimes without thinking about it) hold ourselves 100% accountable for their happiness and success. But, inevitably we run into obstacles. Here are six common ones:

1. Research suggests that we are not sculptures of our kid’s personality but are shepherds. Much of who s/he is depends upon the spin of the genetic roulette wheel. This regards things like his or her temperament and vulnerability to physical and mental illnesses. (Temperament refers to biologically based personality attributes that, among other things, heavily influence our kid’s capacity to experience happiness.)

2. Research indicates that over 90% of kids will suffer from a diagnosable mental health problem by adulthood.

3. Secondary to inevitable statistical realities, our kids end up sucking at some important stuff. When they do it hurts them and us (I speculate us worse).teen rolling eyes

4. Getting into conflicts with us is an inevitable part of healthy trajectory to adulthood. Sometimes these conflicts can be sustained and quite wearisome (e.g., my 17 year-old refers to me as a “micromanager”…by the way, there is a t-shirt that we micromanagers can acquire. Just click here).

5. Other adults have a great deal of influence on our kid’s outcomes. And, like all humans, sometimes they do a poor job at it (e.g., I recently had the experience of having a group of teachers acknowledge that it wasn’t possible for kids to do three things in their high school:  a. do a quality job on homework, b. have one extracurricular activity and c. get the amount of sleep that science indicates a teen brain needs).

6. We screw up a ton, including those of us who have authored an award winning parenting book 😉 It is just the nature of being one of these human creatures.

If we embrace being over responsibility for our kid’s outcomes these are some of the results that can occur:

woman's face in hands• We feel excessive guilt and shame. (I say “excessive,” in that appropriately dosed guilt can be useful for correcting things that warrant such.) Excessive guilt leaves us taking responsibility for that which is outside our control and/or beating ourselves up to no good purpose. Certainly our kids are not served when we go toxic on ourselves.

• Denying our kid’s pain. Because we hurt so much when our kid hurts, it can be so easy to deny his or her pain. Indeed, our research suggests that we parents often miss the boat when it comes to recognizing our kid’s internalizing symptoms (e.g., depression and anxiety). Of course, denial interferes with forming helpful remedial plans (e.g., pursuing helpful mental health services).

• Not providing sufficient psychological space for our kids to experience failure. Like the previous point, this vulnerability is fueled by our crazy love for our kid. But because we hurt so much s/he fails, it’s so, so easy to either try to recast the failure as not being a failure (e.g., somebody cheated my kid) or to try to rush past the pain to Pollyannaish statements. The path to wise and helpful reassurances lies through the pain; trying to rush past it, or do an end run around it, dampens our ability to be helpful.

• Turning to our kid for reassurances to quell our parental guilt or insecurity. We can sometimes look to our kid to make statements that we hope can act as a healing ointment for our psychological wounds. However, doing so can put undue pressure on our kid and feel very uncomfortable and weird to him or her.

Here are seven (hopefully) helpful antidotes for excessive parental guilt or shame:

1. Do an hour a week of special time with each of your children that live with you. Click here for a free download on how to do this exercise, or read Chapter One in my book for a more complete account.

2. Meditate on your parenting successes: moments when you were selfless, working momtimes when you made an altruistic decision in service of your kid’s wellness, moments when you skillfully applied wisdom and insight to your kid’s benefit and so forth. Evaluate yourself as you would have your child evaluate his or her parental effectiveness in the future should s/he become a parent (that is after you enjoy images of your prospective grandchildren torturing your child).

3. Meditate on your kids’ successes: s/he got the well-deserved award or recognition, s/he got that important high grade, s/he carried the team to an important victory and so forth.

4. Credit yourself for being able and willing to have such a crazy love for another person. Is there a higher expression of our humanity than love? Is there a purer or truer form of love than that manifested by an engaged parent? Well then, kudos to you!

happy latino couple5. Share your insecurities or doubts with another kind, wise and experienced parent. That person may help you to get relief from irrational thoughts and give you a little air under your wings.

6. Review home movies or pictures. Gosh, we spend so much time and energy creating these suckers. We all do well to pause and actually enjoy them, preferably with our family.

7. If your kid is hurting in some sustained way, seek out the services of a lean-mean-healing machine. For a referral, click here.

In closing I’ll share that, to me, parenting, with all of it’s bumbling and stumbling, is living art and that you, when you do your best by your child, are a beauteous beauty. I hope you can give yourself that from time to time, even if you’re a micromanager like me 😉

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Popes, Gay Marriage & The Bible: Talking To Your Kid About Spirituality and Values

Mar 30, 13 9:23 AM

spiritual manBetween the new Pope, the Supreme Court case on gay marriage and attention being garnered by the TV series, The Bible, there is an abundance of media attention being given to stories that reflect on values and spirituality. This entry is meant to offer a few suggestions for engaging your child on these issues. (By the way, when I say “spirituality” I mean the entire spectrum, including atheism.)

• As is a theme in this blog, set aside regular time with your child to see if s/he has any thoughts or perspectives on any of these issues (s/he may not, especially if s/he is young, but it’s always good to check). Allow your child to say his or her piece first, providing doses of empathy, before sharing your perspective.

• Let your child know what your spirituality is, using the principle of selective truth telling, to guide the breath and depth of your coverage (i.e., you share more or less based on your child’s age and wellness; see this blog entry for an elaboration on that principle).

• Empower your child to see the definition of a personal spirituality and personal values as a life-long journey that often includes confusing and mysterious segments, and that doubt is often sprinkled along the way (e.g., Mother Teresa’s cheerful familydiary included expressions of doubt about God’s existence).

• Keep in mind that the active practice of a spirituality can be associated with many important psychological and health benefits. The research supporting this assertion is compelling. (See Chapter Four, on rituals, in my parenting book for a review.)

• Ask your child to always consider some guiding principles:

√ That which is loving should always be prioritized over that which is not.

√ All people deserve to have their spirituality and values respected, as long as they do not hurt others, no matter how much we may personally look at things differently.

child hand cuts out adult hand sky√ One group’s spirituality should not be codified into laws that infringe on the civil rights of another group.

√ Learning about other people’s spirituality and values can be a fascinating and enriching enterprise, no matter how much we may personally look at things differently. (For my blog entry on talking about diversity with kids, click here.)

√ Using a spiritual model to hurt people is always wrong.

√ Humility in the quest for truth can leave one open to developing a spirituality that is beautiful, wise, uplifting and meaningful.

In closing I’d like to thank my wife Lia for her help with this entry 😉

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Ten Tips for When Your Teen Says, “I hate you!”

Mar 2, 13 8:32 AM

angry male hand upI remember when my eldest was in preschool and the delight we both took in being reunited at the end of each day. At the time I shared my bliss with a graduate student. This student, who had two teenagers, responded with “yeah, but wait ‘till she’s a teen.” I remember feeling nonplussed by that remark. While the available science and my clinical experience were both consistent with my grad student’s remark, I thought this would not happen to me…not only has it happened multiple times, but it has happened with both of my teenagers. And, my third child will hit adolescence in a few months, leaving me looking at want adds for oil rig work in the North Atlantic.

So, my fellow parent-lunatic, here are the things I try to do, at least when I’m acting with intention, when one of my teen says some version of “I hate you!”

Tip #1: Reflect on the resilience formula: crisis = pain + opportunity. You’re crisis opportunityfeeling the pain. Now, where is the opportunity? (My own experience is that the dosing of opportunity is usually higher than the dosing of the pain.)

Tip #2: Take a deep breath and keep things in perspective. This is a normative experience. (Those of you who have raised a teenager, and have not experienced this, should probably keep that to yourself, lest the rest of us kick you off the island!) Your teen’s brain is still developing, especially in regards to those parts that will end up defining his or her most mature self. Moreover, sometimes you hear this because you’re doing right by your teen (e.g., doing effective monitoring) and s/he will be grateful later (probably not until after your dead though).

Tip #3: Realize that yours and your teen’s experience of the conflict may be different. Research suggests that these sorts of conflicts bother we parent-lunatics more than they bother our kids. Ever have your teen go off on you and then act like zero happened a few hours later, or the next day? Our teens often look upon these conflicts as being less significant than we do.

Tip #4: Spend at least one hour a week each week doing special time. I’ve written extensively about this within this blwork-life balanceg and my parenting book. This is my top resilience promoting parenting strategy.

Tip #5: Use other wise parents as a sounding board. The three criteria I use for my sounding boards are: (a) the person is experienced and knowledgeable about the problem or issues at hand, (b) the person is willing to disagree with me and (c) the person feels kindly towards me. This discussion can help you to find your perspective and feel more confident about moving forward with your teen. Of course, if you can partner with your spouse all the better (my wife is my go-to gut check person in these instances).

Tip #6: Be selective about your psychological autopsies (i.e., following up later teen rolling eyeson what was said). A simple “I hate you!” Or, “you suck as a parent!” followed by the classic storm off and door slam, may not be worth following up on. Sometimes the gift we give our teen is allowing him or her to blow off steam without it ending up being a thing.

Tip #7: Wait until everyone’s brain is back online before doing a psychological autopsy. Sometimes your teen might say some things in the middle of one of these rants that is very hurtful or which gives you information you believe you need to follow up on. In these instances wait until you’re both calm and rested in order to proceed. This allows for everyone to have all IQ points on deck for what could be a difficult discussion.

Tip #8: When doing a psychological autopsy get your teen’s perspective first, and offer empathy (which can be done even when you disagree); stay there until your teen is vetted, unless you find yourself getting too upset (in which case you may want to stop and come back later). This can be gruelingly difficult to do, but not only will you be modeling an effective communication style, but you will be helping your teen to be more open to your perspective when it’s your turn to share.

child helpmeTip #9: Make sure this isn’t part of a larger problem. Is your teen making similar statements to teachers? Is your teen struggling in his/her social life? Are academics not going well? Does your teen routinely struggle when s/he is asked to do things s/he doesn’t feel like doing?  Is your teen’s mood often disturbed? Does your teen struggle in his/her extracurricular life? Are any of your teen’s regulatory habits disturbed (e.g., sleep)? If the answer to one or more of these questions is  “yes,” then the “I hate you” remarks may be a cry for help.

Tip #10 (readers of this blog can see this one coming a mile away): Err on the side of getting help sooner rather than later. Psychological problems are akin to medical problems in so many ways: they are nearly universal by the time a kid reaches adulthood (about 90%), most of the time they are treatable in a short period of time, they are easier to treat the earlier they are caught and, if they are left unchecked, can cause very stressful and costly consequences. However, unlike medical problems, only about 20% of youth who need evidence-based mental health care get it. Want to be among those parents who don’t make this error of omission? Just click here to get the ball rolling.

So, go forth in peace my fellow parent-lunatic. And, if you can remember exactly why we all signed up for this, would you email me? I’ve forgotten 😉

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