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These posts review specific evidence-based parenting strategies.

Value of an Allowance

Nov 7, 15 11:44 AM

money held by handMany parents wonder about the value of giving their kid(s) an allowance. I’m in favor of allowances for these reasons:

Allowances…

…can be tied to weekly chores or homework performance, incentivizing otherwise resistant kids.

…cut down on the revolving (and seemingly near constant) requests for spending money. For elective purchases, kids can now learn to budget their own resources.

…open the door to teaching about money management. For instance, a percentage might be put aside for college, teens might open up a checking account and so forth.

…get kids thinking about the importance of giving to charity.

…sometimes actually lead kids to ask for other opportunities to earn money around the home.

Parents often ask me how much they should allow their child to earn. There isn’t really a guideline that I can say is more or less psychologically indicated. It really comes down to your standard of living and the values you wish to promote. That said, you could think of $1 per year your child has lived outside of the womb as a rough starting point; you can adjust up or down from there based on your standard of living and values.

Let me offer two caveats:

First, it’s important to not make a kid spend his or her allowance on necessities such as clothes and food. Providing necessities is our job. Of course, if your budget parameters call for your child to bag her lunch, but she prefers to purchase it at school with her allowance, that’s fine. Or, you have it in mind to purchase a durable sneaker but your kid wants the designer brand, that’s fine also.

Second, it’s important to not try to over control how your child spends his or her allowance. If the proposed expenditure isn’t inappropriate for him or her (e.g., a 10 year old wanmentorts to purchase a mature rated video game), or immediately harmful (e.g., yes, too much ice cream is harmful in the long run but a dosing of it isn’t immediately harmful once allergies are ruled out) it’s important to let your kid make his or her own decision, even if it drives you crazy. It’s hard to learn how to manage money, and how to make decisions, if mom or dad are always calling the shots.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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What To Do About a Bad Report Card

Nov 1, 15 10:42 AM

writing fatigueHaving your kid come home with a poor report card can be challenging and upsetting. For responding to this I’d like to offer two perspectives and six steps.

Perspecitive #1: Though we all do it from time-to-time, freaking out is rarely helpful. This response is certainly understandable, especially if you believe your kid has dropped the ball. But, it rarely helps and often hurts both your relationship with your kid and the underlying problem (e.g., a kid hating school).

Perspective #2: The underlying issues are usually fixable, it just take properly understanding what has happened. Staying problem and solution focused can be very helpful. The following six steps are meant to help you in this regard. (These steps are not meant to be a sequential list.)

Step #1: Schedule a face-to-face meeting with the teacher or teachers. At this meeting discuss, at minimum, your kid’s strengths, what the teacher(s) believe has caused the poor report card, and a plan of remediation. Please read my blog entry “Eleven Important Tips When You Meet with a Teacher” to make the most out of this meeting.

Step #2: Figure out what constitutes success for your kid. We parents do well to focus on effort more than outcomes. Is your kid bringing it and getting Bs? If yes, that may be okay. Is your kid barely trying and earning As and Bs? If yes, that may not be okay.

Step #3: Determine what role homework plays in your kid’s grades. Is there too stressed student with booksmuch of it? Is your kid trying hard enough? Is your kid lying to you about what homework is assigned? Aspects of your assessment of the homework situation can be useful to share in the teacher meeting. Please read my blog entry “Seven Tips for Coping with Homework Hell” to get the most out of this step.

Step #4: Determine if extracurricular activities, sleep schedules or your kid’s social life are interfering with academic performance. If yes, the problem(s) may be easy to tweak if you’ve caught it/them early enough. (Searching with the word “sleep” above will list multiple entries regarding sleep.)

Step #5: Consider improving the quality of the relationship between you and your kid. If you are surprised by a poor report card, that may suggest that there is too much distance between the two of you. Spending one hour a week doing “special time” with your kid can be a fix (see Chapter One in my parenting book or articles on this blog site for more information on how to implement special time).

Step #6: Ask yourself whether a glitch in your kid’s mental health could be playing a role. If your kid seems depressed, angry, worried, stress out, hung over, or some other negative adjective, seriously consider having a good child or adolescent psychologist do an evaluation to get to the bottom of things. (See my article titled “What Does a Good Mental Health Evaluation Look Like?” to get the most out of this step. You may also find value in reading  character with key in head“Affording Mental Health Care” or Chapter 10 of my parenting book.) Part of this work-up may include an evaluation to rule out a learning disability.

Good luck and, on behalf of your future kid, thank you for your work on this!

 

 

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Helping Your Kid Get a Good Night’s Sleep

Aug 31, 15 7:00 AM

It’s back-to-school and many parents are working on sleep with their kids. In previous entries I reviewed evidence that most teens do not get sufficient sleep, shared authoritative guidelines for how much sleep kids should get and summarized the most common ways kids suffer when they do not get enough sleep. Here I offer guidelines for how you can promote a good night’s sleep in your kid.

• Try to encourage a consistent bedtime ritual that starts about an hour prior to the time you’d like your  to fall asleep. In this hour try to avoid activities that promote an active or a fretful mind. For younger children reading them a book as they lay in bed can be effective. A shower or bath in this hour can also be relaxing.

• Baring unusual circumstances, consider not allowing your kid to keep a cell phone in her bedroom.

•Try to avoid allowing your kid to watch TV as he falls asleep. However, if you do, make sure it is not on for long and that it is turned off shortly after he falls asleep.

• If your kid is waking up soar or stiff or if her mattress is showing signs of wear or tear, consider replacing it.

• If your kid reports being too cold or too hot when trying to fall sleep, adjust accordingly.

• Try to avoid laying with your child until she falls asleep. If her anxiety level seems to mandate such, see a qualified mental health professional for help.

• Dim night lights are fine to use if such makes your child more comfortable.

• Of course, try to ensure that your child’s environment is quiet. If you live in a busy area and outside noise is interfering, consider purchasing a noise cancelling machine.

• If your kid consistently fights you in getting to bed on time, consider making her earn access to a desired activity or object the next day by getting into bed on time (e.g., cell phone access the next day is earned by having gotten into bed on time with the lights out).  This is not punishment. (“I’m taking your cell phone away because you did not get to bed on time.”) This is reward. (“You earn your cell phone each day by having gotten to bed on time the night before.”) So, your kid either earns or doesn’t earn the desired activity or access while you remain an empathic bystander.

• If your kid reports that he cannot fall asleep because his mind is too busy, try one or more of the following strategies:

  1. At a soft volume, play an audio recording of a story with which your child is familiar. Try to avoid plots that are action packed.  Also, make sure to turn it off shortly after your kid falls asleep.
  2. Encourage your kid to imagine that it is the next day and he is in a boring class. In the class he is extremely tired, but he MUST stay awake. Encourage your kid to imagine what each of her senses experience as he does this mental exercise.
  3. Encourage your kid to imagine a repetitive pleasurable activity (e.g., fishing, cheerleading, pitching a ball game, dancing, etc.). Again, encourage her to engage all of her senses when imagining this activity.
  4. Play sounds from nature (e.g., the beach, a rainforest, etc.) or other soothing music (e.g., insomnia tracks available on iTunes). If your child has a device like an iPod, he may enjoy using one of the compatible pillows that are available.
  5. Some people report that the aroma of lavender can have a sedating effect. So, consider this as well.

Insomnia is like a fever as it is a symptom that has many possible causes (e.g., sleep apnea, mood disorders, anxiety disorders, etc.). If your child suffers from persistent insomnia consult with your child’s pediatrician regarding possible medical causes. If medical interventions do not resolve the problem, are contraindicated or will take a while to implement, consider seeking out the services of a qualified mental health professional.

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“I’m stupid!” “I’m a loser!” Responding to a Kid’s Negative Thinking (Thought Testing)

Aug 17, 15 8:59 AM

“I’m stupid!” “No one likes mcharacter sitting on book overwhelmede!” “I suck at sports!” “I have no friends!” Most parents have heard lamentations like these. Our typical response is to reassure our kid and offer contradicting evidence. However, there are many occasions when that approach seems to escalate the problem. This is because if a kid is being influenced by a depressed or anxious mood, such reassurances are heard by her as “knock it off. You don’t have any reason to feel this way.” Our kid’s response is then to insist, often with more distress and an offering of data, that the negative thought is true. The technique of thought testing can be helpful in these instances.

Step #1: Get to the core thought. Our thoughts are like onions; core thoughts are the deepest layer of the onion. Sometimes our kid offers a core thought right at the start, like the ones I listed above. If so, we can skip this step. Otherwise, a kid can seem disproportionately upset about an activating event, like not getting invited to a party or making a mistake during a game. You can start by asking, “what does it mean that Monica didn’t invite you to the party?” A kid might say, “she doesn’t like me.” You can then respond with, “okay, let’s say that’s true. What would it mean about you that Monica doesn’t like you?” A kid might then say, “I have no friends.” Core thoughts are usually expressed in a few words and represent black-and-white and negative conclusions about oneself, others or the world at large. Write down the core thought at the top of a piece of paper, then draw a vertical line in the middle of the page underneath the core thought. On the left side write “facts supporting.” On the left write “facts contradicting.”

theory into practice signStep #2: Collect supporting facts. This is the step that opens up a new universe for your relationship with your kid. You say, “okay, what are the facts that support this thought? By facts, I mean things that a police officer would write down, or things that could be used in a court of law.” (You might have to do different kinds of teaching regarding what a fact is depending upon your kid’s age and intelligence.) If your kid suggests some facts in support of the thought, write it down as a valid point. The kid might say, “I didn’t get invited to Monica’s party.” You might say, “you’re right. That is a fact that suggests you have no friends so we’ll write it down on the left side. What’s next?” So, instead of arguing against the core thought, you’re asking for the data that supports it. This is what’s new. Usually a kid will have 2-4 facts, and rarely more. Just be sure you write down only facts, not what you kid imagines, guesses or implies.

Step #3: Collect contradicting facts. When your kid says she has no more supporting facts, ask if there are facts that contradict or disagree with the core thought. Usually, these start cascading from your kid (as long as you’ve done the first two steps that is). Feel free to add here-and-there but let most of the facts come from your kid. You write each one down on the right side. As you write, don’t let your kid see what you’re writing yet. It’s okay not to exhaust this side. You can stop once you have much more data on the right side.

Step #4: Give the list to your kid and ask, “Okay, you’re judge and jury. Is the thought true or false?” Your kid will usually express relief that the thought is not true. (In my parenting book I review an augmenting strategy for when a kid wants to assert that a given fact on the left side carries more weight than the facts on the right side.)

cute girl sitting white backgroundStep #5: Decide what you want to do next. Maybe you want to do “problem solving” regarding the activating event (search for that term on this blog site). Or, maybe your kid decides just to distract herself whenever she has this thought going forward, as it isn’t true.

I have two caveats. First, if the thought proves true, use it as an opportunity to do problem solving. Second, if thought testing doesn’t work for you, and your kid has a pattern of being distressed by negative thoughts, seek out a referral for a good child mental health professional. You can get a referral by clicking here.

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When Teens Lie

Aug 3, 15 4:58 PM

african woman's half faceLying is can be a symptom of a psychological disorder such as Conduct Disorder or Oppositional Defiant Disorder. However, lying can also occur secondary to typical developmental pressures that teens face. This entry is designed to address the latter scenario.

Teens can lie for many different reasons: to avoid consequences, to be spared parent admonishments, to get out of responsibilities and so forth. However, a top reason teens lie is because they imagine that the truth will get them nowhere with their parents. It is as if a teen is an attorney who, believing that the judge always decides against him, stops making truthful petitions to the court. This may or may not be a fair assessment. But, if a teen thinks that her parents will always decide against her if she lobbies truthfully, it is more likely that she will lie. There are at least six things we as parents can do to incentivize truth telling:

#1. Ask yourself if the thing your teen wants to do stands to be physically harmful, psychologically harmful or unduly taxing of your resources. If the answer to all three is “no,” maybe it’s okay to let your teen do that thing, even if it drives you crazy.

#2. Be open to your teen having good arguments that change your mind. Often our teens have information or perspectives that we hadn’t considered. If we allow ourselves to objectively consider this information, and change our minds when that’s indicated, we increase the odds that our teens will be truthful with us.

caution, teen ahead#3. Consider using the problems solving methodology. Click here or see Chapter Six of my parenting book for a more detailed description.

#4. Spend one hour a week doing special time with your teen. Readers of this blog will recognize this theme. For an instruction on how to do special time see this link or Chapter One of my parenting book.

#5. Allow your teen three chances to change your mind after you say “no” to something he wants to do. It might go like this: 1. your teen makes his initial request; 2. you respond, offering a reason if it’s a “no;” 3. your teen makes a counterargument; 4. you listen and respond; 4. if it’s still a “no” your teen makes a second counterargument; 5. you listen and respond; 5. if it’s still a “no” your teen makes a third and final counterargument; 6. you listen and respond; if it’s a “no” discussion would normally be over at this point. Also, keep in mind that being open to being persuaded by good arguments (not pushed over, but persuaded) is important.

#6. Bounce your thinking off of wise and experienced parents who are objhip teens:college studentsective and are as likely to agree as to disagree with you. This can help you to get a better sense for what you want to do .

Good luck!

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Ten Tips For Getting the Most out of Family Vacations

Jul 20, 15 11:07 AM

Ever feel stressed by a family vacation? This can be very surprising when it happens as we think of vacations as the antidote for stress, not the cause of it. In order to increase the odds that you will get the intended results from your next family vacation, consider the following 10 thoughts:

  1. Savor the moment. Ask yourself, “where’s the beauty in this moment?” Is it in the expression on your child’s face? Is it in the colors of the landscape? Is it in the skill being brought to bear by someone serving you? It’s so easy to rush past beauty and precious moments and to not notice them. As you focus your attention only in the here-and-now, try to do only that and breathe gently into your lower stomach. Observe the peace and contentment that grows within you.
  2. Appreciate that some things just about always don’t go as planned and that such moments offer opportunities.  That is, crisis = pain + opportunity. I’ve never known of a vacation that went exactly as planned. When flights are delayed, or its rainy out, or you don’t get the seating you wanted or someone gets sick, acknowledge that pain as you would a guest in your home. But, then look for the opportunity that pain always brings with it, and try to capitalize on that. Doing so models wisdom for your children.
  3. Love matters more than everything else. We parent-lunatics (see the first post in this blog) want so much to give our children the best of everything, including the best vacations. This is a natural and normal impulse. However,  so often what our children most need from us is to be connected. So, try to grab those moments on your vacation that allow your relationship with your child to grow. (Such moments are often cheaper anyway!)
  4. Stress happens. Our bodies are stressed when we experience bountiful pain and bountiful joy; while the former is obvious the latter can surprise us. How many families are surprised when a wedding, a family reunion, a baptism, or, in this case, a family vacation brings with it grouchiness or arguments or other kinds of relationship ruptures and challenges? When these sorts of things happen in painful moments we usually understand what is going on. But, when they happen during a family vacation, especially when a lot of time and resources have been brought to bear to make it happen, it’s easy to become disgusted with  family members for what seems to be their selfishness and lack of appreciation. Instead, try to remember that such moments are usually inevitable and that they can be minimized if everyone both realizes that and also tries to get healthy doses of sleep, nutritious food and physical activity during the vacation.
  5. Contemplate goals. Ask yourself what realistic goals this vacation can accomplish. If I tell myself, either consciously or unconsciously, that I expect my pliers to be able to cut down a tree, I will suffer disappointment or worse. If I try to use a vacation to correct a major family problem, to engender a significant upgrade in the harmony in my family life or to cause family members to love and to appreciate me more, I may end up very disappointed and hurt. However, if I tell myself that the goals are to appreciate and enjoy whatever moments come our way and the presence of my family in my life, I may end up feeling fulfilled and peaceful.
  6. Avoid rushing. “Let’s go we must be there 30 minutes early!!” “C’mon we’ll miss the appetizers!!” “If we’re not there in 15 minutes they’ll start without us!!” When we’ve paid a lot of money, and invested a lot of time planning, it’s so easy to treat a vacation like it is a hill to be charged: bayonets attached, troops organized and people on the receiving end in trouble! And, participants, including the one(s) barking orders, often feel more like they are engaged in battle than a vacation. If a given activity is very important to be at on time, try to give yourself sufficient time so that no one has to rush. If rushing becomes necessary, take a poll among the family regarding which they would rather do: rush, be late, or do something else. This way if there is a decision to rush at least the soldiers will feel less like they are being pushed.
  7. Avoid creating future stress. It’s so easy to spend money I don’t have because I tell myself that doing so will give my kids things or experiences that will be meaningful to them. However, if I do this spending in a way that compromises my future wellness, then there may be less of me available to my children when we return home (e.g., I have to work more, or I’m more tense, or I have more need to unwind with alcohol to manage my financial worries) and ultimately the scales tip more towards my children being stressed than benefited.
  8. Experiment with the path less traveled. When on such paths it can sometimes be easier to connect with each other and to have unique experiences. Try safe activities that either the crowds don’t do (e.g., swimming in the ocean when it’s raining, going to a restaurant off the tourist circuit) or which are a departure from your usual behavior (e.g., get a temporary tattoo, dance like no one is watching, volunteer to do a karaoke number). Then, really try to savor these moments.
  9. Begin your vacation before you leave. Anticipation can be so much fun, especially if it is shared. The internet, bookstores and libraries abounds with resources. Engage willing family members in this anticipation.
  10. Continue your vacation after you return. Every true benefit that can be garnered when at a vacation site can be garnered at home: good food, good fun, good relationships, fun activities, etc. are all available to all of us with sufficient creativity and persistence. In other words, there is no kind of brain activity that Paris can create that Toledo can’t.

By the way, if you had access to a time machine, you could go back in time and see me making just about all of the mistakes suggested by this article: I can still see myself acting like a general at Walt Disney World, treating the Unofficial Guide like a master battle plan! So, if you fall prey to performance problems when on your vacation, you’re in a huge club (i.e.,  those of us who sometimes act like Clark Griswold when on a family vacation). So the 11th suggestion is to cut yourself some slack in these moments: you’re trying the best you can and no angel in heaven means better.

Related post: Five Tips for Keeping Long Car Trips From Becoming Hell on Earth

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Five Tips for Keeping Long Car Trips From Becoming Hell on Earth

Jul 12, 15 1:00 AM

Many of us take longer than usual car trips in the summer time. The starting point for keeping a car trip from becoming hellish is to determine if the length and nature of the trip is likely to leave your child, or children, regressing (i.e., annoying the heck out of you). If yes, consider these five tips.

Tip #1: set up a reward program. I once saw a documentary of a family that had to drive from Manhattan to Orlando. The parents gave each child $250 to spend on their vacation; however, they told their children that they would deduct $10 for each argument. By the time they reached Virginia the kids were bankrupt and the parents were ready to put them up for adoption. A better approach would have been to divide the total mileage (or the total estimated time in the car) by $250 and to give the each child that amount of money for each period of time they went without a fight. So, in this example, each mile driven without an argument could have earned .25¢. Keep in mind that there are many other kinds of rewards (e.g., experiences on the vacation, choices in dining along the way, access to electronic pleasures in the automobile, etc.). The idea is to describe the desired behavior and what is earned by hitting the mark.

Tip #2: build in entertainment. Being entertained makes the time fly. I’d suggest alternating activities and electronics. There are many kinds of family activities: license plate games, everyone describes the top five things they’d want the family to do if you won the lottery with a prize to the person with the best voted idea (no one can vote for their own idea), everyone says what they are most looking forward to about the upcoming vacation, and so forth This helps to make the drive a part of the pleasant memories and not just something that has to be endured. Electronics can also be shared either by everyone (e.g., an audio book that everyone is interested in) or parts of the family (DVDs). Keep in mind that most portable music players contain both the capacity to have audio books loaded onto them (e.g., through iTunes) and to be played through a car’s audio system (e.g., by purchasing a device that plugs into the cigarette lighter; for instance see http://www.belkin.com).

Tip #3: build in stops that rejuvenate everyone. A part of effective pre-trip happy hispanic familyplanning is to find interesting and low key experiences to have a long the way. This can be as simple as determining where the best of a certain type of food in a state can be found (e.g., ice cream, steak), or where the best place to take pictures might be. A stressed kid (and parent) is much more likely to act out. We all do well to heed the counsel of movie character Dirty Harry: “A man has got to know his limitations.”

Tip #4: try to have realistic expectations. Major family trips are something that we usually plan for, and look forward to, for a long time. This can make us like Clark Griswold in the Family Vacation movies: full of idealistic expectations that defy our family’s capacities. No matter how prepared we are every family member is likely to get grouchy and snappish from time-to-time. Just consider this to be the psychological equivalent of dust mites. Yeah, it’d be nice to be rid of ‘em but such is just part of life on planet earth.

Tip #5: If the long car trip is a return from a vacation, try to plan something to look forward to after arriving back home. As much as it can feel comforting to return to one’s home and routine, it can be a let down to go from Disney World to main street. And, if there is nothing to look forward to on the drive home, everyone’s vulnerabilities may be even higher. So, it can be nice to have something fun arranged for the weekend after one returns home, as long as such isn’t unduly taxing.

Related blog entry: 10 Steps for Reducing Stress During a Family Vacation

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What Can Be Done About Bullying?

Jun 29, 15 8:59 AM

bullying2I’d like to address the topic question in four ways: (1) What school districts can do. (2) Things parents can do to inoculate their kids from bullying. (3) Steps to take when bullying happens and (4) Other tips.

What School Districts Can Do

Every school district should have an anti-bullying program. In this downloadable article, published in the American Psychologist, Dr. Catherine Bradshaw, of John Hopkins University, outlines the science on effective bullying prevention programs. I would suggest that this is a very helpful article for school administrators. Were I such an administrator I’d read this article, asking myself, “how does our bullying prevention program stack up?” And, “are there things we can do to improve what we do?”

Inoculating a Kid from Bullying

Kids who have well formed self-esteem seem to experience less bullying. According to research done by Dr. Chris Mruk, of Bowling Green State University, there appear to be two elements comprising self-esteem: a sense of worthiness and a sense of competence. I would argue that one way parents can promote worthiness is by doing special time each week. You can download a brief article on how to do special time here; or, see Chapter One of dance, coolmy parenting book for a more thorough review of the rationale and method. To learn about promoting competence, see Chapter Two of my parenting book, or enter the word “competence” in the search bar above for several brief blog posts on the topic.

What if My Kid is Bullied

This needs immediate action. The first thing to ascertain is whether you can have a productive discussion with the bullying kid’s parent(s). If there is a reasonable chance that that could be effective, I’d try that first. If not, or that fails, it would be time to have a discussion with the school principal, especially if the bullying has happened on school grounds (but even if it doesn’t). Principals, for instance, can make it more clear to the kid doing the bullying that he will face serious consequences if the behavior persists. Other things to do:

  • Coach your kid to travel from place-to-place at school with one or more friends. It’s harder to get picked on when you’re in a group.
  • Arrange for a sleep-over or party at your house, even considering inviting the kid who is doing the bullying, if things haven’t escalated too much that is. The more successful your kid’s social network is the better.
  • Double down on the self-esteem promoting interventions I reviewed in the previous section.
  • Seek out an evaluation from a good child mental health professional. This is not something I would wait on. As I reviewed in last week’s blog article, the stakes are just too high. For a referral, click here.

character raising hand in a crowdOther Tips

√ Partnering with your local PTA can be a very helpful step. They can help you to develop strategies as well as partner with the school about bullying prevention programming, including bringing in a speaker for the kids.

√ Talking with the parents of your kid’s friends can sometimes be a good idea, as they are in a position to coach their kids on how to be helpful.

√ If your kid is bullied online, consider becoming more engaged with him about his online presence (you can find information about this in the monitoring chapter of my parenting book and scattered throughout this blog site.)

√ Even if your kid isn’t a victim of bullying, I’d bring up the topic. You might ask:

  • What has he witnessed?
  • What has she experienced?
  • What are his thoughts about bullying?
  • What can she do if she witnesses it?
  • Does he have any ideas about how to promote an anti-bullying climate at school?

√ Finally, there are a plethora of good bullying resources you can find on the internet. It’s not hard to find them, just be sure that the website belongs to a reputable organization or authority.

Good luck!

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When You Can’t Afford Camp

Jun 15, 15 10:10 AM

tennisWith summer upon us many of us parents are figuring out how our kids will spend their time. Of course, you can’t throw a stone without hitting options: a camp for every sport under the sun, academic camps, debate camps, activities camps and so forth. There are also many other kinds of experiences (e.g., high school students offered the opportunity to take summer college classes). Some of these may be affordable while others may require a substantive investment. If you can afford the camp(s) or experience(s) you’re considering, and your kid wants to go, read no further. But, if you can’t afford these activities, or if you’re on the fence about whether they are worth it, read on.

Context

Before considering the specifics, we first need to acknowledge our lunacy. Readers of this blog know that one of my most used terms is “parent-lunatic.” This decision, as important as it may seem in the moment, is not likely to wreck or make our kid’s future, despite what we might be telling ourselves. So, deep breathe and let’s all try to keep these decisions in perspective.

Three questions

I would suggest considering three questions in making this decision: (1) What question mark over brainreally matters? (2) What are the goals? (3) How much will this tax us?

(1) What really matters are relationships and wellness. One of the best ways you might focus on this is to watch a couple of Tom Shadyac’s wonderful movies: I Am and Happy. The scientifically grounded truth: the things that really promote happiness needn’t be expensive.

(2) I would propose four general kid goals for the summer time: bonding with family, bonding with friends, physical activity and advancing strengths The first three are pretty obvious. Strength advancement involves developing our kid’s top strengths. (Please enter the term “strengths” in the search bar above for a brief description, or for a fuller accounting see the second chapter of my parenting book..) Well-conceived and implemented camps portend to be very helpful for strength advancement.

(3) Of course we need to consider if this potential activity unduly taxes our finances or our energy. Parenting from the cross, as in the Christian crucifix, is ineffective. We all sacrifice, yes. That’s the game we’re in as parents (isn’t it exhausting often?). But, we just want to make sure that the result doesn’t torch our health or our marriage, to name two common victims of crucifix parenting.

What if you have to say “no.”

confusedOMG, doesn’t it sometimes feel like the world is coming to an end when our mouth, creaky and stiff from a lack of practice from forming the word, actually says “no?” We parent-lunatics all need to attend “How to Say ‘No’ camp!” At such camps we all might line up in front of mirrors, with our coaches gently massaging our shoulders, and practice forming the word “no.” Support staff could then bring in water and towels as we exert ourselves from the effort!

Seriously, though, if you decide either that the experience is too expensive, or just not worth the cost, I’d suggest two guidelines: selective truth telling and alternate planning. If you enter the term “selective truth telling” in the search bar above you’ll find a fuller description of this method. But, in short, the older the kid and the better s/he is doing in life, the more I’d suggest being calmly truthful about the reason(s) for the “no.” The younger or the more vulnerable the kid the more I’d keep what I share brief and not offer details that could be overwhelming.

Alternative planning refers to substituting an activity that better stands the test of the three questions I indicated above. Depending on whether your kid needs help learning to tolerate the word “no,” you could always wait a bit until you share the alternate plan.

What if we want to do the camp but just can’t afford it?money held by hand

Many sponsoring organizations offer opportunities for fund raising. They do bake sales, coin drops, car washes, raffles and so forth; if you have a couple of other parents in the same boat, you could organize your own fund raising. You might also find businesses that are willing to sponsor your child or consider some of the internet options that have sprung up for fund raising. Or, if your kid is old enough, you might find neighbors willing to pay for him or her to do some landscaping work. Finally, the camp itself may be willing to work with you on a payment plan or a sliding scale.

Good luck and I hope it all works out for you and your kid(s)!

 

 

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Parenting Through Proms

Apr 13, 15 9:06 AM

High school proms can represent, especially if your child is a senior, a right of passage. There is so much about this that can be joyful. But, there can be risks and challenges as well. So, this entry is designed to help you with the latter. I have three sections: (1) questions that I’d collaboratively answer with your teen until you are satisfied, (2) a list of issues that I would try to avoid controlling, barring unusual circumstances and (3) (hopefully humorous) responses to situations in which your teen tries to indict you for acting like a responsible parent.

Questions to resolve to your satisfaction

What sober and responsible person is driving?

Has the school established effective monitoring procedures? (This is more of a question for the relevant school administrator and needn’t directly involve your teen.)

What are the costs and who is paying for what? (A related issue, for some families, might be how a teen would be allowed to earn the money to cover the costs.)

Where is the after party and what responsible adult will be monitoring? (Keep in mind that monitoring can involve being in the same room, or next door, or in the parking lot. The goal is for the monitor to do no more than to ensure safety, sobriety and celibacy.)

Things to avoid trying to control

Yes, it’s good to be informed, but I would avoid trying to control what follows.

Who the date is. Of course you need to ensure that your teen is safe, sober and celibate for the night. Once those bases are covered, it’s a good idea for you to let your teen figure affairs of the heart out for himself or herself. It’s good to be a sounding board, if invited, but to keep negative opinions about a prospective date to oneself. This is good practice for when you’re an in-law, at least if you wish to be an effective in-law.

What the style of the outfit is, short of it looking like she could serve in a lineup of prostitutes. (Male analogies are less likely, but the same thing would apply if its relevant for your son.) Dads, when it comes to your daughter, it’s often best to let her mother (or some other responsible woman) handle this and to only make positive comments.

Who is attending the after party.

Other circumstances regarding the after party once you’ve secured the conditions described above.

Retorts to common prosecutorial invectives:

Obviously, these are not serious responses. But they are designed to make your teen exit your eye-line when howling at the moon.

Teen invective: “No body else I know has to have such stupid rules!”           Parental response: “But none of the other parents are as big of a control freak as me.”

Teen invective: “I’ll be going to college in a few months. You won’t be able to control things like this then!”                                                                         Parental response: (with a big smile) “Really?! I’ll be able to let someone else do it? What will that person be charging me?

Teen invective: “The other kids think you’re embarrassing.”                          Parental response: “That’s not because of my prom rules. That’s because they see me shopping at Victoria’s Secret so much.”

Teen invective: “I’ll just sneak out at the prom and you won’t know what I do.”            Parental response: “The school chaperone (know his or her name) has promised me that if s/he doesn’t see you for any given half hour s/he will text me about that. I will then text this baby picture of you (have visual ready) to your friend’s cell phones and upload it to your Facebook page with the caption “(your child’s name), cutest baby ever born in (name your city)! Love Mommy/Daddy”

Teen invective: Grandma (your mother) told me she didn’t have these kinds of rules for you!                                                                                                                Parental response: Grandma is getting senile.

Teen invective: You NEVER had these rules for (fill in name of older sib). Or, “You’ll NEVER make (name of younger sib) go through this!”                       Parental response: You know I love him/her more.

On a serious note, the wheel turns too fast sometimes. As your “baby” goes through this rite of passage, I hope you can enjoy it fully and take pictures/videos galore. It can be truly wonderful and bittersweet.

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