Tag Humor

Parents of Teens: Do You Actually Give People Your Home Phone #?!

This week my youngest turns 13, which now means that I live with 3.0 teenagers, and will do so until 8/14, at which point my eldest will go off to college.

In the spirit of that reality, I’m blogging today about the odds of getting an accurate message delivered to you, when a teenager has taken the message. As you examine the illustration below, please note that this is dependent on the caller having had the good sense to make sure that your teen wrote down the message. Without that, the numbers would be much lower 😉

teens and phone messages

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Top 12 Humorous Parenting Quotes

I’m in the middle of a hectic summer schedule, so I thought I’d let others do my writing by sharing my top dozen favorite, humorous parenting quotes of all time:

I’ve never understood horror movies. If you want horror have a couple of kids. Richard “Old Man” Harris, Pawn Stars

 

Parents don’t want justice. They want QUIET. Bill Cosby

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.                Red Buttons

Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare. Ed Asner

My second favorite household chore is ironing, my first one being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. Erma Bombeck

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. Harry Truman

Most children threaten, at times, to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. Phyllis Diller

The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering. Paul Reiser

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.        Michelle Pfeiffer

I am not allowed to sing, dance, laugh or wear short skirts. Having a teenage daughter is like living with the Taliban.  Kathy Lette

There is nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won’t aggravate. Anonymous

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is. Erma Bombeck

 

Some Humor for Dog Lovers

A few times I’ve written about the neuroses of my Portuguese Water Dog, Dakota. In the spirit of fairness, perhaps such are not completely determined by genetic endowment, as this brief video suggests. (Just click on the picture to view it.)

10 Gifts to Give Her if You Wish to Die

Let’s face it, its way easier to read your average man’s mind than it is to read your average woman’s mind. Case in point: a few months back I was in a local bookstore with my teenage son. Around that time the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition had just come out, with the sort of cover that is typical for that edition. And, the magazine was all over the store. As I noticed my son looking at this cover, but trying to hide his glances from me, I initiated the following exchange:

Me: (chuckling) You know that I know what you’re looking at and what you’re thinking about.

Son: What are you talking about?

Me: Son, never forget that I usually know what’s going through your mind.

Son: Well, what am I thinking now?

Me: You’re thinking that you’re hungry.

Son: Ok…well, what am I thinking now?

Me: That you’d like to get back home to your new video game.

Son: Damn. How do you do that?

Me: We’re just simple creatures.

When we got home my son relayed the story to me teenage daughter, who turned to me and asked “Ok, Dr. genius, what am I thinking?!” To which I said “no clue.”

So, in the spirit of trying to help dudes understand their ladies, or to help ladies to bring their dudes along. I’ve constructed this top 10 gifts to avoid giving her, unless you want to die. (Keep in mind that if your lady has explicitely requested something on this list, you’re probably okay. But make sure she explicitely asked for it and her doing so is not a test.)

• Appliances

• Jewelry, clothes or perfume that your mother is partial to

• Any article of clothing that is the wrong size

• Hobby equipment that you want her to take up but she has been resisting (e.g., golf clubs)

• Electronics, tools or sporting equipment that you wish someone would give you

• Any gifts even remotely suggesting that she would do well to lose weight

• Gift cards (suggests you either didn’t have the energy to shop and/or have given up on trying to read her mind)

• Sexy lingerie (risks her concluding that you are giving her something for you)

• Something re-gifted

• Anything used

I know, I know, you’re thinking things like “What’s wrong with something used, as it saves money for something that could be just as good?” Or, “But a gift card gives her more flexibility in what she wants to get!” I hear you man, and for your partner, you might be right (even a broken clock is right twice a day). But, remember she thinks differently than you, so sometimes its best to not trust your gut and to read your indicator lights (e.g., this blog), less you crash and burn.

For Men: Parsing When a Woman Says “Fine.” (Humor)

Clearly men and women speak different languages. This post is meant to aid married or committed men, who ask their wife or partner if it is okay to play with friends, to parse what the response “fine” could mean.


I hope you can use this guide to promote harmony and understanding in your relationship 😉


Top 10 Funny Parenting Videos

When setting out to start this blog I meant to include regular doses of humor. However, I’ve fallen behind, having only written two articles thus far with a humorous slant. So, I thought I’d try to make up some ground by sharing my top 10 funny youtube videos with a parenting or child theme (they are ordered by how much they amuse me, from least to most).

#10 Baby laughing (it gets old but the first few moments are cute) www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk

#9 Star wars according to a three year old (the funny line comes at the end) www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBM854BTGL0

#8 Irish girl Becky makes a prank call www.youtube.com/watch?v=qa7why6CCyo

#7 Babies and fathers: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1glBETaSvc

#6 Smarty pants dance: www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Nn9dd6FfE8

#5 Tim Hawkins on parenting www.youtube.com/watch?v=crQ7Y2alDxI

#4 David after the dentist: www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs

#3 Mark Scharenbroic on hobby parents: www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfjH1Rk5hj4

#2 My nominee for best commercial with a parenting theme (touching with the laugh at the end): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGVm8fdYEGU

#1 (drum roll)

William Tell Overture mom:  www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0ZpuA8_YYk

I’d enjoy learning about other funny videos with a child or parenting theme.

Top 10 Ways to Get Your Teenager to Clean His or Her Room

Tell him/her that doing so is the only way she/he can get you to not…

  1. send his cutest picture walking in a diaper to his friends’ cell phones.
  2. dance at the next dance she attends (model making a lasso over your head with one hand and smacking your backside with the other).
  3. hold his hand the next time you’re at the mall.
  4. share the name you had for him when he was a baby the next time you give his friends a ride.
  5. rap when her friends come over.
  6. ”accidently” text her boyfriend asking if she has completed her daily prayers yet.
  7. stand up at the next religious service your family attends, at an appropriate point, and ask if you could offer an example of your teen’s virtuous behavior so that other teens might benefit.
  8. keep clapping, after everyone else has stopped, at her next performance (sports, music, acting, etc.), shouting “woo-hoo! go girl go!”
  9. take out an add in the local paper with the caption “For (name of your teen)” with the words “Remember, mommy and daddy will always love you no matter what!”
  10. show up at her school wearing high water pants and green socks and
  • if you’re a mom: bright pink lipstick that you apply outside of your lip line.
  • if you’re a dad: moussed, spiked hair.

Of course, these are meant for the sake of humor only (well, mostly 😉 ). But, if you really are struggling with your teen’s behavior, perhaps a child therapist could help. One place where you might find a local referral is here.

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