Tag teenagers

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10 Tips for Parenting Your Progeny’s Online Life

Oct 7, 11 12:56 PM

When considered from the lens of parenting, I liken Facebook, and services of its ilk, to dust mites. It’d be awesome if I could eradicate them, but that’s not realistic. Instead, I try to look upon online services that are available to my kids as offering opportunities to further realize my parenting agenda. This post offers my top 10 tips for tapping this opportunity.

#1. Maintain a weekly dialogue with your child. Having weekly one-on-one time to discuss how your child’s life is going is an essential foundation for just about any parenting agenda. “What are the best thing and the worst things that happened today, even if they were minor?” “Who are your top three friends these days and what do you like about them?” “What’s it like to be in 7th grade these days?” (Click here for a blog entry that lists other potential conversation starters. Please also see Chapter One in my parenting book Working Parents, Thriving Families, for detailed coverage.)

#2. Limit sedentary electronic pleasures to two hours a day. This is the recommendation of several authoritative bodies. If a kid is plugged in more than this he may be missing out on other important activities (e.g., being physically active, doing academic work, engaging in extracurriculars, socializing face-to-face).

#3. Use the social networking mediums that your kid is using and link to your child. If your child uses Twitter discover what it can do for you and be sure to follow each other. If your child uses Facebook use it as well and friend each other.  You also want to make sure your child doesn’t have two social networking accounts: the one you’re connected to and the one on which he goes rogue.

#4. Monitor your kid’s computer use. We want to strive for the middle ground. Over monitoring a successful and responsible child dampens the development of independence and can unduly tax a parent-child relationship. Under monitoring a child who is struggling, or who is putting herself into harmful situations, is obviously not a good idea either. This is where your world’s leading expertise of your child is essential to inform your steps. Regardless of the dosage of monitoring that you decide is advisable, programs that allow you to track your child’s computer use can be very helpful (e.g., www.spector.com/spectorpro.html, www.webwatchernow.com).

#5. Network with other parents and use parenting resources. Whenever you’re hanging out with other parents (e.g., on the sidelines of games, before a parent meeting starts) ask them what strategies they use. While you may hear from parents who seem misguided in their approach (e.g., washing their hands of a monitoring responsibility), others may have clever insights and ideas to share. There are also an abundance of online resources available for parents. (e.g. www.wiredkids.org, www.familyinternet.about.com, www.familysafemedia.com).

#6. Set up rules. Here are some I’d suggest:

√ No swearing.

√ No discussions of sexual or illegal activity.

√ No threatening others.

√ No “friending” people above the age of              (i.e., your 11 year old child’s 19 year old cousin may be super nice to her and a great person, but friending her on Facebook may afford your child access to inappropriate adult material, either on her cousin’s page or on the page of someone in her cousin’s network).

√ Under the “How You Connect” portion under “Privacy Settings,” make sure they are all set to “Friends.”

√ Public searches should be disabled on Facebook. This means that people cannot find your child’s page through internet searches. Under “Privacy Settings” click on “Apps and Websites,” then click on “Edit Settings”  that is next to “Public Search.” Then uncheck the “Enable Public Search” box.

√ You must get others’ permission before posting his or her picture online. Depending on the age and maturity of your child you may also decide that you must also approve all pictures before they are posted; this would also allow you to determine if your child’s friend’s parents’ approval should be garnered.

#7. Role-play scenarios. This is an excerpt from a 2008 national study of the online experiences of kids aged 10-15, authored by Drs. Michele Ybarra and Kimberly Mitchell, that appeared in Pediatrics: “Fifteen percent of all of the youth reported an unwanted sexual solicitation online in the last year; 4% reported an incident on a social networking site specifically. Thirty-three percent reported an online harassment in the last year; 9% reported an incident on a social networking site specifically. Among targeted youth, solicitations were more commonly reported via instant messaging (43%) and in chat rooms (32%), and harassment was more commonly reported in instant messaging (55%) than through social networking sites (27% and 28%, respectively).” Given how common such experiences are we do well to train our kids how to respond. “Hunter what would you do if someone put on their Facebook page a hurtful lie about you?” “Aiden what would you say if someone asked you for your address?”

#8. Set up parental controls on computers that your child uses. This would include things like using browsers designed to block explicit content from kids (e.g., bumpercar,  www.cybersitter.com), not allowing your child to covertly install software (i.e., through settings within the system software), and making sure that there are sufficient parental controls on your child’s other gear that can go online (e.g., cell phone, video game console, portable gaming unit). After you set up your controls offer a tech savvy 20-something person a gift card if he can try to circumvent your controls; offer a higher value gift card if he is successful and can show you how to install effective countermeasures.

#9. Make sure your child understands the limits of privacy on the internet. Colleges search Facebook pages for information, as do employers, volunteer organizations and other people who might be a gatekeeper for some experience, membership or standing that your child may desire in the future (e.g., I recently heard of a coach of a travel baseball team who rejected a kids application to play on the team because of what he found at that kids Facebook page). A good rule of thumb: if you wouldn’t want the world to see it, think four times about posting it.

#10. Consider what you might do to promote the privacy of your family’s online experience. Each computer has an IP address that tells internet sites you visit where you’re located. However, there are services available that make it more challenging to do this (e.g., www.hidemyass.com, www.anonymizer.com). As a start you might read up on IPs and privacy (e.g., http://www.livinginternet.com/i/iw_ip.htm). Moreover, many websites will, without you knowing it, collect information from your computer. However, there is software available that allows you to approve or disapprove this activity (e.g., for Macs: www.littlesnitch.com; for Windows: www.zonealarm.com).  Keep in mind that some have argued that Facebook’s true customers are not its users but the corporations to which it sells information about its users.

For other websites and resources please also see the “Further Reading and Viewing section of Chapter Three in Working Parents, Thriving Families, or the Chapter Three section at www.resilientyouth.com. You may also enjoy reading 10 Strategies If Your Child is Addicted to World of Warcraft (WOW).

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Seven Tips for When Your Child First Leaves Home for College

Aug 9, 11 10:35 AM

And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.   Khalil Gibran

The first transition from home to college is huge. Double that statement if the child in question is the eldest. Please consider these seven tips for getting the most out of the experience.

1. Carve out one-on-one time with your departing child and savor those moments. As the wheel turns new and exciting opportunities become available in our relationships with our children. However, we also say goodbye to phases that we will never experience again. Your baby will never again live under your roof as a child. This deserves shared time and reflection.

2. Share the positive thoughts and feelings you are having with your child, including those regarding your impression of the man or woman he or she is becoming. Don’t stop any tears that might well up (plus you probably won’t be the only one)

3. Write a letter to your child that expresses what you are thinking and feeling. Then leave it among her or his belongings to be discovered later.

4. If your child agrees, and it is within your means, set up a method for video conferencing.  Even if you don’t use it much, it can be a comfort to you and/or your child to have it set up. (If you both have iPads or iPhones this can be done through the application FaceTime. Another relatively straight forward choice is offered by www.skype.com.) Also keep in mind that many retailers of computer hardware and software offer discounts to students, though you may need to ask about it to get it.

5. Encourage any siblings your departing child may have to come to terms with what they are thinking and feeling about the departure, and to communicate the positive aspects of such to their departing sister or brother. It can also be mutually meaningful and beneficial for them to author letters, drawings and symbols that commemorate their relationship.

6. Agree on when and where each person in the family will say goodbye. No one wants to be stuck with the sense of having missed an opportunity. Also, if you decide to say goodbye on campus, keep in mind that your child is not likely to want much drama on display for others.

7. Give yourself a huge pat on the back (and maybe even a treat). Your shepherding has been effective enough to land your child in college. Way to go!!

(By the way, if your child is experiencing, or starts to experience, psychological symptoms keep in mind that most universities have a counseling center that offers free or low fee services. If the university has a graduate program in the mental health professions they may also have a training clinic on campus that offers outpatient care.)

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Failure: An Important Part of a Psychologically Healthy Childhood

Jun 22, 11 8:38 AM

Recently I was on a sports field and overheard heard this conversation between a mom and a coach:

Mom: “Coach Jim didn’t make the all star team. Did they tend to pick older boys?”

Coach: “Ahhh, not really. Older boys are often more skilled, and so more of them were chosen, but some younger talented boys were picked too.”

Mom: “What do I say to him? I don’t want him to be crushed. I think I’ll just say that they were choosing older boys this year”

Coach: “Whatever you think is best.”

On this same ball field, as is the case all across America, children are routinely praised for poor outcomes. A kid grounds out weakly without advancing a runner and hears “good hit Colin!” A girl pitches ball four to load the bases and is told: “good pitch Sarah!” Moreover, kids receive positive feedback on a very high proportion of plays (in my neighborhood, well over 90%).

Is it easy to understand why this happens. No engaged parent is more happy than her least happy child. When one of our kids hurts we hurt worse, so it’s natural to try to avoid the pain that failure brings. Moreover, we are very interested in making sure that our kids have a solid self-esteem and are concerned that failures, or an absence of consistent positive feedback, may leave our child falling short of developing well.

However, what we sometimes fail to realize two things: (1) failure is a critically important part of a psychologically healthy childhood and (2) too much praise dulls it. I once asked a panel of child mental health experts on a TV program I host. “If it were possible to raise a child into adulthood and make sure that she never failed at anything would you want to do it?” Everyone on the panel instantly declared “no” as such an adult would be handicapped when inevitable failures come along. Moreover, praise that is vague, inaccurate, overdone or overstated loses its impact and can actually have detrimental effects.

Let me focus a little bit on failure and review some of the benefits it offers:

√ Failure helps a kid to understand what her true talents are (i.e., if one is praised for every outcome, even the bad ones, it is more complicated to discern one’s true capacities).

√ Failure provides the opportunity to learn how to think adaptively about failing and how to respond effectively to it. Sure, I might be able to protect my child from the notion that he has failed (e.g., by stating falsehoods) for much of his childhood, but at some point the world will visit failure upon him. Better for him to learn how to think about it and respond to it early on, before dysfunctional attitudes and coping styles might develop, and when I can have a greater impact on how he responds to failure. Moreover, I certainly don’t want to condition my child to believe that she is owed a good outcome simply because she is a good person who means well and tries hard.

√ Failing offers the opportunity to learn a very important psychological formula: crisis = pain + opportunity. None of us likes pain, of course. But is it not woven into the fabric of all of our lives? Part of being resilient is to recognize that pain, to paraphrase a poet, is like a dragon guarding treasure; and, the fiercer the dragon the more valuable the treasure. However, the dragon must have its way before the treasure can be accessed. Time after time I’ve seen examples of resilient kids and families taking the hit and, because of the hit, coming out on the other side stronger, wiser, more effective and happier.

A few suggestions for those moments when your child produces a poor outcome:

√ Sometimes no comment is the best comment. For some kids striking out can be as upsetting as having a fly land on their nose. It may not need to be remarked upon.

√ If a comment is needed, sometimes waiting is advisable (e.g., for my child to become more responsive, so that it is less public)

√ Don’t lie or exaggerate. This is not the same thing as saying everything on my mind. But, when I do speak I want it to be truthful. This strengthens my long-term credibility and models virtuous behavior.

√ Provide empathy when your child is hurting without qualification. “That hurts doesn’t it.” “I could see why you’d be upset over that happening.” “It hurts to not be able to come through for your team.” Keep the butts off it initially (e.g., “…but you’ll get ‘em next time”). This can be especially difficult for we lunatic-parents to endure (i.e., we love our kids so much it makes us crazy), especially when our empathy leads to more opening up about the pain. But, tolerating this is a gift we give our children.

√ After feelings and thoughts have been vetted consider whether a plan of action is warranted: drilling, studying, problem solving, etc. If the failing represents a painful pattern think of it as a problem to be solved.

√ Value things like effort (e.g., your child hustles even when a losing outcome seems inevitable) and character (e.g., you child congratulates an opponent for a good play, lifts up a team mate who was feeling down) making sure that such comments are tied to specific examples.

√ Keep praise for effective performance proportionate, especially when around others from outside of the family.

I realize I’m hitting only some high points here. A much more complete accounting of these issues, together with stories that illustrate the points, can be found in my parenting book Working Parents, Thriving Families. I’ve also written a blog entry titled Five Questions for Effectively Parenting Kids in Sports. Finally, if your child has a pattern of responding to failure that is consistently impairing (e.g., public displays of anger, inconsolable and persistent sadness) consider seeking out the services of a qualified mental health professional.

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Communicating with Teens about STDs

May 11, 11 7:44 AM

My various jobs call for me to read on a regular basis. However, there is only one book I’ve read that felt so important to my parenting mission that I interrupted my own reading of it and asked for my two teenagers to read the first chapter. That book is Seductive Delusions: How Everyday People Catch STDs by family practitioner Jill Grimes, M.D.

The national survey data on youth sexual behaviors indicate that teens frequently have sex, and in ways that put themselves and their partners at risk. For instance, the CDC’s most recent edition of the Youth Risk Behavior Survey, indicates that 46% of high school students have had sexual intercourse (African-American youths reported the highest rates at 65%), with 34% reporting that they are sexually active and 14% indicating that they have had sexual intercourse with four or more different partners. Moreover, 39% of teens reported that they did not use a condom the last time they had intercourse, though 22% did use drugs or alcohol.

The results of these behaviors can range from unwanted pregnancies (e.g., according to the CDC there were 409,840 infants born to girls ages 14-19 in 2009) to the contraction of a (sometimes life-long) sexually transmitted disease (e.g., quoting from Dr. Grimes’ book: “Estimates vary, but between 50 and 90% of adults have oral herpes by age 50…25% of adults have genital herpes, but up to 90% of them are unaware of it.”) I do my teen no favor if I think that she or he could never be one of these statistics.

Giving teens real life stories of peers and young adults suffering from STDs can be one effective way of reaching them about these matters, especially when those stories poignantly review the long term, embarrassing and inconvenient realities that can follow from even a brief lapse. That is what makes this book so important. The stories are effectively organized by type of STD and include facts about each disease at the end of each chapter; the reviews of the book have also been stellar (e.g., see amazon.com). I encourage you to review it yourself and see whether you might want to recommend it for your teen (or older) child. (Please also stay tuned to this blog as Dr. Grimes will be doing a guest entry for us sometime later this month or early next month.)

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Recent Research: Teens Need Parents to Monitor Them

Apr 9, 11 11:37 PM

The purpose of this blog entry is to highlight recent research that demonstrates the importance of parental monitoring.

Teenagers not only have brains that are not fully developed in their capacity to control impulses, but they also often have a sense of invulnerability. This is why survey results of risky behaviors that teens engage are often alarming. An example of this is the Center for Disease Control’s just published 2009 survey of 16,410 high school students in the U.S. These are some highlights quoted directly from the summary document:

• Among the 69.5% of students who had ridden a bicycle during the 12 months before the survey, 84.7% had rarely or never worn a bicycle helmet.

• 28.3% of students rode in a car or other vehicle driven by someone who had been drinking alcohol one or more times during the 30 days before the survey.

• 31.5% of students had been in a physical fight one or more times during the 12 months before the survey.

• 19.9% of students had been bullied on school property during the 12 months before the survey.

• 13.8% of students had seriously considered attempting suicide and 6.3% of students had attempted suicide one or more times during the 12 months before the survey.

• 19.5% of students smoked cigarettes on at least 1 day during the 30 days before the survey.

• 41.8% of students had had at least one drink of alcohol on at least 1 day during the 30 days before the survey.  24.2% of students had had five or more drinks of alcohol in a row (i.e., within a couple of hours) on at least 1 day during the 30 days before the survey.

• 36.8% of students had used marijuana one or more times during their life. 20.8% of students had used marijuana one or more times during the 30 days before the survey.

• 46.0% of students had ever had sexual intercourse. 34.2% of students had had sexual intercourse with at least one person during the 3 months before the survey. Among the …sexually active students, 61.1% reported that either they or their partner had used a condom during last sexual intercourse.

In a subsequent blog entry I will summarize the results regarding the poor health habits that teens often engage in. For now, we all do well to institute a monitoring protocol that includes knowing, and approving of, the answers to three questions whenever our teen is outside of our eye line:

1.     Who are you with?

2.     What are you doing?

3.     What adult or adults are responsible for monitoring? (Keep in mind that effective adult monitoring might occur from another room in the same house, in the parking lot of an event, or in a restaurant next door. Of course, it’s also important to confirm that the monitoring adult is responsible and shares your values and attitudes about acceptable activities and behavior.)

Sometimes this can be complicated business. For a more thorough discussion please see Chapter Three of my book, Working Parents, Thriving Families.

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A Chronic Health Problem in Teens: a Lack of Sleep

Mar 9, 11 10:03 AM

The National Sleep Foundation does an annual Sleep in America Poll. Their 2011 edition, which has the theme of “Communication Technology in the Bedroom” was just published. In this blog I’m going to summarize the findings as they regard teenagers, which the poll refers to as Generation Z’ers.

Almost three out of four teens report bringing their cell phones into their bedrooms at night, with 56% texting every night/almost every night in the hour before bedtime. This is concerning as those who text in this hour are less likely to say they got a good night’s sleep, less likely to wake up feeling rested, more likely to be characterized as sleepy the next day and more likely to drive drowsy.  Moreover, 28% percent of teens leave their cell phone ringers on at night and 18 percent report being awakened by incoming transmissions. Finally, when they wake up at night 35% of teens report that they will text.

The poll also found, as has been the case with previous editions of this survey, that our teens are not getting enough sleep.  This year 4 out of 10 teens reported getting less than the minimal recommended dose of sleep each night with 60% stating that they wake up feeling like they had not gotten enough sleep (46% indicated that they rarely/never get a good night’s sleep on weekdays and only 6% endorsed getting a good night’s sleep every school night).  Moreover, among those that drive, 40% indicated that they have driven drowsy.  In total 77% of teenagers reported having sleep problems at least a few nights/days a week (e.g., 34% of teens report taking more than 30 minutes to fall asleep at night).  Despite these problems teens seem to be aware of how many hours a night they need to be rested (i.e., 61% indicated that they need 8-9 hours, or more, to be rested).

The poll also asked the teens what areas are negatively affected the next day when they are tired. These are the areas they indicated become problematic (the percentage endorsing the problem is in parentheses): mood (87%), schoolwork (84%), family life or home responsibilities (73%), and social life or leisure activities (68%). (Please see my previous blog entry that reviews both the negative next-day consequences, for youth, of being deprived of just one hour of sleep as well as the National Sleep Foundation’s recommendations for how much sleep kids should get each night.)

Other findings:

√ More than three out of four teens use their laptops in their bedrooms in the hour before going to sleep. Most of the poor sleep outcomes that are associated with texting in this hour are also associated with this kind of activity.

√ Sixty percent of teens drink caffeinated beverages each day, with one out of four drinking four or more.

√One percent of teens report using an e-book reader in the hour before bedtime.

To review strategies for promoting a good night’s sleep in your child click here. For now the obvious thing to say is that we parents do well to be mindful of how much sleep our teens need as well as what the likely consequences will be if they are deprived of such.

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Five Questions for Effectively Parenting Kids in Sports

Mar 3, 11 1:55 PM

This past weekend I watched an episode of ESPN’s Outside the lines regarding the suicide of 25-year-old LPGA golfer Erica Blasberg. Certainly this episode resonated with me as a psychologist, as I often deal with these kinds of issues in my practice. But, this piece touched me more as a dad of three kids who play sports (one heavily so). So, I thought I’d devote a blog entry for sharing five questions for a parent to consider when his or her child plays a sport.

1.     As a parent do I insist upon outcomes, effort or both?

I would argue that it is effort that we should encourage and allow the outcomes to fall where they may. The capacity to give effort when one doesn’t feel like it is a very important psychological muscle for promoting success. Thus, common messages relayed in sports along these lines generalize well to other areas in life (e.g., practice well when no one is watching, try your hardest even if your opponent is dominating you and try to improve no matter where you stand relative to other kids). Alternatively, emphasizing the win, the hit, the points, or other outcomes, especially without regard to other important considerations, can promote unwise philosophies, practices and outcomes.

2.     Does my child enjoy the sport?

Sure, there are rainy Mondays and valleys of weariness that all of us experience in the areas of our lives that typically produce joy. But, for at least a considerable portion of the time, is my kid having fun playing the sport? If not, there may be more downside than upside in continuing and/or my kid’s involvement in the sport may be more about my satisfaction than his or hers.

3.     Does the sporting experience support or interfere with adaptive character development?

This question may be especially important for athletically gifted kids. One father I know recently started to lightheartedly ride his athletically talented son for holding back during a rec basketball game (his son was a top player on two very competitive basketball teams but the rec team was made up of boys who played the sport only one day a week); his son explained that he could have scored more points, but not without cutting down on how much he passed the ball to open teammates, something that he thought would have been wrong to do. This is an illustration of how sports can engender and highlight character development.

Alternatively, it is possible for a sport to become a venue for consistent eruptions of anger, verbal or physical bullying, despair and cheating; in such instances, and left unchecked, the sporting life may be doing more harm than good. Relatedly, and as a parent, what is my emotional reaction to each of the following scenarios? Scenario #1: my child turns in a dominant athletic performance that leads to a win for the team, but he or she intentionally shames another child along the way. Scenario #2: my child tries hard but turns in a subpar athletic performance, which then facilitates a team loss, but along the way he or she lifts the spirits of a child who was feeling down. Understanding my emotional response to these scenarios (you know, the one we have when we’re being honest with ourselves and no one is looking) can tell me a lot about what I’m communicating to my child about priorities (either directly or indirectly) and also let me know whether an adjustment is in order.

4.     When academics and sports compete against each other, which wins?

Granted, those of us who value both academics and sports do what we can to keep them from coming into conflict. But, inevitably, when they do, what happens? Can there be any doubt that efforts spent towards becoming a good student stand to leave many more doors open in adulthood than efforts spent towards becoming a good athlete? Moreover, and for those who are playing at a level in high school where this concern is relevant, recruiters are more-and-more disinterested in students with a compromised academic record (i.e., they don’t want to deal the hassles that result when a student they recruit cannot perform academically).

5.     Does my kid realize that my bond with him or her cannot be threatened by how he or she does in sports?

As I review in chapter two of my book, self-esteem appears to be comprised of at least two core elements: of a sense of worthiness (i.e., I have inherent value and am loved) and a sense of competence (i.e., there are important things that I’m good at). Our kids benefit when they know they have a loving bond with us that can’t be severed when they stink at things, make poor choices or otherwise experience negative outcomes. Having this bond is more important than just about anything else we can provide for our child as they grow up.  So, one could argue that just as most sports require donning protective physical equipment, we do well as parents to require that our child dons protective psychological equipment, in this case a sense that his or her connection with us can’t be threatened by a score.

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Is your kid getting enough sleep?

Oct 16, 10 9:15 AM

For many of us, a typical school night resembles a circus with the clowns’ hair on fire. There is way too much to do and not enough time to do it all. Because of this it may be tempting to try to make more time by pushing our kids’ bedtime back. After all, there has to be give somewhere and, while we might not like seeing our kid tired the next day, we know he or she can always catch up later.  Right?

Well, unfortunately, research suggests that even one hour of lost sleep can have a dramatic and negative impact on a child’s or a teen’s functioning the very next day. Before summarizing some of this research, let me share the nightly doses of sleep recommended by the National Sleep Foundation:

1-3 years old:            12-14 hours

3-5 years old:            11-13 hours

5-12 years old:          10-11 hours

Teens:                       8.5-9.25 hours

One of the best parenting books I’ve ever read is Nurture Shock (read my blog entry on my top three favorite books for parents by clicking here). According to the authors, the following number among the consequences when our children do not get enough sleep:

• For every hour of lost sleep, a child loses seven IQ points the next day.

• When kids get less sleep, their bodies respond in a manner that maximizes the production of fat and minimizes its breakdown.

• Sleepy kids are more lethargic and less active the next day.

• A complete night’s sleep is needed in order to properly remember newly learned academic material.

• Children with deprived sleep are more likely to remember negative rather than positive events.

• Children who are tired have a more difficult time thinking flexibly the next day.

To review related findings from the National Sleep Foundation click here.

I realize that messages like this are difficult to hear as it is so challenging to fit it all in. Moreover, our children often resist our efforts to get them to bed on time, adult leaders of extracurricular activities often seem unaware of these issues when they schedule late night events and kids sometimes find it difficult to fall and stay asleep. (To review strategies for promoting a good night’s sleep in your child click here.) But, for now, I believe we all do well to realize the importance of our kids getting a good night’s sleep.

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Signs that a Kid Needs Mental Health Services.

Sep 28, 10 8:19 PM

About 14-22% of children in the United States suffer from a diagnosable psychological disorder. Add 20% to that number if you include youth who suffer at sub clinical levels. However, only about 20% of these children get effective care. And, even when they get it they’ve often had to suffer for years first. This occurs even though the research on the effectiveness of child psychotherapies is very positive. What would we conclude about our culture if this were true of our childrens’ dental health instead of their mental health?

I’m writing this blog entry to try to review key indicators of when a child might benefit from mental health services. There are four primary areas of functioning that one can consider: relationships with adults, relationships with peers, academics and mood.

Relationships with adults: The key issue is whether the youth gets along reasonably well with adults. Of course this includes parents/parent-figures and teachers. But it also includes coaches, extended family, bosses, etc. If the youth is frequently in conflict or frequently avoidant or detached from any significant type of relationship with adults, an evaluation may be warranted.

Relationships with peers: Kids need to be able to form friendships, and get along effectively, with other kids who are doing well. For example, if a teen’s close friendships are primarily with those who often get into trouble, abuse substances, or are significantly symptomatic, a significant problem may be present. Likewise, if a child or teen is avoidant, aggressive, controlling or otherwise routinely rejected or ignored by most other youth, this is of concern.

Academics: This is one of the trickier areas to describe tightly. The central issue here is not grades, though grades consistently falling in the C and lower range would generally indicate that a problem exists (assuming that the teaching and curriculum are appropriate). The central issue here is the youth applying herself or himself when she or he does not feel like it.  Developing this psychological muscle (i.e., task persistence when internal motivation is required) is one of the most important developmental tasks of childhood. So if a child is not applying herself or himself, or experiencing significant turmoil or failure in academic pursuits, an evaluation is likely warranted.

Mood: The key issue is whether or not the youth is content. Happiness is great. Contentment is the bar however. If the child is consistently sad, angry or anxious for a significant portion of his or her waking day, this is signaling a need for professional attention. It is often the case that a parent may be confused regarding what a child or teen is thinking or feeling. Thus, problems with sleep, appetite, concentration, connectedness with the world or physical activity can be signs of a problem. (There may also be absences of experiences of joy, but more for kids with depressive disorders than anxiety disorders. )

As I write this blog, there are 42 ways that youth can be diagnosed with a mental health disorder. So, this is hardly a comprehensive post. However, if a child is getting along well with others, is doing well in school and seems content, that child may be fine. The only significant area I’ve left out is experiencing success in one or more extracurricular pursuits. While a lack of positive experiences in the latter area is not, by itself, necessarily indicative of a problem, a child who lacks for such experiences may be more vulnerable to attacks on self-esteem.

I hope you will share this blog post with those who could use it. If you would like to read about common myths about mental health services, click here. For ideas on how to afford care click here. And, finally, to find a lean-mean-healing machine in your neck of the woods, click here.

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Three Key Ways Teachers Can Promote Resilience

Aug 27, 10 8:42 AM

As our nation begins transitioning back to school, and because teachers are one of our most important collaborators in raising our children, I thought I’d devote this entry to teachers.

In my years of working collaboratively with teachers I have become a big fan of the profession. Just as I find most parents love their kids more than their own lives, I find that most teachers are in the game because they wish to make an important difference in the lives of kids. Their primary motivation is not money–if so a teacher has had bad career counseling–it is mission. For this reason, I would like to offer the top three things I wish teachers would remember, or realize, when trying to teach our kids.

You have the power to make significant and life-long contributions to your students.

In case studies of children who have faced adversity, but who came out on the other side of it well adjusted, a teacher is often sited as having made a critically important contribution. Those benefited by the teachers’ gifts don’t necessarily recall the academic content that was covered, but they recall the human investment. “Mr. Roberts was the first one who ever believed in me.” “Mrs. Johnson reached out to me when I was at my lowest.” “Ms. Jackson never gave up on me even though I was a real pain.” As someone who both named his only son after a teacher, and who also teaches, I can tell you that it need not take much time and energy to have a tremendous impact. Sharing a lunch, writing a note, arranging for a little tutoring, etc. can make a mighty difference, though it may not be obvious. For instance, I once discovered that I student of mine had laminated a complimentary sticky note I attached to a report she wrote; I learned about this months later when she told me that she read it whenever she needed a boost.

You can serve a pivotal role in helping students to identify their strengths.

Their are at least two reasons why knowing one’s strengths is important: such is pivotal to the formation of a positive self-esteem and knowing one’s strengths aides in effective educational and vocational planning. That said, many kids (and adults) do not know their top strengths and may even find the concept foreign. Teachers have many opportunities to either mirror kids strengths back to them or to assist kids in identifying their top strengths. The former can happen simply by expressing thoughts you have about any special abilities a student is showing. It can also happen by putting a kid on display for a positive contribution. The teacher I mentioned I named my son after, upon having seen me perform in a school play, wrote my name on the board the next Monday morning; he noted it was there in order to recognize an outstanding performance. Though I probably sat their without much of an expression on my face, that simple gesture made my month.

Teachers can help identify top strengths by encouraging exploration of uncharted interests in a student’s life. Unimpeded, and assuming basic conditions for growth are in place, trees grow their branches around obstacles towards the light. Unimpeded, and assuming basic conditions for growth are in place, children grow their interests and behaviors towards their competencies. Teachers might also encourage students to fill out instruments which can aide in developing theories about their top strengths (e.g., the VIA Signature Strengths Survey for Children, StrengthsExplorer, etc.).

You can teach students that how we think has a much greater influence over how we feel than what actually happens.

As any case study of a famous, popular and wealthy person who committed suicide can illustrate, more determinative of mood is what we make of what happens in our lives, not what actually happens. As just one example, consider the script: crisis = pain + opportunity. A crisis is like a siamese twin. Resilient minds are not in denial about the pain that is attached to unfortunate twists of fate. However, they then go on to look for the opportunity that is always attached. Teachers can encourage their students to learn this truth by providing examples. This agenda could be incorporated into many lesson plans (e.g., in English students could read stories with this lesson; in history students could hear examples of this formula; in many academic classes satisfaction and new skill sets are borne out of the pain involved in certain mental pursuits, etc.). And, when bad things happen in students’ lives advisers can encourage, after the pain has been given its due, the search for the opportunity imbued within, perhaps while also providing personal illustrations.

In closing I salute you for your mission, especially when you execute it well on those days when no adults are watching and dialing it in would be all so easy to do. And, remember, if you have children who are not responding to your efforts, an army of qualified mental health professionals is dispersed across our country. To find such a person in your vicinity, click here.

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