To Fathers: A Caution about Surrendering Too Much Child Care

Feb 21, 14 1:44 PM

dad with son on shoulderThe research makes it clear that kids who have an effective relationship with both of their birth parents fare better. This isn’t to say that kids of single parents, or other situations, are doomed. It is to say that effective parenting, in two parent households, is an advantage for kids.

However, what I see happening often is that dad focuses on earning money, taking care of the home and vehicles, and maybe even managing the family’s finances while the mom does the yeoman’s share of the childcare and housework. In dad’s mind, he’s pitching in evenly. And, in terms of overall effort he may be correct. However, by excessively relegating feeding, bathing, supervising homework and other parenting tasks to mom, he may be losing opportunities to bond with his children, and to be as close to them as their mother as they age. The eight tips below are designed for dad’s who may be falling prey to this vulnerability:

• Have a discussion with your partner about what childcare tasks can be either exclusively or primarily yours. Your partner may tell you it’s okay as s/he recognizes that you work hard in other ways. But, lovingly insist, maybe sending her the link to this blog entry.

• Be sure to participate actively in daily (e.g., a family meal), weekly (e.g., family charactersreligious services), seasonal (e.g., your kid’s soccer games) and special occasion (e.g., birthdays) family rituals. Work may call out for you to miss many of these, and you may be tempted to tell yourself that there is always tomorrow, but try to realize that our cumulative walk communicates more about how we prioritize than our cumulative talk. Ask yourself, “when I’m on my deathbed, thinking back about my life, what decision would I have wanted to made in this situation?” No one bats a 1.000 in these matters, but we can achieve a respectable average if we make our decisions with intention.

• And now for today’s broken record point (at least for those who read this blog regularly): do special time with each of your children each week.

• Video tape some of these childcare moments with your children. This is like minting money, except you’re minting a precious historical record.

family stress• Don’t punish yourself too much if you’re grouchy or don’t do it well or otherwise screw up. That’s built in. Like a good baseball player who has struck out, spend a few moments thinking about how to improve your game, plan to do so next time and then let yourself off the hook. Being in the game, with good effort, counts a ton and makes a male a man.

• Don’t expect but offer gratitude. Your partner and your children are likely to take your efforts for granted; that’s just the way it is in family life. If you get too upset by this you may fall prey to anger and resentment. If you’re a spiritual person, tapping into your prayer life can be helpful (e.g., what would a loving God have you do?). It can also be helpful to avoid taking your family members for granted and offering them the gratitude they deserve (but be careful to not do it with the expectation of a return). If you need to vent about being taken for granted, do so with your boys (see below) or when your by yourself (I tend to chuckle when I see a man talking to himself, and apparently upset, when driving. I imagine that he is a likewise married/committed, working dad).

• Promote self and relationship care. In my parenting book, I focus on the 10 parenting practices that, IMHO, our science suggests promotes resilience in children. One of the chapters pertains to this practice. It is so important to be well, as parenting from the cross is a poor strategy. I know and live how hard this is (e.g., consistently getting some time with your friends and a date night with your partner takes tremendous commitment, creativity and persistence), but who said parenting is easy?!

• Compare notes with other dads. One of the projects I sometimes envision is father son showing musclesforming a support group for working, married/committed dads with children living at home—it’s remarkable to me how positive and passionate the responses are when I suggest this to other dads. It’s very, very tough to pull off this role well. And, we often find ourselves in double binds. So, just leaning on your boys by comparing notes–as long as you don’t pitch your tent on the dark side–can be therapeutic.

I hope this helps my brothers. Keep up the good work!

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Regarding Stress and Stress Coping: Adults and Teens Look A Lot Alike

Feb 15, 14 4:23 PM

teen girl pushing hand to headThe American Psychological Association’s Stress in America survey came out this week. Since 2007, APA has conducted a national survey of the stress American’s experience. This year’s survey places a special focus on teenagers. The full report can be found here. Below are some key assertions and the data points within the survey that support them.

Like adults, teens feel overwhelmed by stress

• On a 10-point scale, teens report that ≤ 3.9 is a healthy amount of stress. However, they rate their stress to be a 5.8 during the school year and a 4.6 during the summer.

• The following is true of 1 out of 3 teens: they report that their stress has increased in the past year, they expect their stress will increase in the next year and they feel overwhelmed.

• Teens reported that one out of four of them feel stress at the highest levels (an 8, 9 or a 10 on the 10 point scale) during the school year.

• Adults report that ≤ 3.6, on the same 10-point scale, represents a healthy level of stress. However, they report their stress averages a 5.1. Moreover, 37% of adults report feeling overwhelmed in the past month, 1 out of 3 believe that stress is having a strong impact on their physical and mental health and 84% report that their stress stayed the same or increased in the past year.

Teens worry about the same sorts of things as adultscharacter burdoned by books

Both teens and adults report worrying the most about their vocational lives and financial matters. For example, these are the top stresses reported by teens: high school (83%), life after high school (69%), and their family having enough money (65%). For adults the top three stresses are money (71%), work (69%) and the economy (59%). (By the way, the fourth rated stress among teens is balancing their time, at 59%)

Teens experience similar symptoms of stress as adults

• Only 41% of teens report that they handle stress well, compared to 35% of adults.

• The top symptoms teens report experiencing secondary to stress are irritability (40%), anxiety (36%), fatigue (36%) and insomnia (35%). This is very similar to the profile reported by adults: irritability (41%), lack of energy or motivation (39%), anxiety (37%) and feeling overwhelmed (37%). (It’s also telling that 51% percent of teens report that someone tells them they seem stressed on at least a monthly basis.)

Teens commonly use the same poor coping strategies as adults

teen video game playing•The following are some of the top strategies for responding to stress that are traditionally ill advised, at least if used as a lead strategy: playing video games (46%), going online (43%), and watching TV or movies (36%).

• Teens report some behavioral responses to stress that also increase the risk of poor stress coping: eating unhealthy foods (26%), skipping meals (23%) and neglecting school (21%). Moreover, half of teens who report being under high levels of stress indicate that they don’t get enough sleep.

Tell me how teens’ potentially maladaptive responses to stress compare to adults’ (i.e., what follows in the next four lines are adult numbers):

√ 62% use screen time to manage stress (42% watch ≥ 2 hours a day of TV)

√ 17% exercise daily; 39% skipped physical activity because of stress

√ 38% have overeaten to manage stress; 30% skipped a meal because of stress

√ average 6.7 hours sleep/night; 20% report that their sleep is sound

• Moreover, these trends seem to be even more true among parents. That is parents, as compared to non-parents, report higher rates of eating unhealthy foods due to stress and sleep disturbance.

Stress management strategies work!

• Teens who are physically active report lower levels of stress (i.e., those who soccer character, coolexercise ≥ 1/week report at average stress level of 4.4–on the 10 point scale mentioned above– compared to 5.1 for those who don’t engage in that much physical activity).

• Teens whose body size is within expected ranges report lower levels of stress (i.e., those with a BMI of 18-24 report a 4.4 stress level, while those with a BMI ≥ 25 report a 5.2.).

• Teens who get healthier doses of sleep report lower levels of stress (i.e., those who sleep ≥ 8 hours a night report being at a 5.2 while those who sleep less indicate they are at a 6.5).

• Teens who report higher stress levels also report engaging in more sedentary behaviors than those who report lower levels of stress (e.g., 54% versus 24% surf the net to manage stress).

Take home messages

I have three take home messages this week:

missing puzzle piece#1: Parenting from the cross sucks. When our kids show needs (and when don’t they?), we tend to act like we have none; over time, this reeks havoc on us and them. (This is why self and relationship care is one of the 10 science-based parenting strategies I stress in my parenting book).

#2: There are plenty of things we parent-lunatics can do to promote stress management in our teens. For my top nine, see the blog entry I guest wrote on APA’s blog.

#3: Why suffer needlessly? Let’s treat ours and our kid’s mental health as we do ours and our kids’ dental health whenever there is a complication: see a pro. For a list of referral databases, click here.

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Disciplining a College Student Who Comes Home

Jan 31, 14 12:10 PM

attractive college student sittingA reader suggested this topic (I love such requests). Before I get to some suggestions, let me say that I’m basing this column exclusively on my clinical experience and intuition. With that caveat in mind, here are 10 suggestions to consider in regards to disciplining your college student who has come home for a visit.

  1. Figure out what is not okay with you and let your college student know about that before he or she arrives home (e.g., having a love interest share his or her bedroom, anything that’s illegal).
  2. With the exception of matters reviewed in the previous tip, try to not legislate behaviors that you can’t legislate while your college student is away (e.g., how much s/he studies, whether or not s/he goes to religious services, how much exercise s/he gets, what s/he eats). At this point in the game it’s unlikely your efforts will influence your college student’s attitude or behaviors very much; it’s more likely that you’ll create tension between you. Plus, I bet your college student would score high on a multiple-choice test regarding your attitudes on such topics.
  3. If you have to make points that might not be welcomed, try to do so by asking questions instead of making statements. For example, “I know you said you haven’t been doing well in math. What do you think the pros and cons would be of going to talk to the professor during office hours?”
  4. Try not to get your feelings hurt when your college student prioritizes 2 happy teens, african-americanhanging out with friends over spending time with you. It’s normative for him or her to want to do that. (If you have some special event you want him or her to attend, provide as much advance notice as possible.)
  5. When you are communicating focus on listening, providing empathy and offering specific and proportionate positive feedback. S/he may act like this doesn’t matter, but it usually matters a lot.
  6. Ask for your college student’s advice and opinions and be open to his or her wisdom.
  7. lesbian couple27. Let your young adult know that you’re available to talk about anything and that you don’t plan to be intrusive or nosy.
  8. 8. This goes for year round: take advantage of texting. Your college student may be more use to communicating through this method than others. Many parents of teens and young adults report that their progeny seem more open when texting than when communicating through other venues.
  9. The only reasonable punishments you probably have available to you involve not allowing access to those luxuries, services or resources that you provide (e.g., your car, the cell phone plan you pay for, a stipend you provide). If you believe your teen is at risk for violating the primary rules you’ve established in #1 above, let him or her know that access to such and so is contingent upon his or her compliance with this or that (e.g., access to your vehicle during week #2 is contingent upon using it responsibly during week #1). It’s important to establish this up front with a young adult (i.e., imagine how you’d want to be treated, and not treated, by a boss).
  10. If conflict between you and your adult child has become a regular part mom and kidof your relationship (e.g., s/he is squandering tuition monies by dialing it in at school), use the time at home to schedule a consultation with a skilled family therapist. For a referral click here.

In closing I’ll share links to two related blog entries: strategies for when your adult child moves back in with you and an entry on helping college students to get the most out of the academic experience at college.

Good luck!

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10 Important Considerations When Disciplining a Teen

Jan 26, 14 12:07 AM

angry male hand upThe first thing to keep in mind about this topic is that all of us who parent teens (and I parent 3.0 of them as I type this) get confused and feel unsure about how to respond to certain situations that arise. Everything about our teens, at least if they are mentally healthy, screams “independence!” And, we want for them to learn to be independent. However, we also want them to be safe, to relate well to others and to be strong in their ability to do important things when they don’t feel like it. So, this is complicated stuff. For this reason we all do well to not bully ourselves for our inevitable confusion and mistakes. That said, here are 10 considerations to keep in mind.

  1. The etymology of the word “discipline” is to teach, not to kick butt. Effective discipline means that your intention is not to be punitive or to vent. Your intention is to increase your teen’s success and effectiveness.
  2. Discipline works best when it is proactive instead of reactive. You do well to think ahead and try to rework situations so that your teen’s risk of showing defiance is lessened.
  3. Spending an hour a week doing special time with your teen will be a teenandmomhuge support to your discipline plan.
  4. Without surrendering your ultimate authority, try to collaborate with your teen about his or her responsibilities as well as what pleasures you’ll provide (e.g., a cell phone, video games).
  5. Try to give your teen advance notice of what chores you expect to be completed when. It’s also a good idea to find that middle ground between having no chores and having a number of chores that interfere with more important agenda (e.g., getting enough sleep and physical activity, doing well in school and doing well with potentially impactful extracurricular commitments).
  6. Ensure that your teen is investing an adequate amount of time on homework each school night. As a rough guide for a floor commitment, multiple 10 minutes times the grade s/he’s in (e.g., 100 minutes for a teen in 10th grade). I would insist on this floor even if your teen gets good grades doing less; the reason for this is so that your teen develops the skill set of doing academic work when s/he doesn’t feel like it. While this skill set may not be needed now, it will be needed when the difficulty level of his or her course of study catches up with his or her IQ.
  7. resistant motherMake sure you have a good monitoring plan. This includes explicitly establishing that sex and substance use are not okay. See my blog article on this topic for more.
  8. If your teen gives you a hard time about chores or academic work, consider setting up a contract: doing “x” (e.g., homework without a hassle) earns your teen “y” (e.g., access to a cell phone); moreover, doing everything expected in a given day earns your teen a set amount of money towards a weekly allowance. This way your teen either earns or doesn’t earn pleasures that are important to him or her, placing more responsibility on his or her shoulders and less on yours.
  9. If your teen defies you, or commits a significant infraction, use grounding. Grounding means that s/he cannot use the pleasures you provide (e.g., cell phone, TV), or leave the house for pleasure, for some period of time between two hours and two days. The length of the grounding would normally depend upon the seriousness of the infraction. Also, make sure your articulate what kinds of circumstances will cause a grounding in advance. This website sells gear that can help you enforce restrictions on electronic devices.
  10. If these strategies don’t work, or your teen does something serious therapy with teen(e.g., arrested for DUI), consider seeking out the services of a child psychologist. To access data bases of child mental health professionals, click here.
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A Super Discipline Strategy: Time Out

Jan 17, 14 6:01 PM

timeoutTime out can be a wonderful discipline strategy for children 12 and under. I’ll first review two context issues, describe the procedure and end with four caveats.

Context

Time out works best when it is employed in a loving home where kids are getting regular doses of quality and special time. Research makes it clear that the most effective parenting style is both warm and firm; so, it’s not enough to be just firm or just warm, a mixture of the two is best. Also, the etymology of the word “discipline” is “to teach” not “to kick ass.”

There are two paths for your child to land in time out. The first one is to refuse your directive (e.g., to do a chore). The second is to do something inappropriate that is worthy of a punishment. In the first instance, time out should be implemented if your child does not comply by the third command; at the point of the second command sound tense and issue a warning that time out will follow if your child doesn’t comply. (Try to leave only five seconds in between commands to lessen your chance of getting angry and losing IQ points.) The second instance happens as soon as you witness your child doing the inappropriate behavior.

Method

Your child should sit in the time out chair for one minute per year that s/he has upset boy2lived outside the womb. This time guideline should not be shared with your child, nor is it usually advisable to display a timer for him or her. Time out is punishment and it is more punishing if your child does not know how long it will last (i.e., the real intervention is the threat of time out at the second command, so this should be an unpleasant experience that is worth avoiding, from your child’s perspective anyway).

The time out location should be something akin to a dining room chair that is moved away from entertainment centers or things that can be kicked or grabbed.

Your child should be ignored while in time out (i.e., no one should speak to your child while s/he is in the time out chair, especially siblings).

Once the minimum sentence has elapsed check and see if two conditions have been met: your child is sitting quietly and your child is either willing to comply with the original command or is willing to offer a sincere apology for the infraction that landed him or her in time out. If one of those conditions has not been satisfied then just walk away and start a new minimum sentence (e.g., another five minutes for a five year old); in this instance, you would usually not indicate to your child that his or her time out has been extened.

asian daughter kissing momIf your child is in time out for an infraction against someone else, arrange for him or her to make reparation later. That is, once time out has been finished, and everyone is calmed down, it’s a good idea to do a psychological autopsy of what happened. The goal would be to get your child to suggest a plan of reparation (e.g., using his own allowance to replace the magazine he ripped up). However, you may offer the plan if your child can’t or won’t cooperate. This is done more for the sake of your child’s character development than it is for the sake of the aggrieved.

If your child gets out of the time out chair, then physical restraint may be in order. The method is you (but only if you’re calm) sit behind the time out chair and cross your child’s arms on his or her chest, holding him or her by both wrists and using only the amount of pressure needed to keep him or her in place. The time out minimum sentence starts once you can leave without your child leaving the chair. (There are other methods that can be used in these instances but see my parenting book or a child psychologist for those.)

Caveats

I would avoid sounding like you’re apologizing after time out is finished.bored kids

I would avoid praising or encouraging your child after time out is over. S/he did the crime, paid the time and now everyone gets back to normal without any parades. However, the next time your child handles the same sort of a situation better (e.g., s/he got into time out for refusing to pick up toys but then picks up his or her toys well the next day), I might give a little bit of extra, but proportionate, positive attention to that moment.

There are several important aspects of time out that I’m not covering here as this is merely a blog (e.g., how to communicate to your child about it, the rationale for each step). However, I’ve covered these matters in Chapter Five of my parenting book or your local friend child psychologist can likely give you what you need.

therapyIf you have a regular call to do time out, I would think of that as a symptom. And, like any persisting symptom, I’d err on the side of having it evaluated sooner rather than later. For a referral click here.

Good luck! (Next week I’ll review punishment strategies for teens.)

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Disrespect vs. Expressing Anger

Jan 10, 14 12:16 PM

angry kidThe title of this entry is an issue that comes up a lot in my practice, especially in regards to parents dealing with their first-born children. I speculate that it comes up more for this group because parents of first-borns may not have had the chance to think through the nuances of these issues, the stances they wish to take and the procedures they wish to employ. (Doesn’t it seem that by the time we have this stuff all figured out our children are leaving home?) When parents introduce this issue it usually isn’t with a question wondering about the difference between healthy expressions of anger and disrespect. It’s usually introduced with the declaration “he’s being so disrespectful!” However, when I ask for examples I’m struck by the fact that this discussion often becomes about helping a parent to differentiate between adaptive and dysfunctional expressions of anger and how to help his or her child learn to express his or her anger adaptively. So, I’d like to explain what’s at stake, give some examples of each type of expression of anger and suggest how to respond.

All the time I work with adults who consciously or unconsciously believe that expressing anger is dangerous. People won’t like them. People they care for will end up hurt. People will retaliate. Or, people will abandon them. While there are many factors that play into this besides how the person’s parents responded to his or her anger as child (e.g., cultural pressures on females to not express anger, being stuck in childlike and magical misperceptions of about one’s power), how we parents respond to our kids’ expressions of anger is part of the equation, as is how we model our own expressions of anger. None of us want to communicate to our children that expressing anger, in appropriate ways, is wrong or dangerous, at least not within our households. If we communicate, very frustrated young girl on top of chairintentionally or not, that expressions of anger ore not okay we risk increasing poor outcomes for our kids (e.g., depression, intermittent explosions, passive-aggressiveness, substance abuse). So, let me give some examples of what I would argue are okay versus not okay expressions of anger, keeping in mind that contexts can always move a particular example to the other list.

Ten examples of (usually) okay expressions of anger:

• “I hate school!”

• “Why are you so mean?!”

• “My life sucks!”

• Stomping off in anger

• Slamming a door that doesn’t break anything

• “You’re a terrible mother/father!”

• “None of my friends have a parent like you!”

• “My teachers suck!”

• “I hope you die!”

• “I hate you!”

Ten examples of (usually) not okay expressions of anger:

• “You’re a (curse word)!”family stress

• Any use of the F-word, and it’s derivatives

• Flipping the bird

• Hitting someone (not in self-defense)

• Damaging property

• Throwing things (most of the time, though sometimes this can be harmless)

• Declarations suggesting you put your mouth on some part of your child’s body

• Sexually related gestures or comments

• Blocking you from going where you wish to go

• Misusing resources (e.g., throwing away that left over pasta you were looking forward to eating)

time outIn the former category I’d mostly just not respond, and try to create some separation, as you’re not likely to be able to sustain a productive exchange anyway (i.e., your child is suffering from transient brain dysfunction as we all lose IQ points when we get angry). However, I would usually go back later, when both you and your child are calm, and do a psychological autopsy regarding the underlying issues, with an eye towards providing some relief or resolution.

In the latter category I’d use time out for kids ≤ age 12 (there can be exceptions for older but less mature teens and younger but more mature youth) and removal of privileges or grounding for teens. In upcoming blog entries I’ll describe methodologies for these punishment procedures. (You can also see Chapter Five of my parenting book and find related and relevant content in my entry on “Six tips for when you lose it with your kids.”) In closing please also keep in mind that a regular occurrence of these kinds of problems may be signalling that working with a qualified psychologist or mental health professional could be very helpful; for a referral, click here.

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“States Are Saying Pot is Okay, So Leave Me Alone About It!”

Jan 4, 14 5:23 PM

war with teenLast month the National Institutes of Health released results of a large national survey indicating that 6.5% of high school students report smoking marijuana daily. Moreover, nearly one out of four seniors report having smoked it in the past month, with only 39.5% of them viewing regular marijuana use as being harmful. These survey data match my clinical experience: more and more teens seem to be arguing that pot usage is harmless as states have begun to legalize it’s use. This blog entry is for parents who wish to have some counterarguments at the ready.

• No state that has legalized marijuana use for adults has done so for minors. Teens who smoke pot risk facing legal consequences in every state. For instance, in Pennsylvania, where I live, teens caught with marijuana are at risk to loose their driver’s license, among other consequences.

• What’s legal ≠ what’s healthy. It’s legal to eat a 24/7 diet of ice cream. No one in law enforcement will try to stop someone from doing that. However, does anyone believe that that’s advisable?

• What’s legal ≠ what’s moral. It’s legal for consenting adults to have sex with as "not okay"many of their neighbors as they’d like, regardless of marital status or other competing commitments. One doesn’t get arrested for that or for many other kinds of immoral activity.

• To say that pot smoking is advisable for an otherwise healthy adult is a scientifically dubious claim. Concerns about an increase risk of lung cancer, drops in motivation and concentration and the development of other symptoms are each germane.

• Human brains continue to develop into early to mid twenties. And, the part of the brain that develops last is responsible for the most sophisticated and higher order brain functions. I know of no reputable scientist or clinician who would argue that it is advisable to introduce any psychoactive agent into a developing brain unless there is a compelling and well thought out need to treat a well diagnosed condition. Teen life is challenging and complex enough without adding such a wildcard.

• There is evidence that people with genetic predispositions to certain disorders can have them activated by significant marijuana abuse (e.g., schizophrenia).

Teen girlReaders of this blog, or my parenting book, know that monitoring is one of the most important resilience promoting activities that a parent can offer (e.g., entering the search term “monitor” in this blog or see Chapter Three of my book). In summation, we want to know: whom s/he is with, what they are doing and what responsible adult is in charge of making sure that the teens are safe, even if that is from a distance. In most instances, our firm and uncompromising stance is that sexual intercourse and substance use are not okay.

In my clinical experience synergy of one of two types is going on in most households where teens reside. The more resilience factors are in play the more that synergy is positive and the less the teen is pulled towards risky behaviors (e.g., there is positive one-on-one time each week between each parent and each teen, adaptive rituals are done regularly, a teen knows his or her areas of competence and has regular access to such, discipline is effective). The more resilience factors are not in play, the more the opposite is often the case.

Let me close with a bottom line regarding marijuana use among teens: parents therapy with teenshould not allow teens to smoke pot. (If you’d like a tight review of the relevant science, click here or here.) If your teen is putting up a significant fight along these lines, and maybe winning some of the battles, then I would highly recommend that you seek out the services of a qualified mental health professional. For a referral, click here.

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Affluenza?! Phuleeze!!

Dec 13, 13 9:06 PM

frustrated man2This weekend a news story broke about a teen who was stated to be suffering from “affluenza.” The teenager reportedly got drunk, got behind the wheel of a car and killed four people. A psychologist reportedly then used the term “affluenza” to describe a condition from which the teen is suffering. “Affluenza” was indicated to have to do with things like not being made to experience consequences, having parents who don’t discipline sufficiently, and who resist the discipline efforts of others, and, in some cases, living with affluence. This condition was reported to have been used as a mitigating variable for determining the outcome of the teenager in court.

I’m not writing this blog to comment on the legal issues or what might constitute justice in this case, as those questions are outside the purview of my discipline. I am writing for two purposes: First, I wish to eschew mental health professionals making up their own terms and using them this way. Second, I wish to remark on the true psychological factors that sometimes can come into play in cases like this.

“Affluenza” is not only not an official diagnosis in either of the primary psychiatricquakery vs science diagnostic systems in the world (the DSM and the ICD systems), but it isn’t even a condition under investigation by researchers. In this context the term was justified by the psychologist, in an online interview, based on his “30 plus years of experience.” So, is that the criteria we use? Once a mental health professional gets enough years under his or her belt s/he can just start making up conditions and using them to mitigate legal consequences? How many years of experience before it’s okay to do that? What if someone with more years of experience disagrees? As someone who devotes his career to bringing quality mental health science to the public, and who finds that the public is confused enough already about real conditions, I find such behavior, if true, to be reprehensible. I don’t know more about the specifics of this case than what I saw and read reported on CNN.com. But, if it’s true that a psychologist, acting in his capacity as an expert witness, used this term, and the use of that term affected the outcome of the case, then I hope it will also be true that the licensing board(s) in any state(s) where that psychologist is licensed will ask him to explain himself.

character lots of booksI don’t pretend to understand the nuances of this particular case. Hardly. But, I can speak generally about the factors that can sometimes facilitate a teen acting in this manner. There are often at least two primary factors in play:

• #1: Poor monitoring. As readers of this blog, and my parenting book, know the research correlating an absence of effective monitoring and risky behaviors among teenagers is compelling. Moreover, unmonitored teens tend to associate with other unmonitored teens; this can then create a risk taking and destructive synergy.

#2: Poor discipline. Again, I’ve written a lot about this. Discipline does not equal butt kicking. The etymology of the word is “to teach.” Effective discipline involves growing a kid’s capacity to do things when s/he doesn’t feel like it by using education, warmth and firmness. It also involves allowing youth, in most circumstances, to experience the consequences of their choices.

Tolstoy said it well “Happy families are all alike. Every unhappy family is unhappy black baby in parents handsin it’s own way.” Resilient kids and effective households not only employ effective monitoring and discipline, but they also:

• Do things to promote closeness between each parent and each child (e.g., special time).

• Engage in adaptive and regular rituals.

• Discover and promote each youth’s competencies.

• Collaborate effectively with other adults charged with important functions in each youth’s life.

dad with son on shoulder• Maintain good self and relationship care among the parents.

• Maintain good health habits (sleep, diet and physical activity).

• Promote adaptive thinking and independence in each youth.

• Get effective and appropriate help whenever a youth is showing signs of struggling.

These 10 strategies, which are a central them of this blog and my parenting book, operate as a science-based foundation for promoting resilience in kids. The more they are present in a family the lower there is the risk of symptom and dysfunction in youth. The more they are absent the more the soil becomes fertile for stories like we are reading and viewing this weekend on CNN.

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Tips for Sleepovers

Dec 5, 13 1:41 PM

girls happy 3I must confess that my knowledge base for this topic comes more from my parenting experiences than my knowledge as a psychologist, though the latter informs these guidelines. Here are some tips, baptized by fire in the Palmiter household, for when one of your kids requests a sleepover.

In your home

• Reach agreements (for older kids), or lay down the rules (for younger kids, though this can have a collaborative air about it) before time about any guidelines/rules regarding bedtime, diet and activities. There is something about sleepovers that often leaves kids with the expectation that they can go all Lord of the Flies on you, staying up until they pass out, eating a steady diet of junk and watching any ole movie.

• Agree with the other parent(s) regarding the start and pick up times.

• Agree with the other parent(s) if you plan to do something outside of the home. character holding question markIn my experience the hosting family usually pays the way for any guest children, unless the guest child’s parents offer (even then, my wife and I will usually decline that) or other arrangements have been explicitly agreed to. If you have a more expensive event you’d like to go to (e.g., a broad way show), and you prefer to have the guest child’s parents fund all or part of it, reach an agreement about that with the other parent(s) as a part of the conditions of the sleepover.

• I’ve never had it happen, but if a guest child starts acting up, and doesn’t adhere to verbal re-directions, ask if s/he would prefer to have his/her parents intercede. If that doesn’t quell the drama, call the other parents and ask how s/he would like to handle the situation.

• Sometimes very anxious or younger children might ask to have their parent(s) pick them up before everyone goes to sleep. Upon receiving such a request call the other parent(s) and ask how s/he would prefer to handle the situation.

quizacal look• Stick to the age guidelines for any media ratings and err on the side of believing that the other parent(s) are very conservative in what they allow their child to view.

At the other child’s home

• I wouldn’t agree to a sleepover at another residence unless you have confidence that the adult(s) in the other home is/are responsible about monitoring and other basics (e.g., not abusing substances). Much of this information can be gleaned while interacting on the sidelines of extracurricular events and by the growing experiences you have with the family. If in doubt, I’d think three times before allowing the sleepover, regardless of the age of your child.

• Find out what the drop off and pick up times are and stick to those.

• If there are activities going on outside the home, offer to pay for your child; boy dancing they’ll probably insist that they pay but at least you’ve been polite.

• For younger children, ask something like this of the other parent(s) at the point of the initial discussion: “Rhonda, we tend to be fairly strict about sticking to the age guidelines of any movies or video games our kids play. Is that okay with you, as we don’t want to seem intrusive?” Sometimes parents worry that they will cause offense by asking this. But, imagine you were on the receiving end of such a question? Would that offend you, or just make you respect the other parent(s)? Right, most parents tend to report the latter.

• For teens: ensure that there is sufficient adult monitoring to rule out substance use and sexual activity.

A few general remarks

Just based on my personal experience (i.e., I’ve not seen any research on this), girls tend to do more sleepovers than boys, especially as they age. If you have a girl, and she isn’t getting invited to these, I’d want to rule out that she isn’t having problems in her social world (I’ll blog on this topic in the near future).

frustrated girl• If your child is at risk to wet the bed or embarrass himself or herself in some other important way, I’d treat that problem first before putting him or her in a situation that could risk significant embarrassment.

You may want to develop guidelines on how often you’ll allow sleepovers if one of your children is a social butterfly. My youngest is like this (i.e., she’d have two a week if we allowed it) so my wife and I have developed these rough guidelines:

√ Will the sleepover unduly interfere with planned family or sibling’s activities?

√ Are the sleepovers starting to interfere with some other important domain (e.g., a child who is sleepy the next day and so unavailable to engage with the family, a child who isn’t doing a quality job with weekend academic or extracurricular responsibilities)?

√ Are the sleepovers interfering with adult self-care (e.g., a date night, a night of poker)?

√ Are the sleepovers becoming a significant financial drain?

If the answers to all these questions is a “no,” and the above conditions for the sleepover have been met, perhaps the frequency of them is something to celebrate, regardless of how often they occur. (Please, no one show this post to my youngest daughter 😉

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Holiday Joy on the Cheap

Nov 30, 13 8:58 AM

How has it become that the holidays are associated with expenses that exceed our resources? While doses of that may be inevitable, I want to focus on an alternative perspective.

The first thing we all do well to remember is that money and material things have little to do with making people happy, at least once basic needs have been met (e.g., clothing, housing, medical care, food and transportation). For instance, people who win large lotteries usually return to their previous level of happiness six months to one year later. Moreover, material possessions often tax us, as they need to be maintained, insured or otherwise cared for. Moreover, most things that can be wrapped lose their fascination quickly,. What truly promotes happiness are things like loving relationships and engaging activities, neither of which requires a lot of money. So, in the spirit of the 12 Days of Christmas let me suggest a dozen such possibilities:

• Purchase a cheap, mini stuffed animal and mail it to your young child from Santa. Put a note in there stating that this is a magical being who will watch your child each day (even when not in the same room) and leave each night to report back to Santa on his or her behavior. Each night then reposition your magical snowman, reindeer, elf, etc. (This is a variation of the Elf on the Shelf concept. Certainly you can buy this product from Hallmark, but such isn’t required to create a magical experience.)

• Engage your child in a letter writing campaign with Santa (or any figure of your choosing). Send the first letter stating that Santa is willing to answer questions and write back-and-forth and that he enjoys receiving drawings. Include in your letter some holiday stickers and declare them magic stamps that call Santa to your box to retrieve your child’s letter. (The back story would be that Santa makes rounds prior to Christmas.) If you felt like it you could include a treat back with some of Santa’s letters.

• Purchase a cheap, mini stuffed animal and declare that it gets warm whenever Santa draws near. (You’d be amazed at how effective this can be.) (By the way, if you are a Santa family, check out www.noradsanta.org for offerings than can add significant doses of magic to your experience.)

• Bake holiday cookies once a week and deliver them to a soup kitchen or someone who could use a pick-me-up (e.g., maybe you would be allowed to partner with your local meals-on-wheels).

• Start an annual tradition of making holiday decorations and putting them on display (a trip to your local craft store can trigger creative ideas as can many online sites).

• Join a church choir for the season.

• Go sleigh riding. Sure, this can be done expensively, but it can also be done with cardboard and a snowy hill, or a wet, grassy hill.

• Start a family game night, with members of the family rotating being in charge (i.e., picking the game and assigning teams). Flavor the night with treats. Losers might do something nice (but easy) for the winners (e.g., make their bed the next morning, give them a 15 minute massage).

• Create one night a week when you watch old family movies. (It’s funny how many hours of these we have laying around but never watch.) This is all the better if you have movies from your childhood. You could partner this with a “campout” where you all make sleeping tents in your TV room.

• Have bubble gun wars. Bubble guns (you know, that shoot bubbles) are cheap. You could arm each family member with one, divide into teams and have the equivalent of paint ball wars. This could be done indoors or outdoors depending on your situation.

• Start geocaching. Geocaching involves finding hidden “treasures” in your area (usually trinkets of very little or no value) and replacing them with treasures of your own. See www.geocaching.com for an orientation.

• Play yard hockey. You could do this with brooms and a tennis ball or some other light ball. (You could also duct tape the end of the broom.) Set up goals, boundaries, time limits and any other rules you need. You could even buy a cheap trophy with the engraving “2012 Yard Hockey Champs” and award it to the team that has the best record by the end of the holiday season. (Imagine your child, in the future, planning to bring home his or her intended future spouse and asking that person “so, how good are you with a broom?”)

That’s 12 I came up with in a few minutes. With a little thought and effort you could probably double my list. Actually, here are three bonus items that my wife and eldest just suggested after I asked them to review this post.

• Follow a local sports team. Odds are that there is a local high school or college basketball team whose games you could start attending.

• Drive around looking for the best lighting display. You might bake some cookies for the winners and either present them your award or just leave them on their door step with a congratulatory note.

• Pick out new recipes to try as a family.

For those who celebrate The Festival of Lights, click here for a post with some great activities for kids.

Which do you think your child will recount, with joy, years from now? That present he or she opens in a few weeks or what it was like to see dad limping around with a taped up broom? Right. It’s the connection and the shared activities that matter. These can truly yield priceless returns on the cheap.

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