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Using Our Screw Ups to Help Our Kids

Aug 6, 10 1:03 PM

With this entry I hope to illustrate the truth of two psychological formulas: crisis = pain + opportunity and comedy = pain + time.

Our children, as they negotiate awkward developmental challenges, often feel as if they are the first human to go through the turmoil and awkwardness that is at hand. For this reason it can be very comforting to them to hear our related stories of failings and difficulties, assuming they see us as being generally competent. To demonstrate what I mean I offer the story below. I’ve used it with not only my own children, but with many teen clients, to help quell the terror that is often associated with first dating experiences.

At this point in the story I was 16 years old. Having never dated before, and being tormented by my father’s repeated choruses of “16 and never been kissed,” I felt desperate to put the experience of “the first date” in the rear view mirror. So desperate was I that I asked my next youngest sister–with whom I was generally at war–for help. Probably sensing that teasing me about this would be too easy, Sharon took pity on me and put forward a candidate for a first date: Molly (her name has been changed to hide the fact that I cannot remember her name).

As many males who are learning about female creatures have discovered, movies make for good first dates because they reduce the need to come up with things to talk about. So, I asked Molly to Romeo and Juliet and she said yes. Before the movie I considered what rules might apply in such situations. Where I got this from I don’t know, but I decided that a “rule” for such dates was that the guy should put his arm around the girl. Now, I knew Molly about as well as the woman who punched our tickets. However, being a first-born Irish Catholic, I thought it important to follow the rules, so I put my arm around her. Of course, it didn’t take long for my arm to grow as numb and lifeless as a piece of decaying meat…and, then it started to hurt. So, I had no choice but to retract it. But as it was numb and I could not control it well, I bashed the right side of Molly’s head as I withdrew it. A few moments later, as I was feeling badly both about having hit her and for violating the dating rule, I decided to put my arm back. However, as it was still partially numb, I smacked the left side of her head on the return flight. Of course, a few moments later, the pain returned. This time, though, I was determined to gut it out. Finally I could bear the pain no longer and knew that I had to retract it again. This time, however, I resolved, with as deep and as sweaty of a conviction as any 16 year old could muster, that I would clear her head. But, as my arm had become deaf to signals from my brain, I hit her the fullest this second time coming back…trying to salvage some aspect of this date I consulted my mental rule book and remembered that guys should buy snacks, which I offered to do and which Molly quickly accepted (probably just to enhance her safety). With all that had been doing on with my right arm, I didn’t notice that my left leg had gone completely asleep. So, as I got up, I collapsed into the isle. Getting up somehow, I then galumphed my way up to the lobby like some actor playing a hyperbolic version of Igor. Such was my spectacle that when I returned to my seat a couple of people behind me started throwing popcorn at the back of my head.,..needless to say, Molly and I did not have a second date.

As mortifying as that experience was at the time, I have helped so many teenagers feel less alone and consider that maybe he or she is not as big of a screw up as he or she sometimes imagines. Indeed, the pain from that night–in a theater that was subsequently and thankfully torn down– has yielded more opportunities than I can count.

So, think of your mistakes and consider whether sharing them with your child might help you to discover hidden treasures. I would certainly enjoy hearing about any success you have, or have had, along these lines.

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10 Strategies If Your Child is Addicted to World of Warcraft (WOW)

Jul 3, 10 11:53 PM

According to the 2010 Guinness Book of Records, World of Warcraft (WOW) is the number one “massively multiplayer online role-playing game” or MMORPG, with over 10 million subscribers world-wide. WOW is a fun open-ended online game that can, for some kids, become an unhealthy obsession.  If you’ve determined that your child is overly engaged in WOW, consider these ways of responding:

  1. Try to understand what human need is being met for your child by taking part in WOW. Is it to be liked? Is it to lead? Is it to be competent? An effective understanding of the reasonable goal(s) your child is trying to reach through WOW can give you insights into what is being frustrated in his or her real world.
  2. Try to partner with your child in expanding upon the success she or he is having in the real world. This may be socially, academically, extracurricularly or within your home.
  3. If your child has not identified areas of top strengths, use tools like the VIA Signature Strengths Survey or StrengthsExplorer to generate theories about what  he or she might be very good at.
  4. If he or she has not done well with popular activities (e.g., sports offered at school, the most readily available clubs, etc.), try activities off the beaten path, using your child’s interests or insights from the previous recommendation to guide you.
  5. Look for partners in generating plans for increasing your child’s success in life. This might include teachers (most of whom are most willing to help), coaches, family, parents of your child’s friends, etc.
  6. Try to limit your child’s sedentary electronic pleasures to two hours a day. This is the sound counsel of more than one authoritative body (e.g., the American Academy of Pediatrics). If your child is doing more than this he or she may be missing out on other important developmental tasks (e.g., getting enough physical activity, advancing in reading skills, etc.)
  7. Explain to your child why you are putting any limits in place. This is done not to solicit approval (e.g., “thank you mother for being so wise and self-less in the administration of your parenting mission”), but to be respectful and loving. Of course, this will not typically mitigate passionate objections to the court from your child.
  8. Put appropriate electronic controls in place. Blizzard (the company behind WOW), has parent controls available within the game. Please click here to get started. There are also a variety of controls available either within many computers and televisions, just call the relevant technical support person. Finally, there are companies that sell products that make it easier for you to put controls into place (e.g., www.familysafemedia.com).
  9. Try to make sure that you are your child have at least one hour a week together where all you do is pay attention to your child and value either what your child is doing and/or saying. Called “special time” this involves  a more intense dosing of attention than  “quality time” (i.e., something else typically captures a parent’s attention  during quality time, such as shopping, fishing, etc.).
  10. There is an army of lean-mean-healing machines available and willing to help you in your efforts to help your child. If you find that this is complex or difficult for you to resolve on your own or that your child is having a toxic reaction to your efforts to establish loving controls, consider taking the step of identifying a child therapist to help. One place to get local referrals is here.

Research suggests that effective parental monitoring is one of the most powerful ways to promote resilience, happiness and wellness in your child. Hence, your well designed  efforts along these lines are usually well worth it!

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We Parents are Lunatics

Jun 26, 10 3:56 PM

I was working clinically for 10 years with kids and their parents before I had my first child. (I now have 3.0 of them!) It would seem to me that the parents I was working with would become temporarily insane some of the time. We seemed to have a good relationship, and they seemed to value the service I was offering, and yet they would sometimes become so easily offended or hurt. THEN, I had my first child and I understood within a day what was going on. We parents love our kids so much that it can overwhelm us. In other words, our great love intermittently makes us parent-lunatics.

Before having my first child, Morgan, it would seem to me that the loving relationships I had in my life were like soothing waves that I could float in or swim with as I chose. However, this love was like a powerful wave that knocked me knees over elbows and took me where it would. I remember thinking, just after Morgan was born, that the love hurt and made it difficult to breathe. I also remember, in my efforts to be a good father, how crazy I acted (e.g., insisting on not being parted from Morgan so that the nurse could care for her, that we use a wipe warmer, etc.). And, if ever I forget about my own capacity for lunacy, I have only to monitor myself for a week or so. 😉

My primary goal in this blog, my co-parent-lunatic, is to support your mission to promote happiness and wellness in you, your child and family. But, in doing so I promise to remember my own lunacy when offering resources and making suggestions. But, this is not my only central promise. In the ensuing days I will review a few other ones as well.

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