10 Gifts to Give Her if You Wish to Die

Let’s face it, its way easier to read your average man’s mind than it is to read your average woman’s mind. Case in point: a few months back I was in a local bookstore with my teenage son. Around that time the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition had just come out, with the sort of cover that is typical for that edition. And, the magazine was all over the store. As I noticed my son looking at this cover, but trying to hide his glances from me, I initiated the following exchange:

Me: (chuckling) You know that I know what you’re looking at and what you’re thinking about.

Son: What are you talking about?

Me: Son, never forget that I usually know what’s going through your mind.

Son: Well, what am I thinking now?

Me: You’re thinking that you’re hungry.

Son: Ok…well, what am I thinking now?

Me: That you’d like to get back home to your new video game.

Son: Damn. How do you do that?

Me: We’re just simple creatures.

When we got home my son relayed the story to me teenage daughter, who turned to me and asked “Ok, Dr. genius, what am I thinking?!” To which I said “no clue.”

So, in the spirit of trying to help dudes understand their ladies, or to help ladies to bring their dudes along. I’ve constructed this top 10 gifts to avoid giving her, unless you want to die. (Keep in mind that if your lady has explicitely requested something on this list, you’re probably okay. But make sure she explicitely asked for it and her doing so is not a test.)

• Appliances

• Jewelry, clothes or perfume that your mother is partial to

• Any article of clothing that is the wrong size

• Hobby equipment that you want her to take up but she has been resisting (e.g., golf clubs)

• Electronics, tools or sporting equipment that you wish someone would give you

• Any gifts even remotely suggesting that she would do well to lose weight

• Gift cards (suggests you either didn’t have the energy to shop and/or have given up on trying to read her mind)

• Sexy lingerie (risks her concluding that you are giving her something for you)

• Something re-gifted

• Anything used

I know, I know, you’re thinking things like “What’s wrong with something used, as it saves money for something that could be just as good?” Or, “But a gift card gives her more flexibility in what she wants to get!” I hear you man, and for your partner, you might be right (even a broken clock is right twice a day). But, remember she thinks differently than you, so sometimes its best to not trust your gut and to read your indicator lights (e.g., this blog), less you crash and burn.

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