Eleven Important Tips When You Meet With a Teacher

Jan 22, 12 8:01 AM

Meeting with a teacher to discuss your child’s progress can be a complicated interaction. This entry covers 11 strategies for promoting an effective meeting:

#1 Always attend conferences when they are offered and strive to avoid single parenting in two parent households. Attending conferences, even when everything is going swimmingly, says to both the teacher and your child that your child’s education is very important to you. Moreover, alternating attendance at these meetings with your child’s other parent indicates that you both have this attitude.

#2 Be a few minutes early and stick to the allotted time. This says to the teacher that you value her or his time and appreciate that she or he has a busy day. You can always ask for another meeting if you need more time.

#3 Listen with an open mind to what the teacher has to offer. The more skillful teachers will make it easy for you to avoid getting defensive. However, even if you are dealing with a less tactful person, try to find the value in what is being said. Remaining open, no matter what emotional reactions you are having, is a gift to your child.

#4 Take notes. Not only will this help you later to review the meeting with your child and your child’s other parent(s), but such demonstrates to the teacher that what he or she is saying is important to you.

#5 Express agreement when you agree. This promotes a good working relationship.

#6 Affirm any aspects of the teacher’s approach or behavior that you believe are worthy of affirmation. Of course, you do not wish to exaggerate or be untruthful. This is about honestly enjoying the teacher’s valuable contributions. Teachers often report that complaints can gush but praise can trickle.

#7 If the teacher has not mentioned any strengths, ask for such before engaging a discussion about any problems that might need to be remedied. This is only fair as your child has at least as many strengths as vulnerabilities (and usually many, many more). So, his or her strengths deserve an accounting. Moreover, having your child’s strengths in the forefront can be very helpful if the conversation turns to solving problems.

#8 Use empathy and gratitude. Avoid anger and blaming. This is good counsel for any interaction with another human and will increase the odds that your relationship with the teacher will be effective.

#9 If the teacher has not volunteered such, inquire about grades, homework compliance and quality, effort in the classroom and relationships with both the teacher and with peers. (I find that it is easy to overlook the last element, though it is a very important skill set.)

#10 Share what your child’s homework experience is like, especially if it is taking longer than 10 minutes times his or her grade in school (e.g., if a 6th grader is working earnestly for more than an hour each night). Also share any stresses your child reports experiencing in the classroom (the older your child the more it’s advisable to partner with him or her in how to cast this for the teacher).

#11 Follow up with a thank you note that expresses gratitude, reviews any action steps you’ve agreed to and reviews when you will next communicate. At home I would then review relevant and helpful aspects with both your child and his or her other parent(s).

As I cover in my book, Working Parents, Thriving Families: 10 Strategies that Make a Difference, collaborative and effective relationships with teachers can go a long way in promoting your child’s resilience.

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Six Reasons To Avoid Spanking

Jan 2, 12 8:36 AM

An interesting article last week in the Los Angeles Times on corporal punishment inspired me to write this entry. My read on the relevant science is that corporal punishment, if it is used in a calm and non-abusive fashion (e.g., open hand on a clothed bottom without excessive force) by generally loving and effective parents, probably has a neutral impact. However, in my 20+ years of doing clinical work this is not how I find that corporal punishment is typically used. So, I’d like to list six reasons why I believe it is ill advised. Before doing so I’d like to stress that I’m not trying to guilt generally effective  parents for having a lapse and spanking a child (I’ve certainly been there and done that); such parents already feel bad enough for the lapse and realizes that he or she has some work to do. No, I’m challenging the position that spanking is a useful parenting tool. These are my primary reasons:

#1. Corporal punishment usually occurs when a parent is experiencing transient brain dysfunction. We all regress and lose IQ points when we get angry. The more primitive systems in our brain become more in charge of us. Sometimes I must parent when I’m in this state, but it is to be avoided, lest I say and do things that I’ll later regret when my brain comes back fully online.

#2. Corporal punishment usually is akin to undisciplined discipline.  I say to my child: be in better control of yourself while I’ve lost some of my control. This is akin to a customer service manager screaming at his employees: “Treat our customers with &^%$ respect!!”

#3. Corporal punishment usually promotes a variety of unsavory messages: “physically stronger people win” or “if you get mad at people the thing to do is to knock them around.”

#4. Corporal punishment can be a shaming and humiliating experience for the child that can inspire strong feelings of fear or rage. Imagine what it would be like to be subject to corporal punishment from a boss or a spouse; there are reasons there are laws against such things (and maybe why 31 countries have outlawed corporal punishment).

#5 Corporal punishment is an ineffective technique for reaching common parenting goals. In my years of working with families I’ve found that parents generally have great goals for their kids, including when they discipline. Parents want their children to apply themselves in their academic work, learn to do useful things when they don’t feel like it (e.g, chores), exert sufficient self-control and so forth. It is the methods for reaching those goals that vary in their effectiveness. It’s true that I can get my kid to stop picking his nose in front of me if I hit him when he does it. But, when he’s not around me he may dig away. Moreover, I risk two things: imbuing nose-picking with more emotional importance than I intend and damaging my relationship with my kid.

#6. Corporal punishment is often used when parents have run out of ideas.  I would rather have a parent expand on his or her parenting repertoire than resort to this technique just as I would rather a carpenter go out of his way to obtain and use a screwdriver to attach screws rather than use a readily available hammer. One of the reasons I’ve written Working Parents, Thriving Families: 10 Strategies That Make a Difference, is to make such tools readily available to parents. You would find this book articulates how to set up a science-based, time-efficient and effective discipline plan that, assuming a child or parent is free of significant psychiatric pain, should leave you wanting to keep corporal punishment in the tool box unused. You may also find additional resources for facilitating parenting on the sister website for this book: www.resilientyouth.com.

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Lions and Tigers and Vows, Oh My! Ten Tips for Taking Your New Year’s Resolutions from Oz to Kansas.

Dec 26, 11 9:27 AM

Many of us will soon make New Year’s Resolutions. This entry is designed to increase your odds of success. I’ll review four planning steps and ten strategies for promoting effective outcomes.

The first step in the planning phase is to visualize what you like about yourself. I’m skeptical that your self-improvement project can survive and thrive if you do not know and enjoy your strengths, not only at the start, but consistently throughout. I like a prayer that British psychologist Robert Holden recommends in one of his books: “Oh God, help me to believe the truth about myself, no matter how beautiful it is.  Amen.”

The second step is to picture yourself as the most fulfilled version of you. What is different about that person? What changes, that are under your control today, would help to get you there?

Third, list the obstacles you’ll experience in taking this voyage. This is a step worthy of your most honest and thorough consideration.

Fourth, what steps can you take to reduce the obstacles and lessen your reliance on will power?

A problem that many of us run into is called “present bias.” The person who we are when we make a resolution–present me–is steely eyed and filled with gritty resolve. However, present me may also be inclined to be harsh (“okay, you really need to stop being so weak!”), excessively ambitious (“I’m going to never yell again!”) or inclined to invest in ways that aren’t always helpful (e.g., purchasing expensive equipment the like of which has never been used before). The problem is that present me is not the same person who will be doing the heavy lifting; that person is future me. If present me doesn’t adequately understand future me’s strengths and vulnerabilities, then present me is destined for disappointment.

Each of us are like snowflakes, completely unique. Thus, a strategy that helps another person make substantive changes could be a horrible idea for you. Use your world’s leading expert knowledge of yourself to develop a plan that is supportive of future you. Use her strengths. Establish support for his vulnerabilities. Some of the following ten tips may help:

1. Set daily goals. Avoid goals like “I’m going to lose 30 pounds.” Instead, try “today I’m going to eat a balanced diet and get 45 minutes of physical activity.”

2. Keep a daily log of those behaviors that are most important to your goal(s). Many self-destructive behaviors occur when we disassociate from ourselves (i.e., only partially notice what we’re doing). Writing stuff down combats disassociation and increases the odds that you will remain self-aware and in the moment.

3. Join with others. Two things characterize those who are successful in setting aside self-limiting patterns: they work on themselves and they surround themselves with people who are striving towards the same goal(s). Relying on others could involve partnering with friends, starting counseling, or attending support group meetings. (To find a therapist near you click here.)

3a. Ask your partners for help. Many people are willing to help your future self reach your present self’s goals. All you need do is share your vulnerabilities and ask for ideas and/or assistance. For example, I know one pair of friends who committed to playing a rotating aerobic game before work each day (e.g., basketball, racquetball, etc.). They rotated the role of cheerleader for those days when one or both of them was tempted to cancel.

4. Establish rewards for yourself. For instance, so many days of doing as you vow earns you a treat. Also, give yourself hefty mental pats on the back for success along the way.

5. Take lapses as opportunities to learn more about your vulnerabilities and how present you can do a better job of supporting future you. Avoid being cruel and harsh with yourself as this risks putting your goals further out of reach. I’ll sometimes ask clients, who are parents, to react to themselves as they would react to their child if their child showed a similar lapse (sometimes this involves projecting forward in time and imagining their child at their age, having fallen prey to the same vulnerability).

6. Use music if that motivates you.

7. Focus your mind on the positive behaviors you want to do rather than the negative behaviors you want to avoid. It’s better to focus on what healthy breakfast you want to eat rather than trying to use white-knuckle willpower to resist the unhealthy version.

8. Have present you write encouraging and positive messages for future you. Try to avoid being harsh lest you risk future you “forgeting” to read the message.

9. Make a plan to remove as much temptation as possible from the eye line of future you.

10. If you are a spiritual person, lean on that part of your life as much as you can.

Good luck Dorothy! And, remember, being in the fight for self-improvement matters at least as much as the outcome.

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10 Gifts to Give Her if You Wish to Die

Dec 23, 11 10:11 AM

Let’s face it, its way easier to read your average man’s mind than it is to read your average woman’s mind. Case in point: a few months back I was in a local bookstore with my teenage son. Around that time the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition had just come out, with the sort of cover that is typical for that edition. And, the magazine was all over the store. As I noticed my son looking at this cover, but trying to hide his glances from me, I initiated the following exchange:

Me: (chuckling) You know that I know what you’re looking at and what you’re thinking about.

Son: What are you talking about?

Me: Son, never forget that I usually know what’s going through your mind.

Son: Well, what am I thinking now?

Me: You’re thinking that you’re hungry.

Son: Ok…well, what am I thinking now?

Me: That you’d like to get back home to your new video game.

Son: Damn. How do you do that?

Me: We’re just simple creatures.

When we got home my son relayed the story to me teenage daughter, who turned to me and asked “Ok, Dr. genius, what am I thinking?!” To which I said “no clue.”

So, in the spirit of trying to help dudes understand their ladies, or to help ladies to bring their dudes along. I’ve constructed this top 10 gifts to avoid giving her, unless you want to die. (Keep in mind that if your lady has explicitely requested something on this list, you’re probably okay. But make sure she explicitely asked for it and her doing so is not a test.)

• Appliances

• Jewelry, clothes or perfume that your mother is partial to

• Any article of clothing that is the wrong size

• Hobby equipment that you want her to take up but she has been resisting (e.g., golf clubs)

• Electronics, tools or sporting equipment that you wish someone would give you

• Any gifts even remotely suggesting that she would do well to lose weight

• Gift cards (suggests you either didn’t have the energy to shop and/or have given up on trying to read her mind)

• Sexy lingerie (risks her concluding that you are giving her something for you)

• Something re-gifted

• Anything used

I know, I know, you’re thinking things like “What’s wrong with something used, as it saves money for something that could be just as good?” Or, “But a gift card gives her more flexibility in what she wants to get!” I hear you man, and for your partner, you might be right (even a broken clock is right twice a day). But, remember she thinks differently than you, so sometimes its best to not trust your gut and to read your indicator lights (e.g., this blog), less you crash and burn.

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Manufacture Joy: Focus on Gratitude

Dec 18, 11 7:33 PM

Continuing on with this holiday series, I will next review the technique of using gratitude. (This is related, but different, from the technique of writing a gratitude letter that I covered earlier in an individual and a family exercise.) When you are feeling grateful you are probably not feeling sad, worried or angry. You are also less likely to be taking people and circumstances for granted. There are a number of techniques you can use to pull this off. Below are six to get you started.

• Keep a gratitude journal. Pick either a day a week, or a time of the day, to write down that for which feel grateful. If in doubt regarding which practice would be a better fit for you, make entries into the journal once a week. Write down simple pleasures (e.g., the sounds of birds chirping, the taste of a sweet piece of fruit, a smile you received), bigger events (e.g., getting a raise, celebrating a birthday, taking a great vacation) and anything in-between (a fun date night, your kid getting a good grade on a test, seeing a funny movie). Not only does this practice focus your mind on uplifting events but, over time, you create documentation of all that which is working well in your life, facilitating a sense of deep meaning and satisfaction. This practice also keeps you from becoming like Jimmy Stewart’s character in It’s a Wonderful Life, needing a miraculous divine intervention in order to appreciate the value of your life.

• Use gratitude as a coping thought. What behavior would you next do if you put on a pair of pants you hadn’t worn in a long time and, upon zipping them up, they felt so tight that it hurt? If you’re like most, your next move would be to take them off and put on a more comfortable pair (though you might simultaneously swear, promise yourself to eat less ice cream, or commit to joining a gym ;-)). Imagine what a silly image would be cast by someone walking around wearing uncomfortable pants declaring “Ouch, these pants really hurt! Ouch! I can’t believe how much these really hurt.” Yet, this is exactly what we do when we allow a painful thought to remain on our minds when it serves no useful function (i.e., not figuring out a problem or grieving or doing something else useful, but just pommeling us into the ground). So, if you find yourself chewing on a painful thought with no value just STOP, and turn your mind to that for which you feel grateful of late. Try to savor these thoughts for at least as long as you’ve been inclined to fret over useless and painful thoughts.

• Use your time in the shower each morning to reflect upon what you are most grateful for from the day before.  If you shower in the evening, focus on the day’s events.

• Go through photo albums or family videos with an eye towards remembering what you are grateful for about those events. Printing out some of your favorite images and displaying them around your life can add more value.

• Create a list of the top 10 things you are most grateful for about your life. Better yet, agree with your significant other or best friend (or both) to create your lists and share them with each other over a lunch date at a restaurant new to both of you.

• Write one thank you note a week to the person you felt the most gratitude towards that week. (It doesn’t have to be a heaping dose of gratitude.) Moreover, keep some thank you cards on any desk(s) you work at and put a weekly reminder in your electronic or paper appointment thingy to complete this task.

The point of this series, which you can read by scrolling down on my home page from this entry down, is to review some of the techniques that the science of positive psychology suggests we may use to lift our moods and enhance our experiences of meaning. I hope you will decide to give some of these techniques a try. And, if you do, I’d love to hear about the results as such will become part of my gratitude ritual!

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Manufacture Joy: Take a Daily Mini Vacation

Dec 14, 11 7:13 PM

As part of this holiday series, I’m next covering the strategy of creating mini daily vacations, an idea I’ve adapted from psychologist Dr. Barbara Fredrickson’s book Positivity. The idea is to treat yourself with an enjoyable respite from the busyness of your daily life by doing something fun, meaningful or relaxing. Here are two dozen ideas to get you started:
• Rather than work on a project at your desk, take it to a local coffee shop or bookstore, order your favorite drink, and work on it there.
• Have lunch at a restaurant, whether by yourself (reading something fun or interesting) or with a friend.
• Go to a local library and read or listen to something funny or interesting.
• Start a game of chess with a friend, or a stranger, and make a couple of moves each day.
• Go for a walk with an eye towards paying attention to nature.
• More elaborate, but if you can spare a couple of hours, go see a movie.
• Find a quiet space, put on some headphones, and listen to relaxing sounds on a music player (e.g., ocean waves, rain, birds).
• Click around YouTube.com for some funny videos, then forward any treasures to friends (for my top 10 funny parenting videos click here).
• Read a guide book regarding the location of your next vacation, even if it’s far off. If you don’t have a vacation planned, do that instead.
• Click onto some live streaming of a favorite location (an internet search will yield many options, this is just one example).
• Go to a shop that sells your favorite guilty pleasure (e.g., chocolate, baked goods), order something modest, find a quiet spot and eat the treat very slowly with an eye towards savoring every morsel.
• Call a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while just to say hey and to see what’s up.
• Read something regarding your favorite hobby.
• Start a file of affirming things people send you, then, over time, read that.
• Eat your lunch while strolling through a museum.
• Look through a file or scrapbook of photographs.
• Watch parts of one of your favorite TV shows or movies (e.g., take a DVD to work, log onto a video streaming service such as Netflix.com).
• Go for a swim in an indoor pool.
• Go play some sets at a bowling alley during lunch, whether by yourself or with a friend.
• Kick your shoes off, get a good drink or snack and read a few chapters of a good novel.
• Play with a pet.
• Visit a florist and buy a plant for your daytime space.
• Find a quiet place, light a candle and offer your Higher Power prayers of gratitude.
• Plant something.
• Make an agreement with your significant other, or a good friend, to alternate giving each other 10 minute shoulder massages. Alternate days if need be.

I would love to hear your ideas for creating a daily mini-vacation.

Other offerings in this series:

Write a gratitude letter

Perform acts of kindness

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Manufacture Joy: Perform Acts of Kindness

Dec 12, 11 10:53 AM

This series of blog posts is reviewing what we parents can do to instill more happiness and meaning in our lives. This installment regards performing acts of kindness.

Pick a day of the week–your personal kindness day–and perform three acts of kindness. There are an endless number of possibilities. But, here are two dozen ideas to get you started:

• Leave extra money at a drive through for the person behind  you

• Donate to your local library

• Give blood

• Volunteer time at a local soup kitchen

• Donate clothes you don’t need

• Write a thank you note to the person or people who clean your office

• Send a warming e-card to someone who could use a pick-me-up (a sample free service is here)

• Write a letter of support to a soldier serving overseas (a sample way to do so is  here)

• Leave some money in a book, at a retail store, that regards helping a child with a chronic medical condition;  add a note stating “you’re not alone”

• Let someone who has a hurried look about him or her go ahead of you in a line

• Leave a few bucks at a gas pump with a note: “I’m lowering your price of gas today, a friend”

• Leave a larger than normal tip for some good service you received, with an affirming note

• Point out something someone did with excellence at a group office meeting

• Nominate a teacher for an award, copying the nomination to his or her principal and superintendent (for an example of one opportunity, and there are many, click here)

• Send a letter of thanks to a coach who did well by your child, citing specifics

• Sponsor a child whose family or circumstance is stressful (e.g., for example, click here)

• Volunteer or make a donation to your local animal shelter

• Buy some car wash coupons and stick them in a few random cars at the next sporting event your kid is playing at; attach a note stating “we parents can sometimes use a little support too sometimes.”

• Look for opportunities to put change in people’s meters (just make sure that such isn’t illegal where you are)

• Send a donation to an organization that helps kids with cancer (one such opportunity is here)

• Offer to round trip car pool some kids who are going to the same event you need to take your kid to.

• Offer your partner a foot massage

• Shovel a neighbor’s driveway

• Get up before your partner and make her or him a fresh cup of coffee

Research suggests that the helpers high is real. But, you can do your own research study with yourself by trying this practice. Good luck and, if you get a moment, I’d love hearing your kindness ideas.

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Manufacture Joy: Write a Gratitude Letter

Dec 6, 11 1:31 PM

I thought it might be a good time of year to review a set of strategies that we parents can use to manufacture happiness. I’m drawing these strategies from the science of positive psychology. The first of these is to write a gratitude letter. I first learned about this strategy from a video presentation by psychologist Dr. Martin Seligman years ago and have since garnered a good amount of professional and personal experience with it. There are five steps:

Step #1: Identify a person towards whom you feel a significant amount of unexpressed gratitude. This might be a person who knows about some of the gratitude you feel but not all of it. This gratitude can be recent or ancient. You can also rotate writing a gratitude letter within a family: week #1 is moms turn, then eldest son’s, then dad’s, etc. Then everyone writes a gratitude letter for the person whose turn it is.

Step #2: Hand write a legible letter of about 300 words. Don’t worry about a precise word count, just land somewhere in that ballpark. (The handwritten nature of the letter produces a more personal feel and indicates more effort on your part.)

Step #3: Schedule a meeting with the person, but don’t tell her or him about your letter. The surprise tends to be more impactful.

Step #4: Read your letter to the person. You typically would not want to chicken out and hand it over for the person to read as that stands to significantly weakens the experience. Don’t worry if you get misty or cry as such usually adds meaning for the other person; plus you probably won’t be the only one.

Step #5: Give your letter to the person.

I’ve done this myself, had families do it in my office and offered graduate students extra credit for doing it. I find that just about everyone (myself included) is surprised by how powerful of an emotional experience it proves to be. The research also suggests that the writer of the letter can experience a bump in happiness for three to four weeks afterwards. So, give it a try it and see how much power you have to manufacture happiness in your life and the life of another.

Stay tuned as I’m going to do a series of these strategies and will end with a list of books where you can learn more.

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Strategies if Your Child or Teen is Being Bullied

Nov 7, 11 12:40 PM

Your child reporting that he or she is being bullied can be very upsetting. According to the Center for Disease Control, 19% of kids are victims of bulling on school grounds. Bullying can include physical and/or verbal confrontation, social exclusion and spreading harsh rumors; it can also occur through electronic and online technologies. Available evidence suggests that those who experience a pattern of being bullied experience significant mental health challenges (the same is often true among those who engage in a pattern of bullying). Among the children who are bullied low self-esteem and under socialization are common. In the animal kingdom predators prey on vulnerable members of the herd who can be found on the fringes or in isolation. This is often the case for children who are repeatedly bullied as well. If your child is experiencing a pattern of being bullied, or if any incidents of bullying are causing him or her distress, consider the following:

  1. Get expert assistance. An evaluation by a well qualified child mental health professional is usually a good idea, even if you are able to get the bullying to stop by other means. It is much better to understand any contributing problems, and to develop a plan for managing or fixing them, than it is to let a child or teen languish. To find a qualified professional near you click here.
  2. Consult with the school about the bullying. I’ve never met a teacher or school administrator who is willing to tolerate bullying. It is ideal to have this consultation with a child mental health professional at your side. The consultation can be used to reach a clear understanding about what has happened and to develop a plan for fixing things.
  3. Encourage your child or teen to travel with at least one friend as she or he travels from one location to another at school. As I implied above, bullying is much more likely to occur when a child or teen iis traveling solo. This step might involve inviting prospective friends over to your house in order to develop or to create friendships. If your child or teen cannot, or will not, name friend candidates her or his teacher(s) may be willing to do so.
  4. If your child or teen is a victim of cyber bullying consider first whether his or her online life is adaptive (please see my blog entries that cover monitoring online activity and internet addiction to help in this determination).
  5. If you know the parents of the alleged bully, and you have no clear reason to believe that they would be hostile, consider arranging to have them over to your home to discuss what everyone can to do garner wellness and peace. (In many instances it may be better to do #1 before this one so that a qualified mental health professional can help you to think through the issues, including how you want to manage the meeting.)
  6. If your child has not discovered things that he or she is good at, or does not have regular access to activities that put such talents on display, I would make changing this a top priority. Please see Chapter Two of my book Working Parents, Thriving Families, to read about specific strategies for pulling this off.

Here also are three strategies that often are not advisable. Keep in mind that even a broken clock is right twice a day. So, just about any strategy has some chance of working. But, I am suggesting that the odds of the following working, independent of significant negative side effects, are probably low:

  1. Encouraging a child to be physically aggressive. Yes, there is reason to believe that assaulting a bully might cause him or her to retreat. But this teaches all sorts of unsavory lessons, risks school disciplinary action and can be excruciatingly difficulty for a child or teen to pull off.
  2. Succumbing to your child’s or teen’s plea for you to do nothing. If your child told you that mold was growing in his or her locker at school and you could tell that this was making him or her sick, would you adhere to his or her begging to not take action? Keep in mind that any number of different kinds of action may be in order (see above). What I believe is generally more advisable is to find out what your child or teen reasonably fears could happen if you initiated a plan for fixing the problem (e.g., retaliation by the bully, someone finding out that he or she is in counseling). You might then take steps to make the odds of such happening remote. (A consultation with a mental health professional is especially advisable if your child is insistent along these lines.)
  3. To view the problem as completely resolved if the only change the occurs is that a pattern of bullying stops. I think it is very important to a child’s or teen’s wellness to take steps to understand and to resolve the underlying issues that caused such a painful cycle to begin.
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Mental Health Concerns Are Nearly Universal By Age 21

Oct 28, 11 7:09 PM

Earlier this year a landmark study on the prevalence of psychological disorders in youth was published in the Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Examining youth living in 11 counties in the southeastern US, it is the first to track kids’ mental health status from ages as young as 9 through age 21 (a total sample size of 1,420). The authors–Drs. William Copeland, Lilly Shanahan and E. Jane Costello and Ms. Adrian Angold–note some key findings in their report:

• Assuming that there was no incident of psychiatric disorders among the missing cases (an unlikely event), 70% of the sample met criteria for a mental health disorder, at some point, by age 21. (This is referred to as the unimputed number.)

• If one were to assume that the rates of psychiatric disturbance are the same among the missing cases, the frequency of a mental health disorder by age 21 rose to 82.5%. (This is referred to as the imputed number.)

• Child participants entered the study at one of three different ages: 9, 11 and 13. Among the youngest cohort (i.e., entered the study at age 9), the rates of having a diagnosable mental health problem by age 21 was “higher than 90%.” The authors note “This suggests that the experience of psychiatric illness is not merely common but nearly universal.”

• When examining the imputed analyses, these were the most common disorders: substance abuse–42%, behavioral disorders (e.g., ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder)–23.5%, anxiety disorders–20.9% and mood disorders–14.8%.

While all research studies have their flaws, and this one is no exception (e.g., an under representation of African-American and Hispanic children), this study numbers among those contributing to the notion that mental health disorders and physical disorders, as they manifest in youth, have many similar characteristics:

• The odds of having at least one by adulthood are nearly universal.

• Most are not chronic or severe.

• Most can be cured or effectively managed through evidence-based interventions.

• Most will either worsen, or promote needless suffering, when they go unrecognized or untreated.

However, there is a key way that mental health and physical disorders in youth are substantively different. As the authors indicate: “Only about one in three individuals with a well-specified psychiatric disorder received any treatment at all, and even when treatment was obtained, it rarely conformed to best practice recommendations.” I find myself wondering when we will grow weary and intolerant of this needless suffering that our babies endure.

If you, as parent or caregiver, would like to find an ally in your neighborhood to help you to understand whether a child or teen under your charge could use help along these lines, click here. To read a consumer guide for child mental health services, see Chapter 10 in my book Working Parents, Thriving Families: 10 Strategies That Make a Difference.

You may also find value in reviewing posts I’ve written on related topics:

• Affording Mental Health Care

• Signs that a Kid Needs Mental Health Services

• Seven Common Myths About Counseling

• Millions of Teens are Suffering Needlessly

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